


With Friends Like These

by beyondthesunset



Series: With Friends Like These [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Brief Underage Drinking, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Gen, I reorder some events, Not Snape positive, POV Lily Evans Potter, Pre-Relationship, Snape's Worst Memory, Swearing, The Prank, almost canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondthesunset/pseuds/beyondthesunset
Summary: Lily Evans' fifth year at Hogwarts ends extremely unpleasantly, wrecking several of her friendships. What will this mean for her going into her sixth year? Who will she forgive and who is she better without?A character study in which I work out my feelings about Lily Evans and her relationships to James Potter and Severus Snape.





	1. Best of Friends

**Author's Note:**

> In this chapter I use some dialogue from a scene from the books, so JK Rowling is my co-author. Otherwise this is all my work in her universe.

Lily leaned back into a large chair by the window and allowed herself to relax. She leaned on the glass and looked at the familiar view from Gryffindor tower. The coming summer laid across the long green lawns as they ran down to the darker green of the forbidden forest. From here she could see the greenhouses and the gamekeeper’s cabin. Off to one side, the lake was burnished gold as the sun neared setting.

“That’s the first time you’ve looked happy in weeks,” Marlene McKinnon said, dropping into the chair across from her.

“Well, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think I did really well,” Lily replied, turning her smile on her friend.

“You, Lily Evans, did a good job on your Potions OWL? Be still my heart,” the other girl smiled lazily. “Hey Sirius!” she leaned around to shout at the portrait hole, which had just swung open to admit the boy in question. “Lily thinks she might have done well in Potions!”

Sirius did an exaggerated double take. “Well, blow me backwards, I don’t believe it!”

Lily felt her face flush in embarrassment. “Okay, okay, I get it. But this is also the one I cared about the most. I’m allowed to be excited.”

Marlene shrugged at her but the rest of her response was cut off by the arrival of another of Lily’s friends, Mary MacDonald. She clattered heavily into a chair dropping an overflowing bag and immediately started pulling books out of it.

“You okay, Mary?” Lily asked cautiously. Mary was usually fairly quiet and controlled but exams had always had an effect on her. And Ordinary Wizarding Levels, OWLs for short, were the biggest exams they had taken to date, determining what they were allowed to take at NEWT level and what careers they could hope to have later.

“I think Defense is my last chance to get an OWL. I’ve probably failed everything else,” the girl muttered.

“I’m sure you haven’t,” Lily said, glancing over at Marlene. “Right, Marlene?”

After a sharp stare from Lily Marlene hitched up a rare genuine smile and said in what was nearly a kind voice, “I’m sure you did fine, Mary.”

“Oh, shut up,” Mary snapped.

“Maybe Mary would like some space,” said Lily quickly, standing up and pulling a bristling Marlene with her.

“Mama Evans comes out,” Marlene muttered.

“Only when Mary’s too stressed to do the job,” Lily replied with a roll of her eyes.

“I suppose we should study for Defense too.”

“I suppose,” Lily allowed, “I feel like I ran out of stress today and I can’t be bothered anymore.”

“I’m so glad you’re a Prefect, the example does me good,” muttered Marlene. She settled into a chair near Sirius Black and another of Lily’s classmates, Remus Lupin.

“I heard you did well on Potions, Lily. No surprise there,” said Remus in a voice that could be sarcastic or sincere. It was hard to tell with him. 

“I think so. How about you?” she replied.

“Fine, I think.”

“What are you going to do to study for Defense?” Marlene asked.

“Go to class for five years?” Sirius suggested.

“I was going to go duel some of the Slytherins,” said James Potter, who was suddenly climbing over the couch to sit beside Sirius. Lily suppressed an urge to snap at James. She was pretty sure he was joking, but it wouldn’t be the first duel he had been in. 

Sirius grinned. “Oh, that’s a good idea. Count me in.”

Lily glanced at Remus, but he avoided her eyes. She sighed. “As your Prefect, I have to insist that you don’t,” she said.

“Remus is my Prefect,” Sirius replied dismissively.

“Well, you can be my Prefect any time you like,” said James grinning at her suggestively. Lily flipped him off. He started to open his mouth to reply but Marlene spoke loudly before they could get started. 

“You don’t deserve Remus anyway, Black.”

“You’re just jealous, McKinnon,” he replied lazily. Lily noted Remus’ almost wary eye on this interaction. He never did know what to do with a compliment.

“Look, we all love Remus,” she said

“He is the best of us,” James supplied.

“And we all know Sirius isn’t worthy,” Lily added. Remus was blushing properly now.

“He is a despicable troublemaker,” James said.

“Thanks, babe,” Sirius grinned at James.

At that moment Peter Pettigrew, the fourth Marauder, as the boys in the dorm called themselves, joined the group. “Well, that was terrible.”

“Lily did well, apparently,” Sirius said. Lily felt her face go red.

“Yes, but I did bad,” Peter countered.

“This is why I don’t tell you these things, Marlene,” Lily snapped in mock exasperation at the teasing.

“You tell me everything,” Marlene replied feigning confused annoyance.

“Don’t know why, though,” Lily mumbled

“I know how you feel, Lily,” Remus muttered, casting a glance at James and Sirius.

“Don’t be rude!” James snapped melodramatically.

“I’ve been wounded,” lamented Sirius clutching his chest. “Right to the heart.”

James began to dramatically perform triage on Sirius, fanning him and slapping his cheek. Lily felt the corner of her lips tug up even as she rolled her eyes at them. Still trying not to grin, she grabbed a pillow from the couch beside her and chucked it at James’ head, maybe a little harder than was nice. It knocked him on the ear, sending his glasses clattering to the floor.

He went scrambling for them while Lily and Sirius burst out laughing and the others followed suit. James found his glasses and, shoving them back on his face, gave her his best sad puppy eyes. “Why have you done this to me?”

“You know why, Potter,” Lily snapped in mock anger, working to hide her grin.

“Is this because I hexed Barnaby the Ravenclaw earlier?”

A sudden spike of actual anger lanced through Lily. “You did what?” Lily ignored the collective sigh around the group at the sudden change of tone.

“Crap,” Sirius muttered. James’ eyes widened as he realized that he messed up.

“I didn’t do anything,” James said quickly.

“Why did you hex Barnaby?” Lily asked, tight-lipped.

“If I had done anything, which I didn’t, it was probably because he was being rude about Gryffindor.”

 “And you think that makes it okay?”

“Hey, I’ve got to defend house honor,” James snapped.

“No, you don’t! Or you could do it on the Quidditch pitch or something.”

“He’s not on the team, or I would definitely try to knock him off his broom. Plus the next match isn’t ‘til next year.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Lily yelled. At this point their friends were looking away embarrassedly, while everyone who was sitting a bit further back from the blast zone were starting to stare at them.

“Well what was I supposed to do then?” he replied sharply.

“Just walk away.”

“Well, how about you go out with me?” Lily rolled her eyes at this non-sequitur. It had stopped throwing her off her game after about the third time he said it and that was about six months ago. She didn’t know why he bothered anymore.

“Sorry, I’m saving myself for the Bloody Baron,” Lily said, affecting a contrite look. 

“Oh you know I’m the best around,” James replied, preening slightly, running his hand thought his hair to mess it up. “And a Quidditch star too. Everyone loves me, Evans.”

Lily rolled her eyes at this display. “I think you love yourself quite enough, you definitely don’t need my help.” Somewhere behind her Lily heard Sirius let out a huge snort of laughter. James looked a little stymied for the first time.

“Well, in that case maybe you can…” But what Lily was supposed to do instead, she never found out because suddenly Mary was between them, yelling.

“We have two more days of _goddamn_ testing to get through so will you two just shut the hell up and be civil until this time Friday and then you can kill each other for all I care!” Lily had rarely heard Mary shout, or swear for the matter. She wasn’t sure if James ever had. A ringing silence followed the pronouncement.

“Sorry, Mary,” James said sheepishly, and then hitched up a winning smile. “How’s studying going?”

“Oh, shove it,” Mary muttered turning away.

“Sorry, Mary,” Lily called after her. She glanced over at James and they made eye contact. They both looked away quickly, a little embarrassed.

“Would someone quiz me on Defense?” Remus muttered.

“Sure,” Sirius took Remus’ book and sat cross legged in front of the other boy. Marlene pulled out some notes and settled near them. James sat down at a table beside Peter and they started comparing notes and running through them together. Lily sighed and sat down at the table with James and Peter. She may have been annoyed at him, but she didn’t feel like sitting on the floor. Besides she had a habit of studying with James. It seemed, oddly, to pay off, because her desire to compete with him was good motivation.

Lily spent a few minutes steaming before she managed to get herself to focus on her textbook. James was by far her most frustrating friend. She liked him quite a bit until he did something like this. He would be kind if he thought of it, but he was just so deeply thoughtless that it was kind of hit or miss. He and Sirius never really seemed to think about consequences. For some reason it didn’t bother her as much with Sirius. She was glad that they usually didn’t pick fights with people in front of her. She sighed and tried to focus on her Defense textbooks, but she kept feeling her eyes drift to the window.

“I just turned his hair blue. They put it right fairly easily.” James was peering at her, looking contrite.

“Even so,” she said cautiously. There was a short pause.

“Besides, it was a laugh,” James muttered.

“Oh, sure, for you,” Lily replied waspishly. James fell silent for a long moment.

“So you did well on Potions, hmm?” James had his best charming smile on but there was a little tentativeness in his eyes.

She allowed herself a small smile at him. Barnaby the Ravenclaw was fine after all. “That’s right.”

“Well, I’ll allow that Potions is your subject, but I think I might have you in Defense.”

She smiled wider. “Well, we’ll see when the grades come in, won’t we.”

“I suppose so. I think I got you this year, Evans. James Potter top of the class has a good ring to it, doesn’t it?”

“Oh after four years of coming in behind, you think you might beat me once? What an accomplishment.”

He grinned mischievously. “In ten years no one will remember who got a better grade fourth year but we’ll still know our OWL results.”

This caused Lily to pause. She hadn’t really thought about that. Her eyes betrayed a little surprise and James’ smile widened. “Well, I’m not worried,” she said quickly.

He laughed lightly. “Really? And here I thought you were smart.”

Lily suddenly had the urge to start studying. She supposed this was an upside to the friendship. She sighed and turned back to her book and then looked quickly back up at James. “What’s the time?”

He glanced at his watch, “It’s just gone six.”

“Shoot,” she stood suddenly. He looked at her curiously. “I forgot I said I’d meet Se… someone in the library to study.”

James looked at her for a moment. “I don’t know why you hang out with him.”

“Yeah well you don’t know him.”

“I know…” she turned on him sharply. He put his hands up and let her hurry out of the portrait hole without further elaboration.

Lily hurried down toward the library. Sev would surely be annoyed. He hated lateness. He also seemed a bit bothered of late about the fact that he and Lily were in separate houses. He complained about how much time she spent in the Gryffindor common room and had on one occasion suggested that she give him the password. She refused to do this point blank, partly because of the animosity between him and the Gryffindor boys in her year and partly because she wasn’t sure she could handle it. Sev was her best friend but sometimes he could be a bit too intense. It was nice to be able to have a break occasionally.

Lily slowed her steps as she entered the library so as not to make too much noise. The dusty rows of aging books seemed to have a way of magnifying sound and making it oddly directionless. She spotted Severus Snape, her oldest friend in the magical world, at a worn table toward the back of the room, his books already out, looking impatient. As she approached, he looked up at her and smiled.

“You’re late.”

“I’m sorry. I totally forgot.”

“Well, you didn’t have to come if you don’t want to,” he replied, sounding hurt.

“No. No,” she said reassuringly, “I think I honestly convinced myself that OWLs were done after Potions.”

He smiled at that. “Almost there.”

She grinned back. “I think I did well on my Potions OWL.”

“Obviously,” he said dismissively.

“I think I might get top of the class,” Lily pressed.

“Well that shouldn’t be too hard with the idiots who go here,” Severus replied glancing up at her. She must have betrayed something in her face because he quickly added, “You’re just so smart is what I mean. You’re brilliant, Lily.” She couldn’t help but smile at this. “Don’t know why you’re in Gryffindor, honestly,” this brought a small frown to her face. It hurt a little, despite obviously being intended as a compliment.

“Hey, I keep telling you, there are a lot of smart people in my year. Lupin and Marlene both do well.” And Potter and Black she added in her head, but not out loud. The idea that either of them had any genuine talent had always been a sore point with Severus.

Severus shook his head in a slightly dismissive way but didn’t respond. Lily sighed and left it at that. She knew better than to try to convince him he was wrong, or get a better response out of him. Lily looked down at her book, forcing herself to concentrate. ‘A freezing hex functions by slowing the atomic activity of a target…,

They worked mostly in silence occasionally discussing a certain point. Severus really was brilliant at Defense and she was glad to have his help. He sometimes over explained; Lily did know her stuff pretty well after all, but she reminded herself that there was nothing wrong with an excessively detailed explanation. When the library closed, she headed back to Gryffindor tower alone, overriding Severus’ objections and his grumbling.

Lily entered the tower and sat down with Marlene, who was skimming through their fourth year Defense book. Lily sat for a few moments, lost in thought. After a minute Marlene glanced up at her.

“What’s the matter?” Marlene was peering at her over the book now.

“Nothing. I’ll leave you to study,” Lily said quickly.

“You were with Snape, weren’t you?” the other girl asked shrewdly.

“What? Well yeah, so what?” Lily responded defensively. Severus had always been a sore point with Potter and Black but increasingly the rest of the Gryffindors seemed to have developed a set against him.

“I can just tell is all,” said Marlene, still studying her. “You always seem a bit put out afterwards.”

“I’m not put out. I had a nice time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Lily replied firmly. “Besides Sev is brilliant so it’s great to be able to pick his brain.”

Marlene didn’t seem to have anything else to say to that, so Lily stood up. “I’m going to bed. You should too. You’ll want to be rested for tomorrow.” Marlene nodded and Lily walked off. It was an hour later when Lily heard Marlene come in and climb into bed. Lily continued to lay awake wondering about her conversation with Marlene.

The next morning, Lily pulled herself groggily from bed. She took an extra few minutes in the shower to collect herself, so she was running a little late as she came down toward the Great Hall for breakfast. As she exited the portrait hole, Severus detached himself from the wall opposite and fell into step with her.

“Hey Lily. You look nice,” he said eagerly.

“It’s a uniform Sev. I always look like this. But thanks,” she added quickly.

“How are you feeling about today?” he asked.

“Good. I’m not too worried. How about you? I’m sure you’ll ace it.”

“Yeah. I think we’ll both do fine.”

They talked lightly about the upcoming OWL as they walked. Lily felt her nerves about the test unwind slightly in her stomach.

“Are you excited for summer?” Severus asked.

“I suppose,” Lily said slowly. “I’m looking forward to sleeping in.”

“Tuney?”

“Well, there is that,” Lily allowed. Tuney was a pet name for Petunia, Lily’s sister, with whom she had a somewhat contentious relationship. Lily’s thought only rested on Petunia for a moment before an image of a dark mark over a house from a front page a few weeks before flashed across her mind. “But I think I’ve also been using school to avoid looking at the news,” she admitted in a rush.

Severus looked at her oddly for a moment. “It’ll be okay, you know.”

“I hope so,” Lily said resignedly.

“Look, you’re brilliant. People would have to be idiots to think any less of you,” Severus said earnestly.

“Well, it hasn’t stopped them yet,” Lily muttered, self-conscious of the bitterness in her voice.

“There’s no point being down about it. It just stresses you out.”

“You’ve seen the papers,” Lily said, “It’s so bad out there. And it’s bad for people like me.”

 “Well, you can’t believe all that. There’s so much speculation. They don’t really know what’s happening.”

“But we know it’s bad out there,” Lily insisted.

“Well, we don’t know too much,” Severus responded.

“I know enough!” Lily snapped forcefully. Immediately Sev’s eyes flooded with hurt.

“I know this is hard but please don’t be mad at me,” he intoned softly. “You know I’m on your side, right?”

“Of course I do, Sev,” breathed Lily, “I’m really sorry.” They had reached the iron girded wooden doors to the Great Hall. The noise of hundreds of voices poured out onto them. They stood concealed in the shadow beside the huge door.

“I’m just saying it’s complicated is all,” Sev said gently, “You of all people must know the wizarding world needs change.”

Lily paused, “Well sure, but not the Death Eaters’ kind of change.”

 “I’m just asking you to be nicer to me,” said Sev gently.

“Of course, Sev,” Lily said quickly, feeling contrite, “You know how my temper can be.”

He grinned. “That’s something I love about you, usually.”

She smiled gently.

“We should go eat before they start,” said Sev.

“Oh, of course,” Lily muttered quickly. “See you after?”

“Of course,” he replied. He leaned forward and they hugged. After a moment Lily started to pull away. Severus held on for an extra second. “Good luck,” he muttered in her ear.

“Thanks,” said Lily, extracting herself. She smiled at Severus, still contrite, and hurried off to the Gryffindor table. She knew it bothered him that he couldn’t follow her there. She hoped it didn’t hurt his feelings too badly, or she would hear about it later.

Lily bustled over to the table and sat beside Marlene and Mary, sparring a glance for the enchanted ceilingg which showed that the sky outside was beautiful, clear and summer blue. Mary appeared to have reached a manic state, in which she muttered rapidly to herself, eyes unfocused. Whether she was running over spells or just panicking Lily could not tell. She glanced over at Marlene.

“Snape face,” the girl said.

“Leave it alone,” muttered Lily. “How are you, Mary?”

The other girl glanced at Lily disdainfully and then continued muttering. Lily glanced at Marlene and they both tried to contain their laughter. Lily was fairly certain loud laughter was probably not welcome in the Great Hall this morning.

At that moment, as if to test her theory, a laugh rang out. Further down the table, Sirius and James were gasping with mirth at something or other. As Lily had predicted they drew a number of harsh stares and few shushes, not least from Remus who was sitting right across from them and appeared to have upset orange juice onto some notes in shock. Lily suppressed a slight giggle at their antics. It was nice to see someone else who wasn’t completely gone with stress and it made her feel a little better.

After breakfast was through, the fifth years were pulled aside into an antechamber, something that Lily was fairly used to at this point in the week. A little while later they were let back out into the Great Hall, which was now set for testing. They spent the morning on the practical and then, after lunch, sat the written portion. Lily felt slightly nervous as the test were handed out but the first question was ‘Explain the function of a freezing hex,’ and from there the test seemed to fly by.

Lily felt like it went all right. She was generally pretty good in Defense and was also surprised by how simple the essays were. Some of it was stuff from second and third year. After the test let out, Lily wandered out onto the grounds with everyone else. She vaguely followed Mary and Marlene but let herself walk slower. She felt like she deserved a break, after all. She glanced around and saw the Marauders were seated under a tree looking disaffected. James appeared to have stolen a snitch he was playing with, but Lily refused to be pulled into Prefect mode at the moment.

Lily drifted lazily up to the lake and stood staring at the bright blue water, feeling herself relax. Only Transfiguration left now. After a moment, she because aware of a disturbance behind her. People were sitting up and taking notice of something. Lily turned. In a quick moment, she took in the scene before her. Severus was on his knees clutching at his mouth, his wand some ways away. James and Sirius stood over him, looking gleefully malicious. She knew they didn’t get along but they mostly kept their conflict away from her. Lily couldn’t stop looking at Sev’s helpless face. There were now soap bubbles coming out of his mouth. A knot tightened in Lily’s stomach.

“Leave him alone!” Lily bellowed rushing forward.

James seemed surprised to see her coming towards him. “All right, Evans?”

“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated, “What’s he done to you?”

“Well it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean,” James had the audacity to grin. People were laughing. Lily wasn’t sure she had ever been this angry at James. He was sometimes a bully and this had stopped them from really becoming as close as they might have, but she had always thought he was a decent sort underneath. But this was just needlessly cruel, and this was Sev. Something in Lily broke and hate bubbled up in her gut. And he was standing there, looking like he expected her to start laughing.

“You think you’re funny, but you’re just an arrogant bullying toerag. Leave him alone.” Lily was fighting to keep her voice steady. She found with slight surprise that she really believed what she was saying.

“I will if you’ll go out with me, Evans.” James was smiling lightly as if they were sitting around in the tower teasing each other. Lily wanted to shake him. “Go on, go out with me. I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the Giant Squid,” Lily said, nearly breathless with anger.

“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Black. He was laughing at them, Lily realized. He thought it was funny. Lily felt the start of tears in the corners of her eyes. Suddenly Black was shouting and James had stumbled sideways clutching at a spot just above his hip. His robes were darker there. It took her a moment to realize it was blood.

Lily looked past James for a second and saw Severus. He had his wand leveled at James and look of fierce joy in his eyes as James’ robes became slick with blood. Lily felt a sudden jolt of fear, but before she could really take it all in, James had moved and Severus was dangling upside down, his robes falling down around his head, revealing dirty grey pants.

People were laughing again and for a moment Lily almost joined them. It was a funny sight and James was still bleeding. It was hard to call Severus innocent in this; but he was her friend. “Let him down.”

“Certainly,” James said. Suddenly Sev was on the ground but James flicked his wand again paralyzing him. This was all happening too fast. Lily glanced around. No teachers and the only other Prefect in sight was Remus, who was staring resolutely at his book. Lily drew her wand.

“Leave him alone!” she bellowed as loudly and clearly as she could putting all the force of her anger into the words.

That got James’ full attention. “Evans, don’t make me hex you,” James muttered, eyeing the wand.

“Take the curse off him, then.”

James waved his wand at Severus and he collapsed onto the ground. “There you go. You’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus.” Lily felt herself breathe out.

“I don’t need help from a filthy little Mudblood like her!” Snape said it sharply but almost calmly. Lily looked at him and there was a coldness in his eyes. She held his gaze for a moment. His eyes were so familiar to her. She expected to see something she knew there. Something kind. Something safe. She realized that it was a long time since she had seen anything like that from him.

“Fine,” Lily said, “I won’t bother next time. And I’d wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus.” She was surprised she got a full sentence out. She felt like all the breath had gone out of her.

“Apologize to Evans!” James bellowed.

“I don’t want you to make him apologize,” Lily snapped. Suddenly everything was clear to her. “You’re as bad as he is.”

“What? I’d never call you a—a you-know-what!”

“Messing up your hair because you think it’s cool to look like you’re just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can. I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick!”

And then Lily turned and was hurrying away. She could feel the prickling in her eyes and she wanted to be away from all of them before she broke down. She heard yelling behind her but she didn’t care. She rushed up toward the castle and away from her friends trying to forget what she had just seen. In the middle of her chest there was a red hot ball, which contained the knowledge that she had meant every single word she had just said to all of them.

It was Mary who found Lily first. Lily glanced up, her eyes still a little red. She was sitting in a small alcove on the third floor. The mountains out the window were awash with pink and orange as the sun set on the far side of the castle. Mary climbed up onto the window ledge beside her.

“Well that was awful,” Mary said simply. Lily nodded mutely at this. Are you okay?” Mary asked. Lily shrugged. They sat there for a long moment of silence.

“I can’t believe him,” Lily muttered.

“Which one?” Mary asked.

“Any of them really,” Lily’s felt filled with static. She was numb and she couldn’t catch her thoughts as they drifted by.

“Snape went too far,” Mary said sharply.

“Well, Potter pushed him.”

“They push each other,” Mary said, “Snape cursed James as soon as he got his wand back.”

With a jolt in her stomach Lily suddenly remembered the blood on James’ robe. “Is he okay?”

“They patched him up fine. It has just a cutting spell not a proper curse.”

“Good.”

“Snape is capable of worse.” Mary sounded suddenly careful.

“I didn’t think so but I guess I don’t know what he’s…” Lily’s voice suddenly broke. Unexpectedly she was crying again. Mary pulled her into a hug. Mary gave good hugs. She was always very warm.

Lily’s mind was racing. Snape had been her best friend since she was a kid. He had introduced her to magic and he had been the only person that she had known when she came to Hogwarts. He had always supported her. He had made her feel important. He had told her she was beautiful when she was thirteen and awkward. The word Mudblood bounced around in Lily’s head. Was that all she was to him? Like some kind of clever, beautiful animal.

Lily sat there crying for a few more minutes while Mary whispered into her hair. But Lily had mostly cried herself out at that point, so it didn’t last long. She gasped a few times and then fell silent. After a moment, she extracted herself from Mary’s arms so that she could wipe her nose on her sleeve.

“Thanks Mary,” Lily said softly. The other girl smiled.

“Do you want to go up to the hospital wing?”

Lily looked up in confusion. “I’m alright Mary, really. I just want some dinner and then bed.”

Mary laughed slightly. “I mean to see James. They’re holding him over night for the cut. He won’t miss Transfiguration tomorrow though.”

Lily felt her face slide into a frown. “No! You heard what I said to him.”

Mary’s face was a mask of confusion. “But you guys always make up.”

“Not this time. He’s gone too far. Black too.” _And Severus,_ she said in her head.

“Come on Lily. It’s James. You know how he can be.”

“Yes, I really do now.” Lily could hear the cold steel in her voice. Mary paused for a long moment, looking at her.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Lily said, “I’m done with him. I’m done with the whole lot of them. I’m glad Ja… I’m glad Potter is okay, but other than that they can all rot as far as I’m concerned.”

Mary looked unsure, but seemed to gather herself. “Okay, Lily, whatever you need.”

Lily felt a smile at the corner of her mouth. At least some friends could be counted on. “Thank you,” she breathed. Mary smiled at her for a moment. “Hey, shouldn’t you be panicking about Transfiguration tomorrow?”

Mary groaned. “Don’t remind me. I should be studying. You’re lucky I cared about you so much.”

Lily smiled. “Go study. I’ll manage.”

Mary smiled back and gave Lily a quick parting hug before hurrying off down the corridor. Lily looked out the window and watched the mountains, which were now purple, slowly disappear into the night. Then Lily looked out into the darkness until the moon rose and the mountains began to glow silver. And then Lily slipped off to bed without dinner.

With a pang she remembered what Sirius had said last night about going to class being all the preparation he needed for OWLs. It seemed longer than a day ago. As she fell asleep, she hoped that she had been paying attention well enough in Transfiguration over the past five years.


	2. Cokeworth Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again some dialogue is from the books and therefore not by me.

Lily thought she did well enough on her Transfiguration OWL all things considered. Not her best work, certainly, but not terrible. More than anything, she was relieved to have the week of testing behind her.

Throughout the day, people mostly stayed out of her way, which seemed odd. She wondered if word about her fight had gotten around. A lot of people had seen it after all. It turned out the answer was even simpler than that.

As Lily slid onto a bench in the Great Hall, Marlene glanced up and said, “You still look about ready to murder someone.”

“What do you mean, still?” Lily asked.

“You’ve looked like that all day. Bit scary, really.” There was a pause in which Lily searched for something to say that wasn’t actually an apology. She’s wasn’t sorry. She had reasons.

“Did Mary talk to you?” Lily asked tentatively. She didn’t want to have to say it all again.

“She just said you had talked and not to distract her while she was studying for Transfiguration,” Marlene said dryly. Lily smiled slightly.

“Where is she?”

“Asleep, I think.” Marlene grinned and Lily suppressed a small laugh, her first all day.

“No offense, but I am looking forward to her being conscious enough to devote more attention to my problems. I always forget how much I rely on her emotional maturity.”

“Oh, no offense taken,” Marlene grinned, “This is not my strong suit and I can’t wait to pawn your sad ass off onto Mary.”

“Great friend you are,” Lily grumbled.

“Hey, I would do a lot for you and you better appreciate me,” Marlene matched Lily’s sarcastic grumbling, “I’ll kick Snape’s ass for you if you want.”

Lily’s smile slid quickly off her face. She sighed heavily. “Please don’t.”

Marlene looked slightly worried. “Sorry. Are you guys still friends? I figured … well, anyway.” She awkwardly fell silent.

“No, I’m done with him,” said Lily resolutely. “I’m done with the lot of them.”

“What, James and Sirius too?”

Lily nodded resolutely. Marlene looked unsure at this. Lily sighed again. She figured she should get used to this reaction. Most of her friends had been telling her to drop Severus for a long time. She was starting to see why now, even if she wasn’t totally comfortable with the revelation. It made sense that they would all expect that this was a final straw that would lead to her dropping him. They must have been expecting something like this, she supposed, and they weren’t wrong anyway.

But most of her friends, particularly her fellow Gryffindors really liked James and Sirius. And while she and James in particular fought quite a bit, it was often light and mixed in with a fair amount of friendlier bickering. And up to this point they had always made up quite quickly. It had never been serious before. It made sense that her friends would be surprised that this was a last straw for her with them too, but Lily wasn’t looking forward to answering that question another half-dozen times.

The next few weeks where strange for Lily. OWLs concluded before the end of the school year, and teachers pretty much stopped teaching as the fifth years were too elated to focus anyway. For the first time in her years at Hogwarts, Lily had fairly unlimited free time. Under different circumstances it would have been lovely, but as it was, the free time was mostly awkward and a little lonely.

A strange divide seemed to have appeared among the Gryffindor fifth years. Lily refused to interact with or acknowledge James and Sirius and would usually leave a group shortly after they entered it. Eventually, everyone got the hint and a certain segregation developed. On the one end, Lily rarely talked to Peter any more, though if they chanced to speak, he would be polite. He almost always stuck with James and Sirius. Lily saw Remus occasionally. He still mostly stayed with his fellow Marauders, but would make a point to leave them behind and spend some time with Lily. She appreciated this, even if it was a little awkward as he awkwardly avoided talking about the people he spent the vast majority of his time with.

There was a similar stratification among Lily’s dorm mates. Marlene, despite her pronouncements of loyalty, seemed to be trying to remain friends with everyone. She had always been closest with James and Sirius, and she professed a desire to stay out of the whole thing. Mary went in very much the other direction, keeping up frosty anger at James and Sirius. Lily suspected that this came from a sense of comradery rather than Mary actually sharing her objections, but it was appreciated never the less.

James, Sirius and Severus all tried to approach Lily at one time or another. Sirius was first and easiest to deal with. Two days after the incident, he wandered up to her in the common room and said, “Wotcher, Evans.”

Lily pointedly turned her back to him and did not respond. She had just managed to stop sulking and didn’t feel like she could stomach another conflict at this point. After several minutes of pretending to be engrossed in the view of the wall in front of her she chanced a glance over her shoulder. Black was gone. He didn’t try to approach her again for the rest of the year.

James on the other hand seemed completely unable to take a hint. After a few days of avoiding her, he started to wander up randomly, sometimes several times a day. His main goal seemed to be to make her laugh. He would grin winningly and make stupid jokes. Lily resolutely refused to make eye contact and kept herself from laughing even once, but he remained dogged. This continued for over a week until Lily couldn’t take it anymore.

Lily had been out on the grounds with Mary and Marlene and a couple other people enjoying the sunlight. She had gotten tired and decided to head in early and so she was alone when she came into the Entrance Hall and spotted Potter, also unaccompanied, coming up from a hallway she thought led to the Hufflepuff dorms.

“Hey Evans,” he immediately came sauntering up to her. “Have you…”

“Shut up, Potter,” Lily snapped, her voice hard. Ignoring him clearly was not working.

“Well I was just going to…”

“I thought I was clear, Potter, now leave me alone.” His smile flickered for a moment and Lily felt a burst of perverse pleasure at this. She must really hate him if she was now enjoying his pain.

“Look, maybe I went too far, okay?” he snapped, his voice rising.

“You think?” Lily rejoined sharply, matching his intensity, “What a stunning insight.”

“But you have to admit if anyone deserves it, it’s Snivillus. Right bastard he is.”

“You think this is about him?” Lily screamed.

“It’s not?” James replied in shock.

“Of course not!” bellowed Lily, pretending like she wasn’t trying to work out what she meant as she said it, “It’s about you, James!”

“Oh, are you going to say you’re disappointed now?” James snapped, “What are you, my mum?”

“Well, clearly your actual mum hasn’t done the job properly,” Lily barked. She froze and so did Potter.

“Are you having a go at my mum now, Evans?” He sounded furious in a way Lily had never really heard from him before. Lily had only ever seen James’ mum in passing a few times but she seemed lovely from everything Lily knew. Besides, having a go at a bloke’s mum was a bit stiff regardless of circumstances.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly.

Potter relaxed, “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.” He extended a hand his shit eating grin back on his face. Lily stiffened.

“No, Potter. We’re done.” She turned to go, leaving him standing shocked in the middle of the Entrance Hall with his hand extended. She was halfway up the Grand Staircase when he called after her.

“Really, Evans?”

She glanced back. “You heard what I said that day. I meant every word of it, Potter.”

“You think I’m as bad as Snape?” His voice was rising in anger again.

“I don’t seen an inch of difference,” Lily replied calmly. All the fight had gone out of her and she just wanted to leave. “I’m done with the lot of you. Don’t talk to me anymore, Potter.” She turned and walked away. He didn’t call after her again. After that day, he stopped trying to talk to her, though he picked up a habit of staring across the room at her. It was easier to ignore at least.

Severus came to her last of the three. She had expected him to come quickly, but he did not. He must have known that things had gone too far this time. She would see him around the castle, with his fellow Slytherins. She knew about them. She had heard the rumors around the castle, that they were Death Eaters in the making; that they hated Muggle-borns, hated people like her.

They never did anything too explicit, nothing that could get them singled out by a teacher. To the untrained eye, they seemed like bullying troublemakers, plain and simple. It had slowly down on Lily, however, that they tended to target the Muggle-borns. Their taunts tended to have a pointed edge. Sometimes the word Mudblood was tossed around all too casually. 

She had raised these concerns with Snape a few times. He had vouched up and down for them, he had told her it was all rumor and finally, when she remain unconvinced, he had asked if she trusted him. And of course she trusted him. It had, at the time, seemed an absurd question. But even with his assurance they had scared her.

Now his assurance was crumbling away. Clearly she had been wrong to trust him and the loss of trust was retroactive. Any faith she had extended to him in the past was retracted sharply, and her fear of Severus’ friends was compounded. When she saw them together, she felt bile rise in her throat and anger curl in her stomach.

Sometimes he would look up at her and they would make eye contact. She could feel the hard anger written on her face and she would do nothing to shift it. Snape would look away quickly, looking afraid. She supposed that was why he didn’t come over. He had always known her better than anyone. He knew what was going on in her mind.

The night before the end of the school year, a younger student who Lily vaguely recognized came in to the common room and said that Snape was outside. It had been two weeks since the incident. Lily thanked the student and remained in the comfortable chair she was occupying, flipping idly through a book. Several more people over the course of the evening mentioned his presence to her. She continued to ignore it.

Lily went up to bed fairly early, mostly so she could stop hearing about Snape’s vigil. She changed for bed and tried not to think of Severus waiting outside her door for her on the morning when she got her Hogwarts letter. His came a few hours earlier and she found him clutching it on her front porch, watching the sky for owls.

Lily heard footsteps in the hall and grabbed a book at random, pretending to read. The door swung open and Mary bustled in and started changing for bed.

“Snape’s outside. He wants a word,” she said after a moment.

“I know,” Lily sighed. “He keeps bothering people on the way in.”

“I figured,” said Mary softly. “I wouldn’t mention it at all, only he said he would sleep out there if he had to.”

Lily knew Sev wouldn’t say something like that unless he meant it. He was always so strong headed. A dense mix of emotions rushed though Lily’s gut. “I suppose I better deal with it,” she allowed, getting to her feet.

“Want me to come with?” Mary looked solid and fierce even in a dressing gown with lace around the hem. Lily felt herself smile slightly.

“I can handle it,” she said. “He won’t try anything.” She tried to sound more sure than she was. She felt like she lost track of what she was sure of about Severus. She took a deep breath and headed down the stairs.

As she stepped down into the hallway, Severus looked up with a hungry, excited look on his face. Lily had seen it many times before, but she had never thought much of it until now. She was suddenly glad that she could hear the Fat Lady shifting in her portrait over her shoulder. Lily could picture her watching the conversation carefully. Lily let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding in.

He was smiling at her as she came down and he started to step forward. She tensed and stepped back slightly. His smile slipped off of his face.

“Lily, you know Potter and Black…”

“Don’t,” she said sharply.

He pulled up short the familiar hurt look on his face. She didn’t know when his hurt look had become so commonplace in their friendship. He tried again. “Lily I’m just trying to…”

“Don’t.” She cut though his words sharply again. She just wanted him to leave, to get the hint. Severus knew her better than anyone. He must understand what she needed.

“Be reasonable, Lily, we’re best friends.” The plea burst out of him sharp and loud. He looked angry, and behind that a little scared.

“No, we’re not,” she said it hard and cold and confident and Snape’s face crumpled. There was a moment of ringing silence.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not interested,” Lily replied. With sudden clarity, she realized that she really didn’t want an apology from him.

“I’m sorry!” He said it sharper this time.

“Save your breath. I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”

“I was. I would have. I never meant to call you a Mudblood, it just…”

“Slipped out?” Lily was suddenly angry. He had said it again. Right to her face. “It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of the friends can understand why I even talk to you.” It was all coming out. Years of frustration and uncertainty. Years of wondering what she was missing. “You and your precious little Death Eater friends.” Some part of Lily hoped that he would contradict her; that he would prover her wrong. Instead Snape’s eyes fell to the floor. “You see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be. You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”

Lily was breathing hard. She had never said it like that before. It wasn’t just Snape’s friends. It wasn’t an accident of House or that he had no choice but to sit with them at meals. The fact was Snape was one of them. They were all going the same way.

The anger drained away as quick as it came leaving her tired. “I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.” That was it. It was finished. Lily almost felt herself smile.

“No listen, I didn’t mean…” Snape was stuttering in front of her. He looked fairly pathetic. She cut him off almost languidly.

“To call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?” She wasn’t sure if he did or not but at the moment she found that it wouldn’t surprise her and when she said it he didn’t deny it. He didn’t even pretend.

She turned and walked back inside. Lily went straight to bed, tired but calm. She fell asleep almost immediately and had the best sleep she’d had in months and woke up feeling strangely clean.

The last day of Lily’s fifth year passed slowly. She felt a sense of completeness and impatience. She was done with this year. It had not proved to be a pleasant end either. She still wasn’t looking forward much to summer but she was desperate to get away from the castle. She hadn’t felt that way about Hogwarts since her first few months there, when she had been horribly homesick.

The summer itself was generally not so pleasant a prospect. Lily’ sister, Petunia, hadn’t spoken to her much in a few years and, according to a letter from her parents, she was going to be away for the summer, having gotten a job doing secretarial work near London lined up for after her secondary school graduation. Her school got out a few weeks earlier than Hogwarts and she was already gone.

Being home with only her parents was a somewhat lonely prospect especially given her lack of friends in the neighborhood. She had largely fallen out of touch with her primary school friends since heading off to Hogwarts. She was gone much of the year and besides, it was difficult to maintain so many secrets. Easier not to have friendships with Muggles.

The strange semi-self-imposed exile of the wizarding world was one thing that had driven her closer to Severus. He lived near her and they had been good friends ever since they realized that she was a witch. He had been her greatest boon during past summers, but now his presence a few streets away felt more unnerving than anything. Overall, it was not an enticing prospect.

The one bright spot in her summer was the invitation to visit Mary in August. Both Lily and Marlene would spend the last two weeks of the holidays with Mary in London. She had pitched it to her parents as giving better access to both Diagon Ally and King’s Cross, but honestly she just wanted to get away from Cokeworth. As she said goodbye to her friends at the station and hugged her father, who had come to pick her up, she repeatedly reminded herself that it was only for a month and a half.

Lily’s assessment of the summer turned out to be broadly right. The summer dragged on with syrupy slowness and sticky heat. The news from London was the Petunia was being courted and didn’t have time to come up to visit. Lily told herself it was probably for best, which was absolutely true but didn’t make her feel any better.

Lily spent the first week of the holiday enjoying sleep and peace and by the end of the second had finished all of her homework for the summer. Her parents were lovely and it was so great to see them but they both worked long hours and weren’t what she would call entertaining.

The only truly dark spot in the uniform bright drudgery of the burning Cokeworth summer was Severus Snape. He didn’t try to speak to her again over the holiday but he seemed often to be around. She would see him walking past her house fairly frequently despite it not being on the way anywhere and he seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time in the park near her house, preventing her from going there when she needed to get away.

Her newly found distrust of Snape rendered this behavior thoroughly unnerving. She supposed that this is how he had always acted in the summer, seeming to drift deliberately into her orbit. She wondered now why this never struck her as uncomfortable before.

The summer stretched on for an uneventful month and a half. Her parents did their best to keep her company when they could, but their hours were as long as ever. Frustratingly just over a month home in the summer was apparently too short a time to fill with a job.

The most consistent daily event was the arrival of the owls. She often got post from her friends and the Daily Prophet arrived every morning. The Prophet was always an uncomfortable experience. She always liked reading the paper. Trying to keep up with the mundane developments of the wizarding world made her feel more a part of it. The developments of the world had turned dark of late, with the rise of the so-called Dark Lord and his followers. Lily skimmed through reports of deaths and strange disappearances almost daily at this point. The paper was simultaneously a lifeline and a bleak portent. Its daily arrival caused such a mix of relief and fear. Lily never told her parents about the deaths in the wizarding news.

The only surprise Lily got before leaving Cokeworth was the arrival of her OWL results. Despite her boredom she had managed to totally forget that they were imminent. When the owl carrying the strange envelope had arrived, everything had flooded back and she had ripped into it, both excited and nervous. The results were extremely good. Os in most subjects, including Potions and Charms. She had landed an E in History of Magic and another, disappointingly but not surprisingly, in Transfiguration. She supposed not studying at all probably wasn’t too good for her marks. Overall, though, Lily was very pleased. She excitedly rushed to tell their parents before they rushed off to work. They were thrilled. The sense of victory buoyed her through the rest of the day, and that night her parents took her out to a restaurant as a treat, an extremely rare occurrence in the Evans household.

All things considered, Lily was extremely relieved when the day of her departure arrived. She was up even earlier than usual, even though her train didn’t leave until noon. Lily had packed almost completely the night before and spent the better part of the morning pacing around the room. Her father drove her to the local station and she was off.

The train ride felt interminable to Lily. She felt like she had spent the entire summer in her head. All the familiar concerns raced around her head. Snape, the Marauders, the war, the deaths in the paper. She tried to shut it out. Cokeworth faded away until it was just part of the smoky plume laying out across the horizon behind her. Somewhere in there she was leaving Snape behind, and it felt like she was leaving her childhood forever.

Slowly a gray haze formed on the horizon ahead of her. The big smoke, product of London’s endless factories, lay ahead of her. If she was leaving her childhood behind in Cokeworth, she figured London was growing up. That was where the worst of the war was centered. That’s where the world waited for her.

Lily tried to pull herself from her bleak thoughts as she pulled into the station in the August haze. As she climbed down from the train, Mary slammed into her side, pulling her into a hug and focusing Lily’s thoughts wonderfully. Marlene came jogging up behind and hugged her too.

As they walked out to Mary’s parents’ car, they fell into easy conversation. Mary especially seemed to be having a wonderful summer. Marleen was a little quieter but seemed happy nonetheless. As they piled into the car, Mary turned to Lily.

“How was it at home?”

Lily groaned, prompting a grin from Marlene. “That bad, huh?”

“I was bored out of my mind and all alone with my thoughts,” Lily replied.

“Nothing good to think about, then?” Mary looked sympathetic.

Lily smiled tightly. “Well the end of the year wasn’t great for me and the papers didn’t help.”

“Did you see Snape much?” Mary elbowed Marlene but she just shrugged. “What? It’s an important question.”

Lily sighed again. “Look, I’ll tell you guys all about it. Goodness knows I have a ton to get off my chest. But for now, I just want to think about good things for a while.”

They didn’t speak of it for several days. The whole trip home was taken up with hearing about Mary’s trip to Spain. Lily, who had never been to the continent, was a bit jealous, but it sounded like Mary had a wonderful time. That night, Lily was treated to updates on every other student that Mary and Marlene were in contact with. Despite the letters from her roommates, Lily, who didn’t have her own owl, always felt a little cut off during the holidays and listened avidly. This was the wizarding world she had been missing, friends and crushes and petty grievances that would probably be forgotten as quick as they came. They didn’t talk about the war.

Marlene didn’t say much about her summer. She had spent it at home and didn’t have a big trip to talk about so it wasn’t all together surprising. This was countermanded by the fact that any questions about her summer caused her to grin like a cat in the cream and she seemed in unusually good spirits constantly.

“She has a pen pal who she’s quite pleased about,” Mary supplied when Lily brought this up.

Lily oohed at Marlene, who did look a little flushed. “Someone special?”

“That’s what I thought,” Mary supplied, “but she assured me it was some girl.”

Lily was disappointed by this. She’d never known Marlene to date before and it would be quite fun to tease her. Strangely, Marlene did still look a bit flushed. “Is that right, Marlene?” Lily asked.

“Yep, just a girl,” Marlene supplied not meeting her eye. Lily had a sudden spike of suspicion.

“You’d tell me if you were dating a Marauder right?” she asked, a little sharper than she meant to.

“What?” Marlene sputtered out with an incredulous laugh. “I guess, but that is absolutely not happening.”

“Right,” said Lily. The moment was suddenly a little odd. Mary, bless her, stepped in to cut the tension.

“And here was me thinking we were your only friends.”

Marlene, who was friends with nearly everyone at Hogwarts within three years of her age, rolled her eyes. “You got me. I have secret other friends.”

Lily laughed at this, but she eyed Marlene carefully. She wasn’t saying everything. Lily filed the thought away for later. 

It was several days before Lily was forced to revisit her thoughts from the weeks before. They were blissful days that reminded Lily why she had always looked forward to summer before this. The English summer, warm enough but not too warm, the days packed with friends and easy going good cheer. Lily enjoyed herself immensely and managed to largely forget her unpleasant summer and the awkwardness that was certain to arrive with the upcoming school year. Mary and Marlene, however, had no reason to dread the upcoming school year, and as it grew closer, talk inevitably turned that way.

“Well, sixth year can’t be harder than fifth,” Mary groused.

“I don’t know, you just watch them find a way,” said Marlene.

“I bet they’ll start us off on NEWT prep right away,” Lily sighed.

Mary looked horrified. “Oh, I hope not, those are ages away.” Marlene laughed at this. Mary seemed to pull herself from her thoughts on another round of tests. “Well, at least it’ll be nice to be back at the castle.”

Marlene nodded fervently, looking excited at the prospect. Lily looked away, trying not to think about seeing Snape in the halls and Potter and Black in the common room. She could feel Mary’s eyes on her without looking and knew the question was coming before it arrived.

“What’s the new semester going to be like for you, Lily?” Mary said it gently but firmly. They were having this conversation now.

“Same as you guys, I suppose?” said Lily, trying some bravado.

“You know what I mean,” said Mary gently.

Marlene, as usual, was much less tactful. “Are you still friends with Snape?”

“No, like I said, I’m done with him.”

“What about James and Sirius?”

“I’m done with them too.” The two girls were visibly disappointed by this. Lily sighed slightly. “That’s my decision, please just respect it.”

“Of course we will,” said Mary quickly.

“No,” said Marlene at the same time.

“What do you mean, no?” Lily snapped, anger rising up in her.

“This is going to disarray our whole lives. Gryffindor tower was so tense the last two weeks last year. I can’t deal with a whole year of that,” Marlene snapped back.

“Oh, I’m awfully sorry this is hard for you!” Lily was yelling now. “I wasn’t exactly having a great time myself.”

“Oh, of course you…” Mary started quietly, but Marlene cut her off.

“James didn’t even do anything that bad. They fixed Snape right up.”

“Just because you can fix something with magic doesn’t mean it’s okay to break it in the first place!” Lily was standing now. She wasn’t sure when that had happened. “You pure-bloods are so cavalier about all of this.”

“What about Snape?”

“Snape is a right bastard and he can go to hell,” Lily said it with more force and confidence than she felt. Despite the strength of her conviction, she kept going back and forth between being angry with Snape and missing him terribly.

“Well, I’m glad we agree on that at least,” said Marlene sharply.

Lily bit back an angry retort. “I’m just sick of seeing Potter and Black be needlessly cruel. I know them and Snape are always after one another, but Potter’s a bit cold toward anyone he thinks isn’t good enough for him.”

“But he’s right about Snape,” Marlene said quickly. Lily made a derisive note in the back of her throat at this, but Mary nodded in agreement.

“Snape is horrible, Lily,” she said gently, “And James and Sirius are James and Sirius. We all make some allowances for friends.”

“That’s true. We put up with Mary during finals,” said Marlene, a grin spreading on her face.

“And Marlene the rest of the year,” Mary added quickly. Marlene spluttered pretending to be indignant but Lily could tell she was quite pleased by Mary’s quick retort. Lily still couldn’t seem to muster a smile.

“I just feel like I’ve made too many of the wrong kind of allowances the last few years. Friends can go too far.” She sighed thoughtfully. “I know it’s not quite the same as with Snape, but I make allowances I don’t like with Potter and Black as well. And it’s happened one time to many.”

Mary nodded at this. “They can be tossers sometimes. Especially the last few years,” she allowed thoughtfully.

“We still all have to live together,” said Marlene. She looked determined.

“That is true, Lily,” Mary supplied gently.

Lily didn’t look up at them for a moment, rolling this over in her mind. They weren’t wrong. And it’s not like she could demand they stop being friends with their classmates for her sake. “I’ll be civil when I have to be around them, but I’m not friends with them anymore.”

“I’ll settle for polite acquaintances,” Marlene muttered. Lily ignored this.

“It was awful, what they did,” Mary said comfortingly. Out of the corner of her eye Lily saw Mary glance sharply at Marlene.

“It was a bit mean,” Marlene allowed.

“Thanks, guys,” said Lily smiling up at them. She tugged them both in a hug. Mary hugged her back fiercely while Marlene made a noise of annoyance. After a moment, however, Marlene’s arms snaked around Lily as well.

After a moment, they all pulled apart. Marlene started to open her mouth but Mary hit her arm. “Don’t.”

Marlene looked indignant. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I know that look on your face.”

“What look?”

Lily smiled, just a tiny bit. She knew the look Mary meant but she really didn’t mind. Marlene’s bluntness felt like something normal and grounded that she needed at the moment.

“Just say whatever it is Marls,” Lily said quickly.

“Are we allowed to bad mouth Snape yet?” Marlene asked eagerly.

Lily sighed. She supposed she should have expected this. She took a deep breath trying to decide how she felt. It was a good question. Years ago, when Snape had established a low level antagonism with Potter and Black, Lily had made it clear she didn’t want to hear negative things about Snape even if they were true. As Snape had become less and less popular in the Gryffindor common room, this rule had slowly been expanded. Lily wasn’t sure how it had happened but her friends had learned that they couldn’t talk negatively about Snape to her.

Lily had still caught bits of gossip here and there. She also knew about the other Slytherins whom Snape was friends with, including Avery and Mulciber, about whom she had heard some deeply unsettling things. Lily wondered if it would help her get past feeling bad about cutting Snape out to hear about some of the things he had done to others. She also really wanted her remaining friends to be honest with her and to be able to tell her what was on her mind.

Lily only realized that she had been silently considering the question a little too long to seem natural when Mary spoke. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Sorry for pushing,” said Marlene quietly, looking self-conscious as she usually did when she felt she had to apologize for something.

“No,” said Lily quickly, “I would like to talk about it, but…” she took a slow thoughtful breath, “…could I go first?”

“Sure,” said Mary gently. Marlene, on the other hand, practically grinned.

“Well, no need to look like that, Marls,” said Lily. It came out a little more hurt than she intended and Marlene’s face softened immediately.

“This is hard for you, huh?”

“Well, he was my best friend for years.”

Marlene nodded at this and lightly patted Lily’s shoulder. Coming from Marlene completely unasked for this was an unprecedented level of affection. Lily decided that Marls was really taking this seriously as it deserved and smiled her thanks.

“And that’s kind of it, I suppose,” Lily added thoughtfully, “He was my best friend for years. He’s my oldest friend too. I kind of lost track of everyone else when I went to Hogwarts.”

“You did?” Marlene asked.

“Well sure,” said Mary quickly, “I’m not really close with any of my Muggle friends anymore.”

Lily nodded, “Do you know how hard it is for a twelve-year-old to lie about where they spent most of the year? Especially when they spent it at an amazing magic school.” Mary laughed and Marlene continued to look thoughtful.

“Everything just changed so slowly,” Lily sighed, “I keep wondering if there was something that I should have noticed. Should I have expected him to up and call me a… well, you know.” Lily trailed off, not really expecting a response. It felt good to talk to people about this who actually understood.

“He called Mary that a few times,” said Marlene quietly.

It took Lily a moment to process the words and then she rounded on Mary. “What?”

Mary shrugged. “You know how that lot in Slytherin are.”

“Well sure but not Sev,” Lily said quickly. She heard the confidence in her own voice, a statement she had made hundreds of times and had to remind herself that she had no reason to believe that anymore. Maybe she hadn’t had a reason for a long time. “Right?” she added, looking at Mary.

“Well, he’s not the worst of them. That’s for sure,” Mary looked a bit uncomfortable.

“He’s not any better though,” said Marlene forcefully. Lily took a moment to process this. At the beginning of the summer she had accused Snape of this very thing and had been disturbed when he didn’t deny it but this still hit her hard. Proof positive was different even than a whole lot of evidence; and to think of it happening to poor long suffering Mary, Lily felt her stomach clench.

Lily reached out and put her hand on Mary’s shoulder. The girl still wasn’t making eye contact with her. “Why didn’t you tell me, Mary?”

Mary shrugged, “you didn’t want to know. You made it pretty clear,” she said softly.

“Oh, Mary,” Lily felt tears rising in her eyes. She threw her arm around Mary. “I never meant… I didn’t.” She took a deep shuddering breath as Mary hugged her back. “I’m so sorry.”

 Mary clung to her tighter. Over Mary’s shoulder Lily could see Marlene looking a bit surly at her. She tried to shoot an apology her way without saying anything. Mary must have been bringing all of this to Marlene or some of the boys, given that Lily was unavailable. Marlene really did care about them but comfort and support were not her strong suit.

“He really is awful,” Mary said into Lily’s hair, snapping Lily’s thoughts back to the other girl. Lily felt another stab of sorrow. Lily and Mary were the only Muggle-borns in their year in Gryffindor. Marlene was nice in her way, but she was a pure-blood. She was probably only able to hold up her end in a conversation about navigating the complexities of wizard blood politics so well.

“I’ve really made a hash of this,” Lily sighed, “I’m so so sorry.”

Mary sat back. “Can I be honest, Lily?” Lily nodded quickly bracing for a royal telling off. “I hate him. I really do.” Mary raised her chin, looking defiant. Then she smiled slightly. “That felt nice to say. Thank you, Lily.”

“Thank you?” Lily replied weakly. “After how I was? You should be mad.”

Mary sighed. “But I don’t want to be. Honestly I feel bad for you more than anything. You spent so much time on him.” Lily looked down, the truth of this sinking in.

“I’m still mad at you, if that makes you feel any better,” Marlene said, but when Lily looked up at her she looked more amused than anything. Lily let out a strangled laugh. It felt good. Freeing.

“That is reasonable,” she said. “I was an idiot.”

Marlene smiled back. “Smartest idiot I know.” They were both giggling now. Mary looked incredulous.

“I will never understand you guys. How is insulting each other a way to end a fight?” That set the two of them off laughing some more. Lily let out a shaky breath.

“He kept showing up at my house,” said Lily suddenly.

“Kept trying to talk to you?” Marlene asked.

“No. He would just be around outside,” said Lily quickly.

“That is terrifying,” said Mary, sounding deeply worried.

“I think that’s worse somehow,” Marlene added.

“Yeah, as soon as I said it out loud I realized how bad it was,” Lily admitted, “This summer was awful.”

Marlene grinned in a way that was fairly alarming. “Well, if he tries it at school, I have some ideas of how to deal with it.” Normally Lily would have told her friend off for the implied threat, but she found that in that moment she could feel nothing but grateful. For the first time all summer, she felt excited about returning to Hogwarts.

After that, Lily had much more fun of the rest of the summer. The specter of the new term no longer seemed to loom over her head in such a dreadful way. Lily spent a good amount of the remaining summer keeping half an eye on Marlene. She was getting an unusual flurry of letters, all seemingly from the same person, and she was very guarded when asked about it. All of this pointed to a boyfriend but when Lily finally managed to catch a look at one of the letters it seemed to be from Dorcas Meadows, a Ravenclaw from the year above theirs. Maybe Marlene was just fostering other friendships.

During this time, a thought slowly grew in Lily’s mind. At a certain point she noticed, appreciatively, that her friends were not bring up Potter and Black in front of her. Once or twice she was aware of them skirting awkward mention of the two in conversation and she was aware of at least one conversation cut oddly short as she arrived at breakfast.

However, the more Lily thought about this, the more she realized something. Her friends were not being honest with her. Not that they were lying, but they were not telling her everything that they would have liked to. Lily knew full well that there would always be things that they wouldn’t talk about together, but she was still stinging from the realization that she had pushed them away so thoroughly and missed so much by refusing to have unpleasant conversations about Snape.

That moment was when the thought in her mind grew to its full expression. She didn’t want to be unable to talk to her friends about people who they all saw every day. She wanted, for the sake of her friendship, to be able to have a reasonably civil conversation about Potter and Black, or at least listen and nod quietly while her friends talked about them.

To this end, Lily decided that she needed to talk out her feelings with her friends. This seemed a much less pleasant a prospect than the talk about Snape. Her friends would not agree with her and she had to be okay with that. Lily put off the conversation until the last day of August. They were packing to go to the train station the next day when an opportunity presented itself.

Marlene had apparently decided that while they packed Lily needed to hear a few more encouraging words about the Snape situation. Privately, Lily agreed and the conversation was mostly encouraging platitudes and promises of eternal friendship. Lily was feeling generally protected until Marlene said, “and we’ll get the whole dorm in on it. Snape isn’t popular and everyone loves you. You can always go to any of us.” 

“Don’t bring Potter and Black in on it,” Lily said, steeling herself and rushing on before she could chicken out. “I stand by what I said there.”

“Still?” said Marlene in a pinched voice. Past her Lily could see Mary. The other girl kept her face neutral but Lily saw a flick of the other girl’s eyes that Lily would swear was the start of an aborted eye roll. She rushed on.

“I know you don’t agree with me and you don’t have to. But I want to talk about it so it won’t be weird.”

“I’m not sure I understand your plan,” said Mary gently.

“Well, talking about it will be weird,” Lily quickly acknowledged, “but then we can get the weird out of the way.”

Marlene giggled slightly at this. Lily responded with a rude gesture. “Do you think that’ll work?” Marlene asked.

“I don’t know, but I want to try,” said Lily resolutely. “I hate that I wasn’t talking to you guys about things. Also, I think if I know you know why I’m mad, I think I can get past not wanting to hear about them. I want you guys to be able to talk to me about things and they are your friends still.”

“I’d like to be able to talk about them to you,” Marlene said with a surprising amount of feeling. “Not talking about things does suck.”

Mary smiled, “I agree. That sounds nice.”

“It’s not too weird to hear me bad mouth them a bit?”

“Nah what are friends for?” said Marlene with a grin. “Let’s talk some trash.”

“Marls,” Mary sighed. But she glanced at Lily with an encouraging nod as well. Lily took a deep breath and tried to arrange her mind.

“So…” she started thoughtfully, “I realized after everything with Snape that I was looking the other way for a lot of stuff he did, you know? And it started small. Like he’d say something weird or he liked his housemates who were absolutely awful.” Lily took a thoughtful pause. “It sort of creeped up on me, you know?”

“I can see that,” said Mary softly.

“What’s this to do with James and Sirius?” Marlene asked.

“It’s just, I’m afraid that it’s happening again.”

“They’re not like Snape at all,” Marlene replied hotly.

“I mean they’re not going the same way, but they’re different.”

“We’re all different,” Marlene snapped, “We were kids when we met. We’ll be of age in a year or two.”

Lily could feel her anger rising but Mary leaned over and put a hand on Marlene’s shoulder. “Let Lily get her point across.” They both fell silent for a moment and then Lily took a deep breath.

“They used to be so nice. Like not proper, not polite, but kind. And now they’re not.” Lily could feel her voice rising and growing thicker with emotion but there wasn’t anything to be done. She needed to get through this. “They bully people and they’re mean. And they’re still nice to their friends and kind when they want to be. And they make me laugh and they challenge me but I don’t like how they treat other people. And it might get worse, or not get better. And I can’t do it again. I can’t risk it.” Lily was breathing heavily, gasping for air after moving through the last few sentences at a sprint. They had come bursting out of her like water from a hose. She hadn’t realized how much she needed to talk about this.

There was a long pause and Lily felt her face redden a little. Suddenly, Mary sprung forward and wrapped her in a hug. “I’m so sorry Lil. That’s awful.”

“Snape was my best friend and I trusted him with everything, but he just got worse and worse.” Lily felt tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. “And I let him. I didn’t say anything because it made him sad and I hated to see him sad.” Lily sniffed a little. “And maybe I could have stopped him. Maybe I could have gotten my friend back if I had acted in time.”

“None of that now,” Marlene snapped suddenly. The girl had been hanging back but suddenly she was in Lily’s face, a hand firmly on her shoulder and a fierceness in her eyes. “Don’t you dare blame yourself. Snape made his choices and they were terrible and that is on him.”

 Lily let out a short damp laugh. “I know. You’re right.” She took another deep breath. “I can’t fix him and it’s not my job anyway, but I shouldn’t have stood by him either. And I won’t make the same mistake with Potter and Black. I don’t like how they’re acting and I won’t be friends with them because that is support. Besides, I’m a Prefect. I need to be someone the people they pick on can come to for help.” Lily let out a shuddering breath. “And that’s all there is to that.”

“I can understand that,” said Mary slowly. “I don’t think that they’re as bad as you think, but they can be a bit awful these days.”

Lily looked over at Marlene, waiting to see her reaction. For a moment her face was unreadable. “I get that,” she allowed quietly, looking down at her knees. “I agree with Mary that they’re not as bad as all that, but you just got burned with Snape. You’re being careful.” Marlene glanced up and offered her a small, tight smile.

Lily let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “Yes! Exactly.”

Marlene nodded at her gently. Mary leaned in a hugged her again. “We’ll respect it. Promise.”

Lily smiled. “Thanks. You can still talk to me about them, and I’ll be polite but I don’t want to be friendly. I just want to keep a buffer up.” The other girls nodded. Lily turned back and began packing again.


	3. Secrets and Accusations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this one we start getting some the swearing that gives it its teen rating

The next day, Lily ran into Potter and Black earlier than expected. She assumed that she would see them at some point on the train ride, since her Prefect duties necessitated patrolling the train and the Gryffindors in her year made a point of visiting each other’s compartments at some point anyway. Lily had braced herself for this, but she was not ready to weave her trolley between two clumps of people talking on the crowded platform and nearly ran Sirius Black over. She pulled her trolley up sharply just short of hitting him from behind and made eye contact with Potter, who was looking over Black’s shoulder at her with widening eyes. Lily noticed a shiny badge on Potter’s chest, indicating he was the Gryffindor Quidditch captain this year. Lily made a mental note to ask Marlene, who was a Beater on the team, what she thought of this. When he noticed her, Potter’s hand had immediately gone to his hair and Black turned to see what James was looking at.

“Evans,” he said tersely.

“Black,” she replied. There was a hollow pause which the noise of the station rushed in to fill.

“Well, it’s been great,” Black said after a moment. He turned and pushed his trolley toward the train without a backwards glance. Lily watched him go and then turned back to James, who was still watching her with a wary expression.

Evans,” he allowed cautiously, sticking to ground that had already been tested.

“Potter,” she replied just as evenly.

“How has your summer?”

“Fine.”

“Mine was nice,” James said, and then looked at Lily expectantly. She didn’t respond and resolutely turned her cart to walk away. This had gone on long enough. Suddenly, there was a hand on her cart.

“Are you still mad at me, Lily?” James asked. She brushed his hand away and stepped back.

“No,” she replied tersely.

“You seem mad.”

“I’m not mad. We’re just not friends anymore,” Lily said as bluntly as possible. She just really wanted him to get the point, really wanted this conversation over. James looked at her shocked for a moment. Lily turned and walked away.

“Go out with me, Evans,” he called after her. She didn’t even turn.

“Fuck off, Potter.”

Lily didn’t look back but she could picture Potter crumpling. She felt elated for a moment before she caught the eye of the parents of what looked like a first year standing a few steps from her. They looked livid. Lily dropped her eyes and sped up, feeling slightly guilty. She shouldn’t have let him get to her enough to swear in front of children. She was glad she hadn’t put on her Prefect badge yet. That wouldn’t do. 

Lily caught up with Mary and Marlene, who already had a compartment and started to put her stuff away. She then pulled the blinds and changed quickly before hurrying off to the beginning of the year Prefect meeting.

Hurrying up the hallway, Lily saw Remus emerging from a compartment up ahead. He turned and spotted her and raised his hand in greeting.

“Lily.”

“Hey, Remus.” She drew him into a quick hug. “Good summer?”

“Oh yeah, it was all right,” the boy replied. They turned and headed toward the meeting. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily glanced into the compartment and saw Potter, Black and Pettigrew staring out at her. She considered saying hello to Peter, who she hadn’t seen yet but she rather thought that might get him in trouble with the other boys somehow. She decided she would greet him later at a less awkward moment.

As Lily and Remus fell into step together, they dropped into conversation about their summers. It was awkward for a moment while Remus tried to describe his summer without actually mentioning James and Sirius. After watching him suffer for a moment, Lily jumped in. “You spent the summer at the Potters’, didn’t you? All four of you?”

“Oh, are we allowed to acknowledge their existence now?” Remus said it teasingly, but Lily felt an actual question buried in there.

“Yeah.”

“James said you’re not friends anymore?”

“Yeah, but we’re still dorm mates and all that,” Lily said resignedly, “I’ll be cool as long as they are.”

“Since when are they ever cool about anything?” Remus quipped.

Lily sighed, a little actual anxiety creeping in. “I suppose we’ll just do our best. So, how was your summer actually?”

“It was great. I spent most of the holiday at the Potters’ with the boys.”

“Good, good.”

“How was yours?” Remus asked.

Lily sighed, long and frustrated.

“That bad, huh?” Remus asked, grinning.

“Well, the last bit was nice. I was at Mary’s for a few weeks,” Lily said. “Not so good before that though.”

“Your sister?”

“Not around actually,” said Lily. “I never thought I’d miss her but it was a really lonely summer.”

“You normally spend a lot of time with Snape on the holidays, right?” asked Remus cautiously. For a moment, Lily felt herself preparing for a fight, but she took a deep breath and let it go.

“Yeah, but obviously it did me no good this year.”

“Not friends with him anymore either?”

“Definitely not. We are not speaking.”

They stopped talking as they reached the Prefects compartment. Lily could tell Remus had more questions, but they weren’t paired together to patrol the train so they didn’t get a chance to talk about it until later. Unfortunately, they were assigned to patrol the halls after the feast that night; an unpleasant job that usually went to some sixth years and was extremely unpopular. Lily suspected that the fact that the Head Boy this year was a Slytherin might have something to do with the Gryffindors landing this duty.

They briefly grumbled about the duties and then patrolled in silence for a few minutes. After a few false starts, Remus managed to find the right words. “Am I allowed to bad mouth him?”

“Snape?” Lily asked, and Remus nodded. “You’d be shocked how much I’m getting that question these days,” Lily said wryly, prompting a laugh from Remus. He continued to look expectant. “I suppose so.”

Remus grinned but then shrugged. “I suppose you probably know all of it already.” Lily let out a sigh. They patrolled a few minutes in silence. Lily’s thoughts were churning in her head.

“He’s just so creepy. I don’t know how I didn’t notice sooner.”

Remus glanced up at her. “Snape?” has asked and Lily nodded.

“He kept hanging around outside my place all summer,” Lily admitted. “Like I would just see him walking by or standing outside.” Remus made a dour face and a noise in the back of his throat but Lily pressed on. “It just made me realize how he never really had a sense of boundaries; how forward he always was. He injected himself into every part of my life without ever asking.”

“Were you okay with that?” Remus asked. Lily glanced at him and he shrugged. “You guys were best friends, weren’t you? The Marauders get aggressively personal with me all the time and they can be quite pushy, but I really don’t mind. I’m glad of it usually.”

“And when you’re not?”

“Well, then I tell them to shove off. They learn when to take me seriously.”

Lily paused and turned this over in her head. It had never occurred to her that you were allowed to do that. She did sometimes like that Snape was always around. When she wanted him he had never been hard to find, but any time she had tried to ask for space, he had acted like it was the height of betrayal.

“I suppose he didn’t like to hear no. But he was my best friend,” she added quickly. “He was entitled to my time.”

“I hang out with my best friends because I want to,” said Remus quietly. “If I don’t want to, then I don’t.”

Lily was silent for a moment at this. Suddenly, she was picturing Mary and Marlene. Sometimes Lily would have a bad day or just feel tired and she would disappear. Sometimes they would too, but they would always come back to each other and they would make time if things were important. Lily never felt a pang of dread when she saw them coming, even on her worst day.

“How did I not see this?” Lily asked the hallway in general. “He was such an ass to the other Muggle-borns and he was awful to me. I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Remus was there at her side quick as a flash. “You are not. You’ve know him forever. It probably snuck up on you.”

“God, Remus, why are you so perceptive,” Lily muttered feeling her cheeks flush. Sometimes Remus gave the impression that he was staring straight into her brain. It was unnerving, even though she trusted Remus completely. He grinned at that and shrugged slightly.

“You’re well shot of him,” he said.

Lily grinned. “Oh, very eloquent.”

“Don’t tell Snape I said that,” Remus added. “It might ruin our friendship.” Lily couldn’t help but laugh at this.

“Oh, he hated you lot. Was practically obsessed with you guys. He always wanted to know what you were up to.”

“He was always trying to catch us breaking the rules,” said Remus thoughtfully.

“I think the ultimate goal was to get you all expelled,” said Lily with a grin. “Kind of the dream, you know?”

“Him and Sirius might have that in common, to be honest,” said Remus with a grin. Lily found herself laughing at this.

“Well, try not to let them succeed okay? I would miss you, at least.”

“That is the plan,” said Remus.

“Snape always thought you were weird,” said Lily thoughtfully. “He fights most with Potter and Black but he always had a bit of a fixation on you. Lots of theories.”

“Is that right?” said Remus. His voice sounded oddly strained, but when Lily glanced up at him his expression was bemused.

“Yeah, but he hated James most I think. Not sure in what world he’s worse than Sirius,” said Lily smiling.

Remus shrugged. “Well, you did always get along better with James, and he was always asking you out.”

“So?” said Lily, bemused.

Remus shrugged it off. “I’m sure he hated the lot of us, though.”

“Oh yeah, hating people was like an Olympic Sport for him,” Lily joked. “You know the Olympics?” she asked as an afterthought.

“Big Muggle sports thing, right?” asked Remus. “My mom’s a Muggle-born. She gets a bit excited about it.”

Lily grinned. “Yeah. Snape hated almost everyone. Even people he’d never met. Big on people proving themselves.”

“Sounds like a nice guy,” Remus said sarcastically. There was a slight edge of bitterness in his voice and Lily’s laugh caught in her throat. She hated that her friends had all thought this about Snape while she was off hanging out with him. It was awkward and embarrassing and felt almost like a betrayal. She hated that they had been right as well. It made her feel stupid. Everyone else had spotted it, why not her?

“Sorry,” said Remus quietly. Lily smiled.

“It’s okay. Let’s just get back to the common room. I think we’ve done our duty.” She tried to make it sound like a joke but neither of them laughed.

They walked in silence for a few minutes before Lily spoke. Seeing the Fat Lady up ahead, she quickly said “It’s good to see you again, Remus.”

He smiled, “It’s good to see you too, Lily. Maybe next summer when we’re both of age we can meet up somewhere during the break.”

“Yeah,” said Lily, smiling at the thought as Remus gave password to the Fat Lady and the portrait swung open. “We can get lunch. That’s a thing adults do, right?”

Remus laughed at this as well but then stilled, glancing over toward the fire. The other three Marauders were sitting there, watching the interaction. Remus quieted but his smile didn’t drop. “Goodnight, Lily.”

“Goodnight, Remus,” she replied. She almost leaned in for a hug and then thought better of it and turned to hurry away. Lily slept like a stone that night. It had been a long day.

Lily’s first few weeks back at school were actually quite peaceful. Snape seemed to hover less. Lily assumed this was thanks to the watchful presence of her friends. The few times he seemed to be coming toward her, they closed ranks around her and Snape always passed by without sparing her a glance.

There was an odd peace among the Gryffindor sixth years as well. It was not usual to see all seven of them gathered together as in past years, but everyone seemed to be on comfortable terms. Lily avoided direct contact with James and Sirius as much as was possible, and neither of them tried to force it on her at the moment.

James seemed to want to push things as far as he could and would greet her when he saw her. She would politely return the greeting, bracing for a follow-up comment of some kind but it never came. Sirius, on the other hand, seemed to be mad at her for some reason. She supposed that ignoring him was about the worst thing he could think of.

She had managed to be involved with a group of people that contained one or both of the boys without too much weirdness. The oddest thing about that was that it reminded her why she liked them. She tried not to laugh too visibly at their jokes but it was hard not to be pulled in.

Everything progressed as normal with a notable change from last year. Dorcas Meadows, the Ravenclaw seventh year that Marlene was pen pals with, was around now. When they hung out with Marlene outside the tower, Dorcas would just sort of show up in a way that was a bit uncanny. Marlene also seemed to be gone more, apparently to hang out with Dorcas.

Before this year, Lily had known Dorcas in the vague sort of way that one knows certain students. She was… around. She moved through the background of Lily’s life. She was a year above so they didn’t have classes together, but she was at meals and in the halls. Sometimes she would feature in a friend’s story, and Lily had heard that she was quiet at first and very nice when you got to know her. If Lily had seen her somewhere in the Muggle world, she probably would have stared at her for a few minutes trying to figure out why she looked familiar. 

Now that Lily was getting to know her, she decided that Dorcas was in fact both quiet and nice. She seemed a bit shy around Lily and Mary especially and vaguely eager to please. Lily felt oddly like she was supposed to be judging Dorcas for something thought she wasn’t sure what.

For Marlene’s part, she teased Dorcas constantly, a sure sign that she very much liked her. Dorcas tended to get a bit flustered about the teasing; flushing and becoming tongue tied. Marlene, who usually preferred a clever conversation partner who would shoot back at her, seemed to really enjoy causing this stammering reaction. The oddest thing of all was that Lily kept catching Marlene staring at Dorcas when she thought no one was looking. In these moments, she always seemed to have a soft little smile on her face, not her usual boisterous one. Lily tried to bring this odd behavior up to Mary who just giggled and smiled at Lily and refused to explain.

Sixth year marked the start of NEWT preparations, something every teacher was quick to note. Lily noticed a definite upswing in course work almost immediately. This largely forced the mystery of Marlene and Dorcas’ friendship out of her mind.

One thing that school didn’t seem to be able to drive from Lily’s mind was the war. Lily had hoped that the new school year would let her forget again, but being back among her fellow wizards had the opposite effect. Suddenly, people were talking about it all the time. The latest death or disappearance or strange occurrence. There was an odd sort of disconnected fascination around the school. Hogwarts was the ultimate safe place in the wizarding world and the Ministry was holding well enough against the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. People still felt removed but also strangely connected. The war seemed to be everywhere and yet nowhere.

Other than that, the school year progressed as it usually did, and in the middle of the first full week back Remus went home to visit his mother. Mrs. Lupin had some kind of chronic illness and Remus was allowed to go home once a month to visit. Lily had always thought this was quite a nice thing for the school to allow. Lily patrolled alone, as she often did on nights when Remus was gone. She had assured the Head Students last year that she didn’t mind and it had become something of a tradition.

Lily wandered the hallways shortly after curfew that night, shooing people back to their dorms. This job was always a little harder at the beginning of the year. Part of this was accounted for by the high spirits of students back from there holidays, but a larger part of it was first years who were absolutely unable to navigate the castle without help.

Lily had just finished explaining to a group of Ravenclaw first years where their common room was when she heard rapid footsteps behind her. Lily turned around and was dismayed to see Severus Snape round the corner. He looked down the hall and his eyes locked with hers. A triumphant smile spread across his face.

“It’s after curfew,” Lily snapped, “Get back to your dorm.”

“I was hoping I would run into you,” Snape replied sharply. Lily hadn’t seem him this happy to see her since before he called her a Mudblood.

“Get back to your dorm or I’ll give you a detention,” Lily replied, drawing herself up to her full height.

“Patrolling alone tonight?” Snape said it casually, but there was so much malice behind his voice that it sounded sort of like a threat. Lily suddenly wished that she had Remus with her. Snape seemed oblivious to her sudden discomfort and step closer to her. “Do you know why that is, Lily?”

The question was so unexpected it shook Lily out of her shock while her brain scrambled to catch up. “Cause Lupin is home with his mum.” A frightening thought seized her suddenly. “Did you do something to him?”

“Not yet,” Snape said sharply. “But I have plans for it.”

“Plans for what?” Lily found herself oddly transfixed by his words. They felt so different and yet so familiar. She was seeing Snape as he had been for years, and she was completely shocked by what she saw.

“The beast,” Snape said the word with an odd, nearly sexual shiver or anticipation. “I know just what to do with it.”

Lily was looking at Snape’s bright excited eyes. She remembered when that look had filled her with excitement in turn. Now her hand inched toward her wand in the pocket of her robes. The rough grain of the wood was reassuring in her fingers. “What the hell are you talking about, Snape?”

“He’s gone once every month, isn’t he?” Snape asked, “Once a month like clockwork.”

“More or less,” Lily replied cagily.

“And you haven’t noticed?” Snape asked, his voice dripping with condescension. “You haven’t figured it out yet.” Snape was triumphant now. He almost sounded like he was going to start laughing.

Lily drew her wand deliberately and Snape’s eyes flicked to it as he stilled. “You need to go back to your common room,” Lily said keeping her voice as steady as she could. Snape smiled and turned to walk away. Lily watched his retreating back. As he neared the turn around which he had come, he stopped. Lily tensed as he turned to face her.

“He’s not going home, Lily. He’s a werewolf,” Snape said loudly. “They have him hidden somewhere, and I’m going to find him.”

Lily froze for a moment, her mind spinning away from her. Remus, a werewolf? Was it possible? Lily’s eyes snapped back up to Snape, who still stood there grinning. She pushed her thoughts down. They could wait for later. “Go to bed, Snape.”

He didn’t seem to hear her. He was staring hungrily at her face, his smile growing. “I’m going to find him. Him and the rest of them. They’re out of bed tonight. I’ll catch them.”

“That’s not your job,” Lily snapped.

Snape smiled. “I’ll get them expelled. Potter, Black and Pettigrew. No need with Lupin though. We know what to do with a beast if it threatens a wizard.”

Lily’s eyes grew wide. “Goodnight, Lily.” Snape turned and walked away. “Think about the kind of people it is best to be associated with.”

Lily barely registered his leaving. Her mind was on fire. There was too much to think about here. Her feet carried her on autopilot back to the Gryffindor common room. As she entered, she glanced around automatically. The Marauders, so often a noisy fixture of the room, were nowhere to be seen. Lily felt a pang in her gut.

Lily climbed slowly to her room and threw herself into bed. Despite feeling tired to her bones, she was unable to sleep. Thoughts whirled through her mind. The absence of the Marauders flashed in her mind. It wasn’t unusual. It could be nothing. It also might not be.

Her mind leapt to Snape. The bare ugliness of what he said had shocked her. The cruelty of what he implied had scared her. She tried to shake off the image of his leer. He looked so happy to tell her what he thought Remus was.

“He’s a werewolf,” Snape repeated in her mind. Could it be? Lily supposed that it was not completely impossible. She strained to remember what they had learned in Defense against the Dark Arts. Most of the lesson was devoted to spotting werewolves in their lupine form and to how to kill them. Lily’s stomach turned at that remembering Snape’s words. She pictured Remus dead on the ground and her throat closed up. They couldn’t. It didn’t matter if he was. It didn’t make an inch of difference.

 All the evidence she had was that he was gone once a month. That wasn’t much. Maybe it was a moot point anyway. Lily let out a sigh. She had absolutely no reason to believe Snape at this point. Maybe he was just trying to drive her away from her friends. That sounded about right.

Lily let out a deep breath and tried to still her mind. She heard her roommates come in one by one. They settled quietly into their beds and their breathing stilled. Lily listened as the night grew quieter and quieter. She finally drifted off hours after she had come to bed. As she fell asleep, a final disturbing thought drifted through her mind. She had been so caught up in Snape’s words she had barely watched as he left, but as she fell asleep the image of him turning the corner drifted into her mind quite clearly and Lily suddenly realized; he hadn’t gone back toward the Slytherin common room.


	4. Truth Will Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor TW: For coming out related drama

The next day, Lily went down to breakfast apprehensively. She entered the Great Hall fairly late, having had trouble dragging herself from bed after her largely sleepless night. As she walked up the Gryffindor table, her eyes scanned the hall. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for. Her eyes lighted on Snape, who was sitting at the Slytherin table, looking tired and annoyed. Lily felt the tension unclench in her chest at this. Snape looking unhappy was almost certainly a good sign.

Lily found Marlene and Mary, who were eating quietly today. Marlene appeared to be lost in thought and Mary seemed content to let the silence go. Lily was fairly glad of that, given how tired she was. As she sat down she spotted James, Sirius and Peter tucked away at the far end of the table. They were quiet and subdued and seemed to be keeping as far from the center of attention as possible, unusual behavior for the three boys. Remus wasn’t there. Lily gently reminded herself that this was because he was on a visit to his sick mother, and not for any other reason.

As Lily tucked into her food, she was vaguely aware of the boys standing up at the end of the table to leave the Hall. Many people were heading out, as class time was fast approaching. Lily tried to force herself to eat faster.

On the way out of the Hall, the group past right behind Lily and she overheard a tiny snippet of their conversation. “… even know why he was out of bed,” Potter muttered, looking extremely serious.

“Do you think he saw where Remus…” Black replied before moving out of earshot.

Lily twisted around toward their retreating backs. Peter was saying something now, but they were talking close and quiet, and much too far away to be heard. Lily glanced at the Slytherin table. Snape was watching them go with a hungry expression. As they left the Hall, he glanced over at Lily and they made brief eye contact. He smiled at her, like he had just won a point, and she quickly glanced away. She had been getting so good at avoiding thinking of Snape. She hated that what he had said about Remus had put him back in her head.

She turned back to the others. Marlene was still off in another world staring at the enchanted celling but Mary was looking at Lily a bit oddly. Lily shook her head and attempted to reapply herself to her food. Thankfully, Mary let it go.

Lily kept replaying the conversation she had overheard in her head. If Snape was out of bed last night and could have seen Remus, that meant that Remus had to be in the castle, which meant that he was lying about going home. Lily told herself that Black and the others could have been talking about a different night, but that felt unlikely to her. Snape had been out of bed the night before and the Marauders had not been in the common room.

Lily barely paid attention in her classes that day. As lunch approached, she made a decision. If there was a possibility Snape’s theory was right, then he was a threat to Remus. It was possible he was even a threat if he was wrong. She wouldn’t put it past Snape to do something to Remus before realizing he wasn’t a werewolf either. There was only one thing for it. Lily had to warn the Marauders.

She spent the better part of the afternoon turning this over in her head. It was simple enough, really, she just had to do it. If she got them in a group, it would be harder to get them to listen. She needed to make them take the threat Snape posed seriously. As much as they disliked Snape, she wasn’t sure if they feared him like they should.

This meant getting one of them alone. She didn’t want it to be Remus. She worried he would feel ambushed long before she got her point across. It was hard to have a conversation that started with the phrase “I heard you might be a werewolf.” Lily wasn’t sure Peter would be listened to properly in the group. She had to make sure whoever she convinced of the problem would be able to convince the others. That left her one option. As Lily walked to dinner, she rolled her conclusion around in her head. She was going to have to talk to either Potter or Black.

Lily waited to talk to Potter or Black, telling herself that she was looking for the perfect moment, when in fact she may simple have been putting off the unpleasant task. In the meantime, Remus returned from his mother’s house. Lily asked him how it was; simply to be polite, she told herself. He answered easily and casually but also fairly vaguely. Maybe there wasn’t much to tell.

Lily continued to put off the conversation she knew she needed to have. About a week after the full moon, she saw Potter on his own coming out of a bathroom after Charms, and walked past him without saying anything. After that, Lily was forced to admit that she was avoiding it. What followed was a few weeks spent watching Remus closely and wondering if it could be true. She eventually stopped because he had begun looking at her strangely. Maybe she wasn’t as subtle as she thought she was.

As the month came to a close, Lily started to grow worried again. If Snape was right then Remus’ next transformation was coming soon. She needed to take action. After some consideration, Lily had an idea. At the beginning of October, a few hours before she had a patrol with Remus, Lily dug into her trunk pushing all the way to the bottom. Among the random detritus that settled to the bottom of the trunk, were the textbooks for the classes Lily was no longer taking. Within the mess, she found her old Astronomy book. Flipping to the back she found that, just as she had remembered, the moon phase chart went up to 1980. Flipping to the entry on 1976, she found that the full moon was coming on October 7th.

That night, Lily kept a close eye on Remus as they patrolled. With the full moon only days away, she wondered if there would be some visible change. He looked drawn, but then Remus often looked like that. After they exchanged pleasantries and fell into their routine patrol, Lily brought up the new schedule. Once again, they had been given an unfair number of weekend night patrols and Lily once again insisted that it was there Slytherin Head Boy’s fault. Remus didn’t agree and they had a spirited debate on the subject of whether or not Remus was too naïve for his own good. At a break in the debate, Lily saw her opportunity.

“Speaking of schedules, do you know if you’re visiting your mom soon?” Lily asked trying to sound casual.

Remus looked at her oddly. “Visiting my mom?’

“Yeah in case I need to cover your patrols again? You go every month don’t you?”

Remus looked suddenly guilty and Lily knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. “You really don’t have to do that for me, you know.”

“That’s not what I mean at all, Remus. I’m happy to help you out,” Lily said quickly. “I just figured if you had already made plans for this month, I could get a bit of a heads up.”

Remus’ face broke. “Well, in that case, mark next Thursday on your calendar,” he said with an easy smile. “Though, I don’t think we have patrols Thursday or Friday, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Lily struggled to keep her face straight. Thursday was the 7th, the next full moon. If this was coincidence, then it was a pretty big one. “Well, that works out nicely then,” Lily said in a voice that sounded surprisingly normal to her.

“And Lily? Thanks. Really,” Remus said. Lily glanced up and he looked wonderfully earnest. Lily felt a stab of guilt. Despite the fact that she wasn’t actively lying to him, this felt a little too much like the same thing to her. Lily silently reminded herself that why she was doing this.

“You’re welcome, Remus.”

The next day, Lily awoke filled with resolve. This still didn’t prove anything but it was enough to renew all of Lily’s worries. The full moon was only a few days away. Snape seemed to be watching the Marauders again, and especially Remus, with renewed interest and an unnerving expression.

Lily saw his gaze in the Great Hall the next day and felt her stomach clench. Unbidden, the image of Remus lying dead rose in her mind again. She looked back down at her plate and forced herself to take another bite. She would talk to either Potter or Black tonight. She would make an opportunity if she had too.

That turned out to be quite unnecessary. Once Lily had decided to really follow through on her plan, an opportunity presented itself very quickly. That evening, Lily was sitting in the common room near the portrait hole. She had planted herself there because the Marauders weren’t in the common room and she was hoping to catch them on their way in.

Her vigil was rewarded fairly quickly when Remus, Potter and Pettigrew came climbing through the hole. Potter predictably shot a “Hi Evans,” her way. She nodded slightly and then greeted Remus and Peter more warmly.

“Where’s the other one?” she asked Remus, trying to sound casual. She hoped that no one would pick up on the oddness of her asking after Black, after cold shouldering him since last June. Based on the looks she was getting from the boys at the moment it was a foolish hope. James responded first.

“If you’re looking for a quick snog, I can promise you I’m a better option,” he said with a salacious grin.

“What, do you guys have some kind of evaluation system or something?” she shot back. His face lit up in a grin and Lily immediately regretted it. She had made it so long without engaging him, only to slip up here.

“Well, maybe you could help us conduct an experiment,” he wiggled his eyebrows and Lily almost laughed. A quick comeback was on her lips when she reigned herself in.

“No,” she said, simply keeping her voice as neutral as possible, and then turning back to Remus, “I’m about to head to the library and I wanted to know if Black was waiting somewhere with a surprise for the first idiot to walk by.”

Remus seemed to buy this. “Nothing like that tonight,” he allowed mildly. “Padfoot had detention. He should be back shortly.”

Lily got up and picked up her things, brushing past the other two. Peter was saying something to Remus about revealing privileged information. James watched her as she went by, looking a little hurt. Lily ignored this and walked out of the portrait hole, contemplating her next move. She positioned herself in an empty classroom near the Fat Lady portrait and settled in to wait.

It was almost an hour and several false alarms later when Lily again heard footsteps echoing down the hall. Pushing herself up, she peered through the doorway and saw Sirius Black coming down the hall. Taking a deep breath, Lily stepped out from the doorway.

“We need to talk, Black.”

He pulled up short, looking shocked for a moment, and then seemed to regain himself. “You want to talk to me now, do you?” he snapped. The hurt in his voice caught Lily off guard. “You drop me like I’m shit and now you want to talk to me?”

“Not particularly, no,” Lily said quietly. “Maybe it’s better to say we _need_ to talk.”

“Fuck off,” Black snapped. He surged forward and for a moment Lily thought he was coming at her, but instead he pushed past her. She spun around toward his retreating back. This wasn’t going how she hoped.

“It’s about Remus!”

“So talk to Remus. Or have you stopped speaking to him, as well?”

“It’s about next Thursday!” Lily yelled at his retreating back. He took two more steps and then stopped suddenly. He stood frozen in the hallway for a long moment and then spun on his heel and marched toward her, stopping uncomfortably close, his breath hot on her face.

Lily realized that his earlier anger had been a tantrum; loud and flashy and intending to broadcast his displeasure to her as obviously as possible. He had been angry for the sake of being angry. Now he was cold, almost calm but a collected rage burned behind his eyes. Lily was suddenly struck that she was glad Remus had people who would keep his secret like this.

Suddenly, his demeanor changed to an odd false cheer. “What’s next Thursday, Evans?”

“It’s the next time Remus goes home to visit his mum,” Lily replied. For a moment Sirius’ face clouded with confusion and panic and he stepped back.

“Right,” he was clearly scrambling a bit, worried he’d revealed too much. “Well, then why aren’t you talking to Remus?”

“It’s also the full moon.”

Blacks face clouded again, but he fought to keep it straight. “And?”

“Snape has this theory…” Lily began, but Black cut her off.

“Oh James and I are still on your shit list, but you’re talking to him again?” he snapped.

“Not by choice,” Lily sighed, “just shut up and listen.” And to her surprise he did listen. He listened as she described finding Snape when she was patrolling alone. He listened as she recounted their odd conversation and Snape’s mounting threats. “And I sent him off but I don’t think he went back to the common room after,” she finished.

Panic was now playing open and uncontrolled on Sirius’ face. Lily looked at him and realized that in that moment she didn’t need to ask. His reaction alone confirmed it; Remus Lupin was a werewolf. After a pause Black snapped, “And you just let him go? Some Prefect you are. Aren’t you supposed to enforce the rules? He was out after hours!”

Lily almost laughed at this, and would have done if it wasn’t such a serious situation. She had never thought she would hear Black expounding on the virtues of the rules like this. “You of all people must know how easy it is to flaunt Prefects. Plus I was so shocked about Remus…” Lily trailed off, unsure how to express the miasma of feelings in that moment.

At her words, Black seemed to refocus on her. “What will it take?”

“What?” Lily blinked at him, genuinely lost by the non-sequitur.

“For your silence,” Black replied. “What’s the cost?”

Lily blinked at him stupidly for a moment. “Jesus, Black, I’m not going to tell anyone. What do you think of me?”

“Then what do you want?”

“You to do something!” Lily snapped, exasperated now. “Remus is my friend too, but I don’t know how to proceed here. You need to get your lot on this and get it handled.”

Sirius wasn’t looking at her, but he was shaking his head. “No. I can’t take this to them.”

“What do you mean, no?” Lily felt panic rising in her. This was supposed to be her solution.

“You want to tell Remus one of his classmates is trying to kill him?” Sirius bellowed at her, suddenly sharp. “I imagine that would be a pleasant conversation!”

“Oh, and you can’t handle it?”

“Remus couldn’t handle that! Imagine what that would do to him.”

This gave Lily pause. It made sense but as Lily rolled it in her mind an unpleasant thought occurred to her. “Sirius, I think we’re past that. You need to tell the others.”

“I can deal with it.” He turned and began walking back toward the portrait hole. Lily hurried after him.

“Why can’t you just not tell Remus?” she tries.

“James would tell him and Peter wouldn’t be able to fool him.” He was approaching the portrait hole now.

“If you go in there, I’ll just tell them myself!” Lily snapped. She wasn’t sure if she actually would, but she wasn’t done with him yet. She wasn’t sure she could count on him to handle it alone.

Black turned and stared at her. She didn’t let his gaze go and after a moment he blinked and looked away.

“Fine,” he walked past her, away from the portrait hole.

“Why would James tell Remus if it would mess him up so much?” Lily asked, hurrying after him.

Black rolled his eyes. “He would say that he had a right to know. No sense in that.” Lily nodded. That did sound like James.

“Okay, if you want to deal with it yourself, do you have a plan?”

Black looked thoughtful. “Well, we have to throw Snape off for now. Maybe send him on a wild hippogriff chase, you know? And then figure something else out for later.”

“Not quite iron clad,” Lily muttered.

“Well, I can work on it,” Black snapped. They had come to a blank stretch of wall. Black nodded at it and said, “In here.” He placed his hand on it and pushed. The wall swung inward to reveal a secret passage Lily had never seen before. Sirius stepped through and Lily made to follow, but almost ran into Sirius who had stopped in his tracks.

Lily pulled up suddenly and opened her mouth to make an angry comment at Black when her eyes fell on what was in the hallway. About ten feet from them were Marlene and Dorcas, wrapped passionately around each other and snogging furiously.

At the sight, Lily felt a small squeak escape her mouth. In the silent hallway, the sound was magnified and Marlene and Dorcas snapped suddenly apart, glancing up at them. Immediately, panic flooded Marlene’s features and she glanced around, as if hoping to spy an exit she could duck out of. Dorcas just looked down at her hands.

There was a beat of deafening silence and then Sirius let out an odd hoarse squawk that Lily thought might be some kind of laugh. The sound seemed to make all four of them jump. “So you’re gay then, McKinnon?” Sirius said sharply.

Marlene looked up at this, her eyes wide. She tried to force her usual smile but it didn’t quite stick. “Sorry to disappoint, Black.”

Lily heard the fragile false bravado in Marlene’s voice and suddenly felt sorry for her. She looked so alone and Lily hated to see a friend like that. “Well, I still love you, Marlene,” she said fiercely and then her words caught up with her brain. “I mean, shit, not like that. I mean not that it’s bad to...” Lily trailed off and felt her face going red. “I just, you’re my friend and I think it’s great if you want to…” she pointed at Dorcas in a vague sort of way. At that moment, Sirius Black started laughing.

Lily looked at him in disbelief but he was staring straight back at her. He waved his arm in what she thought was a vague imitation of Lily’s motion to Dorcas. It seemed to be growing hard for Black to breathe through his hysteric mirth.

“Marls, I’m going to…” said Dorcas quietly. Lily glanced back down the hall toward the other girl. She was bright red and backing toward the other end of the hallway.

“No, Dor,” said Marlene softly but Dorcas was already turning and hurrying out of the hallway.

Marlene turned back around, looking very alone in the middle of the empty passage. Sirius had stopped laughing and she glanced up at the two of them. After a beat, she began walking forward slowly as if expecting them to turn and run. Lily tried to hitch up a supportive smile.

“In your ramblings somewhere I think you said this was okay?” Marlene said softly to Lily.

“Oh, yeah,” said Lily, caught off guard by the question.

“You’re not mad?” Lily was not sure she had ever seen Marlene look this vulnerable.

“Why would I be mad?” said Lily quickly. “I’m your friend. I love you. Or I mean…”

“Stop being weird about this, Evans,” said Black unhelpfully.

“I’m… I’m trying not to be!” Lily wailed. “I just… don’t worry about me. It’s cool.”

“It’s cool?” Black said. “That is not a phrase I ever thought I’d hear out of your mouth.”

Lily ignored him and looked at Marlene. The other girl was gazing at her with a nervous, hopeful expression and Lily did the only thing she could think to do. She surged forward and enveloped Marlene in a hug. The other girl began to start back as if expecting to be hit, but as Lily wrapped around her, she felt Marlene relax and a moment later, she was hugging Lily back fiercely.

After a moment, Marlene pulled away and peered at Lily. “Okay,” she said quietly, “I’m going to go to bed. See you up there in a little while?”

Lily noticed the time constraint in the statement and nodded. “Yeah I’ll come up in a bit. I’m just going to finish…” she gestured vaguely.

Marlene smiled warmly. “Thanks.”

“I’ll walk you back,” said Sirius suddenly.

Marlene seemed to consider this a moment. “Okay.”

Lily was about to tell Sirius that they weren’t done talking, but she realized that she couldn’t say that without calling Marlene’s attention to the fact that she was walking the halls with Sirius Black right before curfew for mysterious purposes. That behavior would require an explanations she couldn’t give. So Lily watched as the two of them walked up the hallway together. Letting out a slow breath, she tried to collect her thoughts.

About twenty minutes later, Lily passed through the common room. The Marauders seemed to be talking closely in a corner. Lily briefly wondered if they were talking about Marlene. She ignored them and turned to hurry up to the dorm.

Marlene and Mary were sitting close together when Lily came in. As she entered, Mary stepped slightly away.

“I told her,” Marlene said to Lily.

“Oh,” Lily glanced at Mary, whose face gave nothing away. “Okay.”

“I didn’t want to put you in a position of lying to her,” Marlene added.

“Oh, you didn’t need to do that,” Lily said quickly.

“I wanted to. I told Sirius he could tell the boys too,” said Marlene resolutely. “It’s all out now. Well, out to your lot anyway.” She shrugged, not quite looking at Lily.

Lily nodded, unsure what to say to this. She wanted to show support but wasn’t quite sure how to proceed. “So Dorcas, huh?” she tried.

Marlene nodded. “Yeah.”

Lily peered at her, once again unsure how to proceed. She decided some teasing was in order. “She’s in Ravenclaw. I never figured you’d go for the brainy type.”

Marlene grinned. “I have a lot of layers, okay Evans?”

“You have exactly one layer and we all know it, Marls,” Lily replied, “You’re just sarcasm all the way down.”

“Oh, sod off,” Marlene muttered. “She’s picking on me, Mary!”

The other girl was standing off to the side, watching the interaction with the bemused expression she usually wore for their make-up insult sessions. “Hey Lily,” she called. “Did you really tell Marls you loved her and then freak out?”

Lily went red again. “Shut up, Mary.”

Marlene laughed. “Apparently I’m terribly obvious and Mary figured it out weeks ago.”

Lily sighed. “Well, of course she did.”

Marlene seemed to be watching her closely and Lily smiled in her direction. Marlene smiled back and then glanced away. “So bed,” she said quickly, turning toward her trunk.

“Right,” said Lily, turning away to her trunk as well. Later, Lily laid awake, thinking about her reaction. She didn’t think any differently of Marlene now, did she? Of course not. She had definitely reacted weirdly though.

Staring at the canopy of her bed, Lily had to admit that she had made Marlene uncomfortable. That much was clear. The interaction before bed had been a bit stilted and weird too. Lily would have to figure out what she could do about that.

The next morning Lily went down to breakfast with Mary and Marlene. She kept up a constant stream of conversation and acted as normal as possible. As they settled at the table, Marlene ended up facing the Ravenclaw table. She began glancing around at the people sitting at the table.

“Do you know where you guys left it last night?” Lily asked cautiously.

Marlene glanced at her for a second. “You know as much as I do,” she said, “She didn’t exactly say much when she walked away.”

“I’m really sorry if I screwed anything…” Lily began but Mary flapped her arms in front of them. She was motioning toward the Entrance Hall and they glanced over. Dorcas had just entered and her eyes were on them. She made eye contact and her cheeks started to flush.

After a moment, Marlene tilted her head and motioned to the bench next to her. Lily helpfully scooted over to create a space and tried to look as welcoming as possible. After a moment, Dorcas moved over their way and sat down between Lily and Marlene. For a moment, Dorcas and Marlene talked, their heads close together, and then Dorcas sat back apparently satisfied.

Dorcas glanced over at Lily, and Lily fought down the urge to apologize again. The more she thought back to how awkward she had been, the worse she felt. “Morning Dorcas,” she offered.

“Hey Lily,” Dorcas replied with a smile.

Suddenly, there was a loud clatter and several voices as the Marauders slide into the bench around them. Remus on Lily’s left, Black across from her between Peter and Potter. Dorcas glanced up at them slightly wary again, and in her periphery Lily saw Marlene take her hand under the table.

“So Dorcas,” said Potter, leaning in conspiratorially. “It has been brought to our attention that you have been carrying on with our girl Marlene here.” Marlene was giving James a warning glare which he completely ignored. “We are very pleased for you, as Marlene is an excellent young lady, but it is our duty to make sure your intentions are pure. You understand, of course.”

Marlene let out an exasperated sigh but Lily could tell she was trying not to grin. Mary was giggling openly.

“Sirius is particularly protective of Marlene of course, them being distantly related and him having so few decent family members,” Potter added.

“It would break my poor heart if she came to a bad end,” said Black, for some reason clutching a lacy handkerchief from somewhere.

“Did you bring props for this?” Lily asked but she was ignored.

“So you understand,” Potter said, leaning back now, “that we need to know: are your intentions in any way lascivious?”

“I would never attempt anything untoward,” Dorcas said in an extremely upright voice. Lily glanced over at her, a little impressed; rolling with the Marauders’ nonsense was often an acquired skill. Of course, if Dorcas could handle Marlene’s sarcasm, what was a little extra teasing?

“I’m just not ready to be an uncle yet,” Sirius said in a longsuffering voice.

“Well, we haven’t discussed adoption at present,” Dorcas replied calmly.

James waved his hand. “Unplanned surprises often mar young relationships.”

“Potter, are you implying I would accidentally adopt a baby?” Marlene snapped.

“Well, I ended up with this lot,” said Remus, unexpectedly from Lily’s other side. “Still don’t know how that happened.”

Peter leaned in as well, “Is it true that with gay sex you can get double pregnant?”

Marlene managed to upend a drink but Dorcas kept quite calm. Potter waved a hand dismissively in Peter’s direction. “The short answer is yes, but we’ll discuss it later.” He turned back to Dorcas and then turned back to the other Marauders. A moment of non-verbal communication commenced and then he turned back to the girls. “We’ve decided we approve, Marls.”

“Oh good,” Marlene said in her most sarcastic voice possible, but she didn’t seem to be able to keep the smile off her face now.

James turned to Dorcas, “You do her wrong and you won’t be able to move for frog spawn for a month. Welcome to Gryffindor.” He extended his hand.

“I’m thrilled, I’m sure,” said Dorcas, taking his hand. There was not a trace of sarcasm in her voice which somehow made it feel more insulting. “You guys do seem much more sensible than the Ravenclaws.” She shook James’ hand very solemnly.

As they parted, Sirius leaned over to shake her hand as well, and then the boys turned to each other and shook as Peter leaned in to shake Dorcas’ hand. James went for Marlene next, and the boys commenced to shake hands with everyone within easy reach. Even Remus leaned over and solemnly clasped Dorcas’s hand. While Peter and James where off shaking hands with people at the neighboring Ravenclaw table and Sirius was bothering Mary, Lily saw Marlene surreptitiously shake Dorcas hand under the table, Marlene’s thumb playing gently over Dorcas’ knuckles.

Lily watched the whole scene unfold with a small smile playing over her lips. She was really quite glad that she had the housemates she did. She found herself staring at the side of James’ face as he pompously shook hands with a giggling first year. He really could be quite sweet at times, especially with the younger kids.

The boys moved away and settled to sit somewhere else. Dorcas immediately leaned over to Marlene, “Did I do okay?”

“Oh, they loved you,” Marlene said.

“If they’re not trying to make you as uncomfortable as possible, then you’re not really part of the group,” Lily supplied. “I got to say though, I’m impressed that you held up so well. They can be… an acquired taste.”

Dorcas shrugged. “Well you know, it’s kind of all out there now. What have I got to lose?”

“Well, good on you two,” Mary added from the other side. Dorcas and Marlene both looked quite pleased at this and their good mood infected everyone for the next few days.

The Marauders seemed to be working overtime to make Dorcas feel welcome which, while quite sweet, meant that Lily was seeing more of them over the next few days. This was a mixed experience for Lily; it was quite fun but she was very nervous of being pulled back in by Potter and Black’s collective charm.

Black and Marlene in particular seemed to suddenly be bosom buddies. Lily was mystified by this change and wondered a few times what they had talked about on their walk back to Gryffindor tower without Lily. When Lily asked about it, Marlene just insisted that they had always been friends and that Sirius was being very supportive.

On Wednesday, the day before the full moon, Lily was disconcerted to find herself sitting with Mary and the Marauders. She had been doing homework with Mary and the boys had joined them and started chatting animatedly. Lily didn’t think much of this until she realized that Marlene and Dorcas were not present. It seemed that the social barriers that had been broken when they drew together in support around Marlene where gone now, Marlene or no.

Lily considered getting up and leaving but found that she really didn’t want to. She didn’t want to isolate herself and besides she was just sitting with her housemates and studying. Nothing unusual about that. It didn’t make them friends. Lily sighed and tried to concentrate on her work; she really did need to get things done.

About a half an hour later, Lily’s concentration was broken by Mary exclaiming “what in the world happened to you two?” next to her. Lily glanced up to see Marlene and Dorcas, soaking wet and caked in mud, dripping on the common room carpet. Lily set to work on a drying charm, as did Remus beside her.

“We got caught in all that, what do you think?” Marlene asked testily, indicating the window. Glancing up, Lily because aware for the first time that there was now a rapid patter of rain hitting the window pane, the oncoming fall making itself felt.

“Oh, what were you doing out in it?” Sirius teased, wiggling his eyebrows at them as Remus and Lily finished with their charms. The two girls sat and Marlene poked Dorcas experimentally.

“You’re still a little damp, babe.”

“Sorry,” said Remus from across the room, drawing his wand again to get what he had missed the first time.

“Should we call you Dorcas Fen instead, then?” James asked. Lily glanced up and suppressed a smile at the joke but otherwise the comment was greeted with a number of blank stares. After a moment, Remus sighed.

“A fen is a kind of marshy grassland,” he supplied, “it’s a meadow. But damp.”

“That was awful, James,” said Sirius. Even Peter looked unimpressed. “Jokes like that it’s no wonder Evans isn’t talking to you.”

“I don’t know,” Peter said with a sly glance in Lily’s direction. “She was the only person who looked like she was trying not to laugh.”

“I was not,” said Lily, who had been.

“Really? Because you look a little red right now,” supplied Mary. Lily threw her a dirty look and she had the gall to shrug innocently back at her.  Lily let out a huff and turned back to her work, but not before Lily caught James’ grin. Great.

The group stayed together with minimal talk after that. James eventually went to the bathroom with Remus, which Lily thought was odd behavior until they returned and James took Remus’ seat beside Lily. She quietly tolerated his presence, and he didn’t do anything but work silently next to her.

As the group slowly broke up Lily managed to pull Sirius aside. “You all set for tomorrow?”

“It’s handled Evans,” he responded somewhat tersely. Lily nodded, resigning herself to the fact that that was all she was going to get. He disappeared up to the boys’ dorms and Lily watched him go for a moment before glancing back at Remus, who was still hunched over a book at their mostly deserted table. Lily turned away and hurried to bed, resigning herself to uncertainty and worry.

The next day, Lily was hardly able to concentrate. Remus was looking very pale and the Marauders all seemed to be going out of their way to be nice to him. Now that Lily was looking for it, it was incredibly obvious that something was going on. Lily was a little mystified that she had never noticed it before. Just after dinner, Remus disappeared with Professor McGonagall, ostensibly to Floo home.

The Gryffindors returned to their common room, and the remaining boys made a great show of being tired and headed to bed very early. Lily had to refrain from rolling her eyes at their exaggerated yawns. She wondered if the fact that they had all three left meant Sirius had roped them into whatever he was planning after all.

The common room was oddly quiet as it often was on the rare occasions when the Marauders elected to go to bed early. Lily was not getting any work done, and as the moon rose over the horizon out the common room window, her body tensed in sympathetic anguish as she thought of Remus. She remembered hearing about how painful the transformation was in Defense Against the Darks Arts class. She wondered if Remus had already been bitten at that point and if so, how the clinical description of the pain of bones breaking and reforming had felt to him, listening there.

The girls also both decided on early nights, so a few hours after dark when James came hurrying down the stairs, looking panicked, Lily was alone. She looked up at him as he glanced around the common room. They made eye contact and he came hurrying over.

“Have you seen Sirius?” he asked sharply.

“No, isn’t he up there with you?”

“Not anymore, and he took my cloak,” James said. Lily looked at him oddly; James very rarely wore a cloak. “Has the portrait hole opened on its own?” he asked.

“What?” Lily asked, bemused by the odd question. James didn’t seem to realize he had said anything out of the ordinary. “I don’t think so.”

“Yeah, he knows better than that,” James replied, as if that made any sense.

“Can’t you lot always find each other. I always figured it was like a homing beacon or something,” Lily replied, trying to break the odd mood to keep herself from panicking.

“Oh, of course,” said James, his face breaking, and he turned and ran back upstairs. Lily stared after his retreating form, trying to piece together the odd conversation. She only sat there a few minutes before he returned running back down the stairs, clutching a piece of parchment in his hand. He sped past Lily and out the portrait hole. Lily watched him go for a mystified second and then leapt up to follow him out. Glancing around the hallway outside, he had already disappeared somehow, and Lily realized she had no idea where Remus stayed while he was transformed. Her first thought was the hospital wing but that seemed unsafe and fairly hard to keep secret.

Lily stood staring in the empty hallway outside of Gryffindor tower for a few minutes as if a sign would appear to point her way. Nothing happened. The hallway remained dim and empty, illuminated only by the jagged shafts of bright moonlight cutting through the windows.

Eventually, Lily turned and went inside, positioning herself in a chair facing the portrait hole. She wasn’t sure if she slept or not that night but as far as she knew, the portrait hole remained closed until the soft sunlight drifted through the windows of the room. Neither James nor Sirius nor Remus seemed to have returned.


	5. The Aftermath

The next day, Lily moved blearily through her classes. The only thought keeping her on her feet was that tomorrow was the weekend. None of the boys returned that morning. Usually Remus would be gone until dinner after one of his “trips home”, but there was no word as to the whereabouts of the other boys either. Lily also noticed, with a sick feeling in her stomach, that Snape did not seem to be at breakfast.

As the day went on, rumors started to spread. Potter and Black were fairly well known around the school - either popular or infamous depending on who you asked - and their strange absence drew speculation. Lily heard a second year telling his friends that Potter and Black had tried to turn Dumbledore’s beard green and had been transformed into huge pumpkins to be used at the Halloween feast in a few weeks.

Among the older students, the rumors had a darker undercurrent. The general consensus was that if the boys had been caught at something, word would have gotten around and the silence was a sign of something darker. While the war couldn’t touch them at Hogwarts, it was speculated that maybe Potter and Black had snuck, or been lured, out of the castle. There were whispers of the anger of Black’s pureblood family at his status as a Gryffindor and his opposition to Slytherin, and discussions of Potter’s parents and the many enemies they made as Aurors and outspoken critics of the Dark Arts. People in quiet conversation would say things like “with everything going on, you know…” and fall silent. A few times Lily was sure she heard the phrase “got what they deserved” coming from some of the older purebloods, but it was hard to say for sure. People still kept those sorts of opinions quiet around the school.

Lily wasn’t sure if having more knowledge than everyone else was better or worse. It certainly added another dimension to her fearful speculation. A few times, people brought up Remus’ absence and wondered if he too was involved. Whenever Lily heard this, she was quick to remind people that Remus was visiting his mother.

Lily also spent a fair amount of the day feeling sorry for Peter. He was being relentlessly hounded by gossip-mongers looking for information. In addition, a few Slytherins with whom the Marauders did not get along had taken to making snide comments and vague threats in Peter’s direction. He seemed to spend most of his time, when not in class, ducking down secret passages and generally trying to avoid everyone as much as possible. In class he sat alone, at the tables usually occupied by the four boys. None of the teachers commented on their absence which made Lily think that they must know something.

At lunch time, Snape appeared. He looked sullen as he entered the hall, and seemed to wave off attempts at conversation. Lily guessed this was probably a good sign. Even if Snape was initially silent, Lily expected that after his return information would quickly spread, but nothing of the sort seemed to happen. As far as Lily could tell, Snape seemed to be keeping his mouth shut entirely. This uncharacteristic behavior brought Lily’s nervousness to a new pitch.

In the evening, Lily climbed into the common room and was immediately confronted by Mary and Marlene. Sirius Black was back, and there was finally a rumor. Apparently, during dinner Sirius had climbed through the portrait hole, passed a couple of fourth years who were skipping the meal to study, and made his way up to his dorm. Nothing more had been seen of him since.

No one knew where the rumor originated from, but it seemed to be agreed that it had not come from a student. Some people said it came from a ghost, others said a painting had seen something in the dead of night. Peeves was always a suspect as well. There was no shortage of watchful eyes at Hogwarts. Whatever the source, the rumor seemed consistent no matter who you heard it from. Snape had tried to get into the Shrieking Shack and had been in mortal peril from whatever Spirits lived inside and James Potter, at great personal risk, had rushed in and saved his life.

Lily processed this information and was disturbed to see how well it fit what little information she already had. Remus could have been kept in the deserted house in Hogsmeade. If Snape had gotten round Sirius somehow then James would have had to act quickly. The thing it didn’t explain, however, was the continued absence of James and Remus.

Lily’s mind flew into overdrive. She imaged Remus killing James, the dire consequences that would follow for Remus after his transformation. She imagined James surviving but being changed. Lily only realized she had stood up when Mary asked her what was wrong.

“I have to...” Lily began before finding she didn’t have a satisfactory end to the sentence. Instead, sheturned and hurried out of the portrait hole. She glanced around in the empty hallway, realizing that she had nowhere to go. After a moments deliberation, she made a decision and hurried off at a run.

Lily only slowed as she approached the doors of the hospital wing. It seemed like a likely enough place to start looking. It was not yet after curfew but Lily suspected disturbing injured people after dinner might be frowned upon. Lily listened for a moment outside the lighted doorway. It seemed silent inside, but there was some quality in the air that told her it wasn’t empty.

She allowed a quick glance around the doorframe and saw that two of the beds in the room, down at the far end, where partitioned off from sight. The rest were empty and the room seemed otherwise deserted, through surely the matron was in her office just beyond the partitioned beds. Lily felt a little bad suddenly at the thought of disturbing her injured classmates, but she also felt a flare of hope. Two full beds could account for her two missing friends.

Lily quietly entered the room, moving as carefully as possible and trying to remind herself to go slow. It felt like it took forever to cross the long room to the first curtain. She stood outside for a moment, feeling guilty once again; was it really her place to peer into the ailments of sick students? In the end, her curiosity got the better of her.

Moving aside the curtain, Lily saw the sleeping face of James Potter. He looked drawn, but he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. His arm, lying across the bed, was in a sling but it didn’t look too bad at all. Lily felt an unexpected wave of relief wash over her. James was okay. She let out a deep breath. On closer inspection, James looked quite ruffled and unkempt but the thing Lily couldn’t get past was how peaceful he looked in sleep. She had never seem him look this calm.

Shaking her head like a dog with water in its ears, Lily moved on to the next bed. She was here about Remus after all. He was her friend, and of course she cared about James as well, but she was here to see him, really. She approached the curtain and peered quietly around it.

Lily had pictured a similar scene to the one in the last bed; Remus injured but resting peaceful and angelic. The one thing that Lily hadn’t thought of was that Remus might be awake; but here he was staring right back at Lily with a look somewhere between annoyance, confusion and panic.

“Lily, what… um… hey.”

Hi, Remus,” Lily quickly scrambled for something to say, “I wanted to make sure you were all right. You’re usually back by now.”

“Back from my mums,” said Remus quickly.

“Right. Yes,” Lily responded just as fast. She wasn’t sure how one started a conversation about having found out your friend is a werewolf, but she was pretty confident this was neither the time nor the place.

As it turned out, Lily didn’t need to start the conversation. “You know, don’t you,” Remus asked, sounding defeated.

Lily thought about denying it for a moment but simply nodded. There was a long pause as they stared at each other.

“We can probably get my Prefect duties assigned to someone else,” Remus said.

“Why?” Confusion flooded through Lily, followed closely by panic. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” said Remus bitterly. “I figured you would.”

“Everything seems fine,” said Lily quickly.

“That’s all they keep telling me,” Remus said bitterly, “but I would normally be discharged by now. I’m fine but they’re still keeping me here. Something happened.”

“Well, James is in the next bed,” said Lily. “His arm looks hurt but that’s it. Sirius is back and so is Snape.”

“Snape?” Remus glanced up at her. “What’s Snape got to do with anything?”

Lily felt her face color. “I’m not totally sure,” she said quickly.

“Tell me,” barked Remus sharply. “Tell me now.”

“Okay, okay,” Lily replied raising her hands placating. “Snape was trying to catch you, he told me last full moon. That’s how I know.”

“Catch me?” Remus asked, incredulous.

“I think he wanted to get you expelled,” Lily lied. “The others too somehow, though I’m not sure what for.”

Remus seemed to accept this fairly readily. After a moment he stilled. “Wait, he told you this last full moon?” Lily nodded quietly. “And what have you been doing in the meantime?” Remus snapped, with unusual anger for the normally calm boy.

“I told Sirius a few days ago,” Lily supplied. “He said he would handle it.”

Remus paused for a moment. “Why Sirius?”

“I didn’t know how to talk to you about it so it was Potter or Black,” she said, “and I caught Black alone first.” Remus nodded. “After that I don’t know anything,” Lily added, “except that Snape was missing all morning and Black just got back to the common room and went straight to bed.”

“You should have told me,” Remus said. He was less angry now which made it worse; he was starting to sound disappointed. Lily suddenly thought that maybe there was some sense behind James’ desire to tell the truth, regardless of the stress of it.

“You’re right,” Lily allowed.

“What about Peter?” Remus asked. Lily got the impression that he wasn’t forgiving her so much as he was desperate for new information.

“Fine. Dodging questions about the rest of you all day,” Lily replied. Remus nodded at this.

“Okay.” He slumped back into the pillow and the tension he had been carrying the whole conversation drained out of his shoulders. “Okay. Good.”

“I’m so sorry Remus.” The words seemed to tear out of Lily. “If something happened and I could have done more…”

“You’re sorry?” Remus interrupted sharply. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”

“For what?”

“I never told you,” he said bitterly. “You had to be around a monster every day and I never told you.”

“Why would you say that?” Lily asked, breathless.

“So that you don’t have to,” Remus replied, all the fight seeming to go out of him. “I’m sure they can get someone else to cover my Prefect duties so you don’t have to work with me anymore.”

“Remus, I don’t think you’re a monster,” said Lily softly.

“We both own a textbook that says differently,” he replied.

Lily stared at the pale boy for a moment. He somehow looked smaller than usual. With a shock, she realized that he looked scared. Lily did the only thing she could think of. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. For a moment he stiffened, but then he relaxed into the hug.

“Are we okay?” Lily asked.

“I guess,” he replied, “I mean as long as you are.”

“I’m okay.”

Lily pulled back to look at Remus, but he still looked unsure. “What?” she asked.

“Just like that?” He seemed incredulous. “A lifetime of hearing horror stories and you’re fine just like that?”

“I’m Muggle-born, remember?” Lily supplied softly. “It’s different for me.” Remus still looked incredulous so Lily continued. “I never thought any of it was real until I came here, and it’s different than it is in the stories. Werewolves are monsters, but so are goblins and they’re okay.”

“Goblins aren’t exactly popular,” said Lupin softly.

Lily shrugged. “Witches, then.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The wicked witch was all over the stories when I was a kid. Wizard got to be good though, the bastards.”

Remus laughed. “But you’re not wicked.”

“You don’t know that,” Lily said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Remus smirked at her. “I’m telling James you said that.”

“Why would he care?” Lily asked. Remus raised his eyebrows at her for a moment and then glanced away with a slight smile.

“Never mind.” He glanced back at her and Lily was about to ask again but Remus cut her off. “Why didn’t you go to a teacher when you knew Snape was coming after me?”

“An excellent question,” said Albus Dumbledore. Lily just about jumped out of her skin. The headmaster was standing right across Remus’ bed from her directly in her field of vision. He didn’t seem to appear there either. Lily got the feeling that he had been standing there for a good long while and somehow neither of them had noticed.

“Sir,” she said sharply.

At the same moment, Remus said, “Professor, what happened?”

Professor Dumbledore turned to Remus for a moment and said “Mr. Lupin, all will be answered in a moment. First, however, I must speak to Miss Evans outside and then she will return to Gryffindor tower so as to be back before curfew.” He glanced at Lily who nodded mutely, wondering how much the Headmaster had heard.

Dumbledore disappeared around the screen and Lily cast a quick glance at Remus before following. He stopped in the hallway just out of sight of the hospital room doors, and Lily came to a halt beside him. He peered at her over his spectacles with an intensely critical gaze.

“Please tell me what you know of this matter,” he said calmly but firmly.

“Snape was trying to find Remus while he was transformed. I told Black and he said he would deal with it.” She said it all in a rush.

There was a short pause. “Is that all?”

Lily thought it over for a minute. “I think Snape wanted to kill Remus.”

Something in Dumbledore’s gaze changed at this. “Did he tell you this?”

“He implied it heavily,” Lily replied, more confident now.

“That is disturbing news,” Dumbledore replied, a little too calm for Lily’s tastes.

 “You need to deal with him, Sir,” Lily snapped, sharper than she meant to.

“Thank you for sharing your opinion. I will take it under consideration,” Dumbledore replied and that seemed to be the end of the matter. “You understand that the utmost discretion must be practiced in the case of young Mr. Lupin’s affliction,” he added. Lily nodded mutely. “I was also hoping to hear an answer to Mr. Lupin’s question,” he added.

“Oh,” Lily paused for a moment. “I suppose I figured Remus could get in trouble.”

“A wise attitude when speaking to wizards about werewolves, unfortunately,” Dumbledore allowed sadly. “But in this case it must have occurred to you that Mr. Lupin could not have attended the school and received the allowances he receives without the knowledge of the staff.” Seeing the look on Lily’s face, Dumbledore spoke again. “Well, perhaps not. Nevertheless, you should bring any matter of great import to a professor.”

“Yes, sir,” Lily said quietly.

“You are rising quickly to the front of conversations about the headships next year,” Dumbledore added, “that position requires a great deal of collaboration with staff and professors.”

Lily’s eyes shot up. “Head Girl?” she asked.

“Perhaps, perhaps,” Dumbledore replied evasively and Lily felt herself grin. “But now you must return to the common room or you will miss curfew.”

“Sir,” said Lily tentatively, “I have a few questions for you as well.”

Dumbledore smiled at this. “And who wouldn’t in your position. Unfortunately Mr. Potter will be waking soon and he will have even more than you, I think. However,” he pulled a pocket watch from his robes and glanced at it. “I can spare you a few moments before we both must go.”

Lily nodded gratefully. “So James is okay?”

Dumbledore nodded again. “His arm should be healed by now. He is only asleep because he was so distraught after last night’s events that we felt it best to sedate him.”

“What happened last night?” Lily asked, a little breathlessly.

“That I cannot tell you,” said Dumbledore, “I do not fully know myself and much of what I do know is privileged information.”

Lily nodded, a little disappointed but not all together surprised. After a pause, Lily took a deep breath and voiced the question that was most on her mind. “Is Remus in trouble?”

Dumbledore shook his head. “He has done nothing wrong and no one had been seriously hurt. Additional precautions will need to be taken in the future of course, but the fault of any shortcomings in the system in place are mine. It was I who designed it, after all.”

“Has anyone told Remus that yet?” Lily asked.

Dumbledore looked troubled for a moment. “Perhaps not. I will let him know straight away.”

Lily nodded. “Thank you Professor.”

“Thank you, Miss Evans,” he replied, “Sometimes when there is work to be done, kindness must be weighed against expediency. But do those not directly affected by such a decision have a right to make it, I wonder?” He smiled lightly at her, seeming not to expect an answer. “To bed now, Miss Evans.”

“Yes, Professor,” she said and hurried away, her mind buzzing with what she had learned.

Lily slept well that night. She did not know the full story of what had happened, and the rumor that Potter had saved Snape raised many questions for Lily, but everyone was all right. For now, that was good enough.

The next morning, the school was still abuzz with rumors. Remus was back in time for breakfast, telling the other Gryffindor sixth years that he had been held up until very late by his parents and had gone straight to bed. He assured them he didn’t know what had happened with Potter and Black. Lily later heard that James showed up as breakfast was ending and ate alone.

Lily didn’t see James or Remus for the rest of the day. She spent most of her Saturday in the common room doing homework and avoiding the worsening weather, as she always did. As October stole the last strands of summer away, Lily wished she had taken full advantage of the sunshine while she could.

The common room was particularly unpleasant that day. Wherever James and Remus had gone, they did not seem to have told Sirius Black. He spent most of the day in the common room in a state of increasing agitation. By the evening, he was pacing around the room, completely ignoring Peter with whom he had been hanging out earlier, and glancing up sharply every time the portrait hole opened. His attitude was so catching that by the time James and Remus climbed through the portrait hole about an hour before curfew, it felt like everyone in the room glanced up to see who it was.

The two boys entered the common room looking tired. Neither of them made eye contact with anyone and both where very subdued. Sirius moved toward them immediately. Lily watched carefully from behind her hair and was aware that most of the rest of the room was either surreptitiously or openly watching the ensuing conversation.

Black stepped in close to the other boys, as was standard for a certain kind of Marauder conversation but Remus immediately backed away. Black said something that prompted a response from Potter, and the two boys went back and forth in soft taut voices for a moment, but very soon Black was trying to address Remus again; Lily saw his hand reach out slightly toward the other boy. In response, Remus turned and walked away.

Black watched him go across the room and up to the boys’ dormitory. After a moment, he made as if to follow, but Potter moved quickly and planted himself in the way. Black spoke urgently to Potter for a moment and then there was a blur of movement and a sharp crack. It took Lily a moment to realize that James had hit Sirius in the jaw.

Potter, being a pure-blood, probably had no experience with Muggle duelling. The hit was ungainly and Black looked more surprised than hurt. Potter stepped back, holding his hand against his chest and then turned and stormed away up the stairs as well. Black watched him go with a bemused look on his face, his own hand drifting up to the spot where Potter had hit him. After a moment, Peter stood up from where he was sitting and followed the other two boys up to their dorm leaving Black alone in the middle of the crowded common room.

Blacks stood there for a long time watching the stairs. Eventually he drifted to an empty chair near the fire and sat heavily. Lily saw a few people try to address him, but he stared resolutely ahead and did not acknowledge anyone. He was still there when Lily went up to bed hours later.

The next day, the punch was the talk of the school. The Marauders where a lot of things at Hogwarts: troublesome, mysterious, exciting, liked, hated and most of all cool, but one thing that had never been was divided. They had, through all their trouble, presented an impenetrable wall. There were the Marauders and then there was everyone else. They didn’t break ranks and they didn’t have fights where anyone else could see them. James punching Sirius represented a distinct schism in the solid wall they presented to the world.

Over the course of the day, it became clear that the wall hadn’t just cracked. It had shattered. Sirius was alone the entire day. On Monday, in every class Lily shared with Sirius, the seating arrangement changed, shifting him as far as possible from the other boys.

Sirius had always been central to the group. Everyone agreed that he and James were the ringleaders and the heart of the group. Without him, they were no longer Marauders. Depending on who you asked, they were either James and his weird friends or Remus and his annoying friends. It wasn’t the same.

Over the course of the next few days, it became clear to the rest of the Gryffindors just how much of a split there was. It became apparent that none of the other boys were talking to Black. This left him all alone most of the time, because while he knew everyone, he had very few real friends outside of his dorm mates. After all this, Lily thought that perhaps she should have seen it coming when suddenly he was sitting with her friends.

It happened mid-way through the week. After several days of him despondently moping alone, Lily came down to breakfast to see a marginally livelier Sirius sitting with Marlene and Dorcas. Mary, who had come down with Lily, didn’t comment on it and dropped into a seat across from them. After a momentary pause, Lily sat down as well.

As Lily reached for some eggs Sirius glanced up at her, his face falling. He stood quickly and muttered to no one in particular, “best be going. Don’t want to impose.” Glancing down at Sirius’ abandoned plate Lily saw that he had barely touched his breakfast. True to his word, Sirius turned almost immediately to hurry away. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see Marlene throwing her an angry look. She ignored it.

“Wait,” Lily called after him before she could talk herself out of it. He turned and looked back at her so dejectedly that Lily couldn’t help feel a little sorry. She wasn’t close to Sirius but she counted on his lively energy as a constant in her life at Hogwarts. “Sit,” she motioned toward his food, “at least finish your breakfast.”

“I thought you had abandoned me like everyone else,” he snapped.

Lily let out a long sigh. “Look, you’re welcome to sit with me, but only if you’re going to be pleasant. I’m not here for your pity party and I’m not here to put up with your crap.” He looked at her with an unreadable expression. “Now sit down and eat your stupid toast and be nice to me if you can manage it. If not, I’ll settle for not actively mean.”

There was a long pause. Black’s expression was still unreadable. Out of the corner of her eye Lily could see Marlene looking angry and Mary looking concerned. She could already hear Marlene’s sharp reprimand and Mary’s gentle prodding that Lily should be nicer.

Lily was jolted out of her thoughts as Black sat down heavily across from her and tucked into his food. He remained silent for the whole rest of the meal, but he stuck close to them the rest of the day and even made a few passingly polite comments to Lily.

The day was pleasant enough, but as Marlene headed up to the dorm, it became clear to Lily that a talk about what had happened at breakfast had merely been postponed. As Lily turned to enter the bathroom, she found Marlene in front of her. “Can we talk a minute, Lily?”

Lily glanced over at Mary, who was sitting on the edge of her own bed. She shrugged at Lily and said, “It doesn’t have to be right now. If you need…” she pointed vaguely at the bathroom. Lily shook her head and lowered herself back to sit on her own bed.

“No, that’s okay. I suppose I have Mary to thank for the diplomatic tone,” Lily responded with a grin at the other girl.

Mary giggled slightly but Marlene didn’t look amused. “Look Lily, Sirius has been through a lot lately and I think you should be nice to him.”

“I am. We hung out all day. I was nice; but he needs to be nice to me too.”

“Of course he does,” said Mary conciliatorily, “but couldn’t you have said it in a nicer way?”

“Would he have listened if I did?” Lily replied, trying not to sound too annoyed. Mary responded with a shrug. Marlene turned away. Lily leapt into the gap. “Look, I’m not interested in having him dump his emotions on me.”

“He’s been through a lot,” Marlene repeated, “the least you can do is make some space for him.”

“I could do a lot less,” Lily replied quickly, but not sharply. She found she wasn’t mad, just a bit frustrated and deeply and absolutely sure that she was right. “I’m willing to do a lot for him. I hung around him all day after everything that happened this year, didn’t I? I’m just not willing to let him treat me like crap.”

“He didn’t,” said Marlene sharply.

“He was being an ass,” said Mary quietly. Lily smiled softly at her.

“Yeah but with everything he’s not really responsible,” Marlene replied halfheartedly. Lily got the impression that she knew how weak that was.

“Then who is?” Lily replied. Marlene waved her hand vaguely.

“Is this about Snape again?” asked Mary quietly.

Lily looked at the floor for a long moment and then felt herself nod. She so wanted to be over everything with Snape and she didn’t want to talk about it now, but she couldn’t see a way around.

‘What’s Sirius got to do with Snape?” Marlene asked, somewhat aggressively.

Lily breathed out a short puff of air. “He used to always get sad if I got mad at him? And then I would feel guilty and apologize. Which, I mean, if I was being a bitch…”

“You’re not a bitch,” Marlene cut sharply across Lily. Lily glanced up to see Marlene looking fierce. “Did he tell you that?”

Lily thought about it for a moment. She didn’t think Snape had ever said anything so unkind about her. Not until he had called her a Mudblood at least. “I think he just let me say it about myself, you know?”

“That’s not like you,” said Marlene, looking oddly at Lily.

“Well, he would just look so sad,” Lily replied defensively, “and I would just start saying whatever I could think of.”

“That does sound a bit like you,” said Mary softly.

“Well, I’m trying not to,” Lily replied.

Mary nodded but Marlene looked frustrated. “Sirius isn’t Snape.” Lily just shrugged. Inwardly she knew that was true, but she was done letting people step on her. She needed friends who respected her.

“How much do we know about what happened?” Mary asked, glancing at Marlene. “With James and Sirius,” she clarified.

“He hasn’t told me much,” she replied. “I don’t think he hurt James though.”

“He didn’t,” Lily said quickly. The others glanced up at her. “I got a bit from Remus. Nothing concrete but I think it’s more he put him in a bad situation and left him there or something?” Lily hedged. She could hardly say that he had let Snape get at Remus when he was transformed.

The others nodded. “Do you think it’s his fault James had to save Snape?” Mary asked.

Lily nodded. “Something like that.”

 “Well, I’m sure it’s not his fault,” Marlene supplied. Lily glanced up at her, thoughtful.

“What’s with you and Black lately Marls?”

“What do you mean?” the other girl looked defensive for a moment. “We’ve always been friends.”

“You guys do seem closer lately,” Mary supplied.

“What did you guys talk about after we ran in to you and Dorcas?” Lily asked.

Marlene looked a little panicked now. “You were there. You heard what we said.”

“But then you went back to the common room without me,” Lily replied. It came out sounding almost like a question. Marlene looked so worried about the direction of this conversation Lily was starting to feel oddly guilty about the whole thing.

Marlene seemed to collect herself for a moment. “We just had a really good talk about me being… you know… gay.” It was the first time Lily had heard Marlene say the word aloud. “It just made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I don’t know.”

“That’s good,” said Mary, stepping into the awkward pause that had been rapidly forming. Lily nodded. She still felt a little guilty about how she had reacted to the whole thing.

“It was just nice and,” Marlene chewed her words over for a moment, “positive I guess? But also just normal.”

“Like Potter and his dumb talk the next day,” Mary supplied.

Marlene grinned. “Yeah.”

Lily couldn’t take it anymore. “Marls, I’m really sorry about how I reacted. I was such an ass.”

There was an awkward silence for a moment. “Listen,” Marlene said, not unkindly, “just… we’re past it, you know?”

“Right but I feel really…”

“Don’t make this about you, babe,” Marlene said sharply and with a harsh hint of sarcasm. Lily heard Mary suck in a breath. There was another pause.

“Right, yeah, of course,” Lily said. She pushed a grin forward on her face. Marlene was right, of course. This was about supporting her. “Sure thing.” She nodded.

“How is it you two can run from emotional incompetence to extreme maturity this quickly?” Mary asked in a slightly awed voice. The other two glanced sharply over at her.

“I’m not incompetent,” Lily said quickly.

“Lily’s the incompetent one,” Marlene said at the same time. They both glanced at each other sharply.

“Well, it’s my bedtime,” Mary said with a huge fake yawn.

“Yeah can I go to the bathroom now?” Lily asked.

“I don’t know, can you?” Marlene replied in a faux serious voice.

“Typical pure-blood. Did you learn that one from your tutors?” Lily replied shuffling into the bathroom and closing the door on Marlene’s mock sour expression and Mary’s giggle.


	6. Consequences

The next few days, Black continued to follow after Lily and her friends. He and Lily got along fine, in a slightly formal way. Black’s joking demeanor returned to a certain extent, but he seemed generally more reserved that before. The girls wondered at this, but Black kept tight lipped about what had happened.

Through it all, the other boys continued to not speak to Black and avoided him whenever possible. Consequently, patrols were the only time Lily had a chance to talk to Remus. It transpired, much to Lily’s disappointment, that Remus was even less communicative that Black. On their first patrol, she asked if it was okay that she was talking to Sirius. He simply shrugged. When she asked him what had happened, he kindly but firmly told her he didn’t want to talk about it and that was the end of that. Even when Lily dropped the subject, she was displeased to find it hanging between them like something in the air. It seemed often to be on Remus’ mind and he became uncommunicative.

All of this continued for a week and a half, and Lily was settling into distance with Remus and a passing friendship with Black. This new normal was upended on a Friday night a week and a half after the full moon. Lily had come to dinner late and was leaving late and alone. She was walking quickly across the Entrance Hall watching, almost subconsciously, the head of the stairs that led down to the Slytherin common room in the dungeons, when a voice hailed her from the other direction.

“Evans!” she turned to find Black, looking happier than he had in weeks, stumbling loosely down the stairs toward her. He toddled up, looking delighted to see her. “How’s my favorite ginger?”

As he stumbled into her personal space, Lily was overwhelmed by the strong smell of alcohol. She took a step back and took in his unkempt appearance and unfocused eyes. “How are you this drunk already, Black? We were in class barely two hours ago.” He giggled and waved his hand at this.

“I have many strange powers that you know not of Evans.” He continued to wave his arms in what he might have thought was a mysterious way. “Come eat dinner with me, Evans!” He grabbed her arm a little too hard and started to steer her toward the Great Hall.

If Black went in there, he would immediately land himself in endless detentions. Lily was fairly certain that Professor McGonagall and Professor Kettleburn were both still at the head table. Lily had had enough experience with both of her parents at various moments to know that the trick with drunk people, especially when they were bigger than you, was redirection.

“You’re too late, Black,” she said quickly. “It’s basically over. All the good food is gone.”

She expected his face to fall at this, but instead he turned sharply in the other direction, still tugging her after him. “To the kitchen!” He started toward the stairs down toward the Hufflepuff common room, but Lily dug her heels in.

“You’re hurting my arm,” she said in the firmest voice she could muster. He immediately let go like she had burned him.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry, Evans.” he sounded almost close to tears.

“Save it,” she replied. “Where are the kitchens?” Misdirection again, but she also found herself genuinely curious. This was not among the additional information about the castle that the Prefects were given, but it didn’t surprise her that a Marauder would know.

Black recovered some of his steam but still seemed quite downcast. “Right you are, Evans, this way!” He led her down the hallway and pulled to a halt in front of a painting of a bowl of fruit. He leaned forward, tipping his weight rather heavily a put a hand on the painting. Lily felt a jolt of anxiety. These paintings were very old, could you get in trouble for touching them?

A moment later, she was distracted from the thought as Black began to awkwardly tickle a pear in the bowl. He was drunk enough that it came out somewhere between a poke and a pat. Lily was only quite sure he was tickling because be made a cooing noise like one would make when tickling a baby. After a few moments too long of this, the pear seemed to take pity on him and let out a faint giggle. Then the painting swung outward.

Lily had been about to ask Black if the noises he had been making were a necessary part of the whole thing, but thought stole from her head as she looked past him and caught a glimpse of the kitchen. It was a massive high-ceilinged room the size of the Great Hall above. House elves were cleaning away the dishes from the dinner above. The whole room was swarming with activity.

Black found his way over to some house elves who seemed to know who he was and soon he was sitting in front of a tray of food eating happily. Lily sat down next to him and grabbed some chocolate pudding off the tray and began munching on it thoughtfully. Black glanced up at her and looked worried again.

“Don’t tell James,” he said quietly.

“What?”

“About me hurting you. It was an accident,” he added.

“It’s not a big deal. You didn’t mean to. Just be careful next time,” she replied quietly.

“James would be mad,” said Sirius absently.

“Why James specifically?”

“He doesn’t like bullies.” Lily rolled her eyes at this. “No really,” Black replied. “I don’t know what your deal with him is but he really doesn’t. Plus it’s you.”

“So?” Lily was growing increasingly impatient with this conversation. Black just waved his hand at this as if Lily ought to know what he meant.

“And he’s already mad at me after… you know,” he inclined his head knowingly at Lily. Lily felt a spike of irritation at his conspiratorial glance.

“No I don’t know, Black! You said you would handle it and clearly it didn’t go great,” Lily snapped. “And now you aren’t talking to each other and James got hurt and I don’t know what you did. Whatever it was you did, it because I picked you to tell. I could have gone to Remus or a teacher. I could have gone to Potter even! But I went to you and now there’s some kind of mess and I have no idea what happened.” Lily felt guilt bubbling under the surface. All of the awkward pauses in her conversations with Remus in the last few days coming back to her. She told herself everything was fine, but was it really?

Black blinked at her a little stupidly. “You’re mad at me,” was all he managed. Lily shrugged and began to stand up. She had had enough of this dead end conversation. “I screwed up bad,” Black said softly behind her.

“Yeah, I gathered.”

“I told him where to go.” For a moment Lily struggled to process this statement. He couldn’t mean…

She turned sharply. “You told who where to go?”

“Snape,” said Black, almost a whisper. Lily was shocked to see tears behind the anger in his eyes. “I went to stop him. Send him the wrong direction. But he went off about my brother.” Lily stepped in closer, the better to hear Black’s whispered confession. “And then I told him. I told him how to find Remus.”

Lily stood frozen for a moment staring at Sirius. She felt anger bubbling up in her and found herself picturing Remus’ panicked expression in the hospital wing. “You bastard,” she almost shouted.

“I wish,” Black muttered. The seeming non-sequitur only fueled Lily’s anger.

“Why the fucking hell would you do that?” Lily snapped. She didn’t usually swear, but at the moment she felt like she couldn’t find words big enough for all her anger.

Black shrugged. “I’m trash Evans. It’s inevitable.” Lily was fairly certain this was a reference to the Black family, who Lily had heard were a fairly deplorable lot.

“That sounds like a fucking excuse, Black,” Lily snapped and then turned and stormed from the room. Behind her she thought she heard Black say something else but she didn’t stop to listen.

Lily came thundering into the Gryffindor common room not to long after. Marlene and Mary were sitting near the entrance to the common room and, like many people, glanced up at Lily’s unnecessarily loud entrance. Seeing it was her, Marlene motioned her over.

“Whose ass do I kick?” she asked as Lily dropped into a chair opposite her.

“Black,” Lily muttered.

Marlene rolled her eyes and let out a long suffering sigh. “What did he do now?”

“He told me what happened,” Lily snapped.

There was a short pause. “It’s that bad?” Mary asked.

“It’s pretty fucked,” Lily muttered. Marlene and Mary’s eyes shot up at the language.

“What happened?” Marlene asked breathlessly.

“He…” Lily pulled up short for a moment, “I can’t tell you.” There was no way to explain the stakes of Black’s actions properly without raising questions that she couldn’t answer. Questions it was better no one asked.

“You too? That’s what James said when I asked him after Quidditch practice,” Marlene exclaimed, but Mary looked thoughtful.

“People who know keep saying that. It must be really serious if no one can talk about it.” Lily nodded.

“I hope you’re not going to start up with him again,” Marlene said quietly. Lily’s head snapped up.

“What’s so special about Black, Marls?”

Marleen shrugged. “He’s just been through a lot, is all.”

This triggered a memory in Lily’s brain. “His family, right?” she asked carefully.

“Slytherins the lot of them,” said Marlene, “and fulfilling all the worst stereotypes.”

“They can’t be that bad, surely?” Lily prodded. She was tired of not knowing, not understanding what was going on.

Marlene looked guarded for a moment, and then leaned in a bit conspiratorially. “Look, I only know about this because we’re distantly related and he knows I get how pureblood families can be.” She looked unusually thoughtful for a moment. “He didn’t want you two to know but he gets in trouble for ‘fraternizing’ when he goes home because it’s gotten out he’s friends with you two.”

“With us?” Mary said softly, “But why would… oh.”

It took Lily less time than Mary to figure out why. They were two of the only Muggle-borns in their year. As soon as Marlene had said it, Lily felt her stomach drop. Two competing emotions rose up in her; a spike of affection and a burst of discomfort.

She pictured Black’s constant presence in her life. She had often thought of his presence as annoying but it had never occurred to her that it was steadfast as well. She supposed that he might have been through a lot for their friendship even if she hadn’t.

The discomfort was harder to pin down. Maybe it was because it made their relationship suddenly feel oddly one sided. She was glad Black had stood up for her, she supposed, but it made her feel strange as well.

“His brother goes here too, right?” Lily asked, trying to pull herself back to understanding what Black had meant earlier, about Snape baiting him.

“Yeah. In Slytherin,” Mary supplied this time.

Lily nodded, “That’s what I thought. How is he?”

Marlene looked at Lily oddly. “Why are you so interested all of a sudden?”

“Just… trying to understand him, I guess.” It wasn’t a lie either, Lily thought to herself.

Marlene nodded slightly. “I think he’s more of the same, really. But I don’t know. He’s Sirius’ baby brother or whatever. I think Sirius is particularly bothered about him. He doesn’t talk about it much.”

Lily nodded. That made a certain amount of sense. What Sirius had done still seemed pretty unforgivable to Lily but at least it made a bit more sense now. She stood. “I’m going to go…” she gestured vaguely. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do but she felt like she needed a second opinion. She needed to talk to someone else.

“You and Sirius are good, right?” Marlene asked behind her. Lily took a small calming breath before turning. 

“It was pretty bad, Marls,” she hedged. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, come on. After everything?”

“What do you mean?” Lily replied hotly. Her nervousness from earlier was returning quickly.

“I mean, he’s really stuck his neck out for you.”

Lily’s stomach was churning. She wasn’t used to Marlene making her feel so uncomfortable. “He only had to do that because I’m a Muggle-born, Marlene.”

“So?” Marlene snapped. “His family is really awful to him! You don’t know how pure-blood families can be! Sometimes it can be a real risk.” Lily felt an unexpected panic bubbling up in her gut. She glanced at Mary. The smile on her face was oddly forced. Lily focused back on Marlene.

“So I just have to put up with whatever from him?” Lily snapped.

“Not whatever,” Marlene replied in a short voice, waving her hand dismissively. “Just, I don’t know, maybe a little respect, you know? A little gratitude.”

Lily’s mind was running a mile a minute. “Respect?” she rolled the word slowly in her mouth. “You think I should have respect for him because he’s a pure-blood and I’m a Muggle-born?”

“Because he’s a…” Marlene sputtered. “What the hell are you talking about, Lily? Of course I don’t think that!”

“But this situation only exists because I’m a Muggle-born and he’s a pure-blood!” Lily cried. She felt her fists clenched at her side. Her friends were supposed to be better than this. Marlene wasn’t Snape, wasn’t even Potter or Black. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Lily glanced at Mary. The other girl still had the odd smile plastered across her face but her eyes had gone wider and wider.

Marlene seemed to have followed Lily’s gaze, because she turned to Mary as well. “Mary, will you tell Lily she’s being crazy.”

Anger flared in Lily’s chest. “I’m not being crazy, Marlene!”

Marlene was still staring at Mary. Mary had gone pale and was looking between the two of them, slightly panicky. Mary’s expression seemed to give Marlene pause. “Mary?” she prodded, gentler now.

“Listen Marlene, I think maybe you should have, I don’t know, said it quite like that?” Mary said cautiously.

“So maybe I misspoke a bit,” Marlene said guardedly.

“Well, maybe it’s not just how you said it.” Mary said it so quietly that Lily barely heard it.

“Oh,” was all Marlene managed. Marlene and Lily fought often enough but Marlene seemed totally unprepared for criticism from Mary.

“Listen,” Lily said, fighting for some semblance of calm and trying to keep her voice low, unwilling to have an argument about this in front of the whole common room, “I can’t go around being grateful to every pure-blood that’s nice to me. That’s too many people!” Marlene opened her mouth to say something but Lily plowed through. “The world is full of people who’ll give you shit for not upholding your blood-status or whatever. Every single Muggle-born would owe every single pure-blood who was ever nice to them. I can’t be grateful and indebted to pure-bloods just for speaking to me or being my friend. I can’t always owe… I mean… ugh.” Lily felt like she was starting to talk in a circle. “Look,” she tried again cautiously, “I don’t want to be grateful for my friends. I just want to be glad for them. I don’t want to have to grateful for anything here, I just want to enjoy it and be glad for it like everyone else.”

“Right,” Marlene was going pink in her cheeks, “poor choice of words.”

“Will you stop saying that!” Mary snapped suddenly. “It’s not just how you said it.”

“Mary, I…” Marlene started, but Mary cut her off by standing up sharply.

“Well,” said Mary, her voice suddenly choked and high. “This conversation was awful. I’m going to bed and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” She turned and hurried away toward the dorm. Lily stood to go as well, cast a sharp glace at Marlene who looked more hurt and confused than anything. Lily almost felt sorry for a moment, but then she remembered the same look on Snape’s face and she turned away. Marlene was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Lily considered going to bed as well, but she didn’t think she could stand to look at Mary right now. Seeing how hurt the other girl was by the conversation would only make her feel worse. Lily settled for quickly exiting the common room. As soon as she was back in the hallway, she remembered that there was a drunk Sirius Black who she definitely could not handle at the moment out here somewhere. She glanced back at the portrait hole, but after a moment of deliberation, turned and set off for the library. It seemed unlikely that she would run into Black there, and she hoped Marlene would stay in the common room and not come looking for her.

Lily’s head was spinning. Marlene had scared her, talking like that. Not that she was scared of Marlene exactly, but Lily had thought of her as someone she could trust in all this blood-status madness. Someone she didn’t have to put up with odd comments from. Her dorm was where she went for a break from all that. Lily took a calming breath, surprised how shaken she felt.

Lily approached the library, not quite sure what to do with herself when she got there. That question was answered when she nearly ran smack into Remus who was coming out. Her emotions must have showed on her face.

“Lily, are you alright?” he asked.

“I… I’m having the worst damn day,” she admitted.

Remus grinned, not unkindly. “I guess so, if you, a Prefect, are using such language in the halls.”

Lily huffed out a slight laugh. “I think I’ve sworn more in the last hour than in the whole rest of my life.”

“So who have you been swearing at?” Remus asked easily.

“Marlene most recently,” said Lily carefully. “She gave Mary and I a talk about the difficulties of being pure-blood.”

Remus sighed. “Yeah, sometimes I have a hard time hearing all of Potter and Black’s problems.” He seemed to realize what he had said and his face fell a little.

“Black was the other person I yelled at. Before Marlene,” Lily added. Remus looked suddenly a little guarded. “He told me what he did,” Lily said. Remus nodded without looking at her. “What he did was awful, Remus, unforgivable. You’re completely justified if you never want to speak to him again.”

“But I don’t,” Remus said suddenly, glancing up at her. “That’s the problem. I just want to be friends with him again.”

“Listen, Remus, I know it’s hard but sometimes you have to let people go. If they treat you a certain way,” Lily said as calmly as she could.

“He’s not Snape.” Lily’s eyes shot up to Remus’ face. He was looking dead at her, intensely, almost confrontationally.

“After what he did…” Lily started.

“Lily, don’t,” he snapped. “He did something awful but he’s done so many wonderful things for me before that. Things you don’t know about. When was the last time Snape did something good for you?”

Lily felt his last sentence as a bolt of lightning through her stomach. “That’s not fair! I wasn’t his friend for no reason.”

“But there wasn’t enough to keep him around!” Remus replied, doubling down. “I can’t put Sirius out of my life. I owe him!”

“Not you too,” Lily groaned. “Marlene said the same thing. That I owe him because he sticks his neck out for me with his stupid family.”

“I can’t cut him out, Lily. I just can’t.” Lily was thrown by the raw pain in Remus’ voice.

“What if you have to?” she asked softly.

“But I don’t,” Remus replied stubbornly. “It’ll get better.”

“You can’t change him,” said Lily forcefully.

“I don’t have to!” Remus barked it out at her. They were both breathing heavily. Remus seemed to realize how loud they were being at the same moment Lily did. They both glanced back toward the nearby entrance to the library and Remus nodded down the hall. As they walked quickly away from the door and around a corner, Remus spoke again.

“He’s not awful, Lily. He made one mistake. He can be arrogant and unthinking sometimes but this is not like him. This doesn’t, I don’t know, match with everything else he’s done.” Lily subsided at this. She remembered all too well the summer months where she puzzled through Snape’s behavior leading up to the moment by the lake. Her stomach still churned when she thought of the dawning realization, staring at her bedroom ceiling or walking through town in the still warm evenings, that this wasn’t out of character for him. That this had been coming for a long, long time.

She glanced back up at Remus, who was studying her closely. Slowly, she nodded. “I think I have less reason to forgive him for this than you do,” she said at last. He nodded at that. There was another heavy pause.

“I just wish I knew why he did it,” Remus said, soft and vulnerable again.

“He didn’t tell you?”

Remus glanced up at her. “I didn’t really give him the chance. I’m not ready for that talk yet. But the not knowing is killing me.”

“I… I could tell you if you like. He told me just now,” Lily had been unsure about making the offer, completely unconfident about how it would be received but Remus immediately looked up hopefully.

“Could you? I think that would be… very helpful.”

Lily nodded thoughtfully, bringing the conversation back to mind. “He said Snape baited him into telling,” Lily supplied.

“That’s it?” Remus’ face was a mask of shock. “Snape is constantly talking some kind of crap to us. He gave me up for a few insults?” He looked angrier now. “I know he has a temper, especially where Snape is concerned, but that’s just plain stupid.”

“I don’t know,” said Lily quietly, “Snape can be very persuasive when he wants to be.”

Remus shrugged, “Maybe. He mostly just seemed full of hot air to me.”

This gave Lily pause, “I don’t know Remus, he’s very clever.” Remus looked at her oddly at this. “I’m serious,” she added, “I think he mostly just wants to fight with you lot and get you in trouble and Potter and Black especially are all too happy to oblige him.”

“Well, you’re not wrong about that,” Remus sighed. “What’s your point?”

“I think if he really wants something, he can be really clever about getting it. You know Black, but I know Snape. He’s totally capable of winding someone up in just the right way. How…” Lily’s voice caught in her throat for a moment and she breathed in quickly, recomposing herself, “How do you think he got me to hang around so long?”

Remus stared at Lily for a moment and then nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe. I don’t know.” He turned away rubbing his eyes thoughtfully. “And he didn’t say anything else about it to you?”

“He said that Snape said some stuff about his brother. A sore subject, I gather.”

Remus glanced back at her and let out a sharp laugh, shocking compared to the tone of the last few minutes. Lily glanced up at him in surprise. “Yeah, that would about do it,” Remus said. For a moment he looked considerably lighter and then his face fell again. “What an idiot,” he sighed, “That was real clever of Snape, I suppose, I’m not too shocked that that worked. For someone so smart, Sirius is really stupid sometimes. Thanks Lily, really.”

“You’re welcome,” Lily replied, feeling suddenly exhausted. At this rate, she was running out of friends to get in fights with today.

Remus still looked a bit angry, but not at Lily. “I’m not ready to forgive him or anything but…” he shrugged, “I’m glad I know. It makes a bit more sense,” he nodded to himself. “Reliving all the Snape stuff can’t have been easy.”

Lily shrugged. “That was my whole summer more or less.”

“That sounds awful,” he replied sympathetically. “I’m going to head back to the common room, want to walk with me?” After a moment, Lily nodded and they set off.

“I’m glad I could help, Remus.”

He smiled at her. “Can I asked one more thing of you?”

Lily suddenly felt bone tired. “Does it require me to do anything today?”

Remus smiled. “No.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“Don’t stop hanging out with Black?” Lily glanced up at him, surprised. He elaborated quickly. “I’m not asking you to forgive him, or be all buddy-buddy or anything. I just mean, if you can tolerate him hanging out with you lot until… you know.”

“Foster custody, hmm?” Lily replied with a slight smile. Remus nodded. “I think I can do that.” He smiled at her gratefully.

“Thanks, Lily. I hate to think what he would get up to all on his own. He needs people. He doesn’t have anyone but us looking after him generally.”

Lily nodded, thinking of her distance with her own family. “I get that.”

“Do you remember the time in third year when James called McGonagall ‘mum’?” Remus asked. Lily glanced up at the seeming non-sequitur but found herself smiling a little.

“Vaguely,” Lily hedged. “You all didn’t let him live it down for months.”

“We still give her a mother’s day card from him every year,” Remus replied fondly. “He’s actually started signing them himself with very little prompting.” Lily laughed and felt an odd jump in her chest at the image. “Well, one time we were teasing him about it and James tried to say that it was a mistake anyone could make.”

“He might be right about that,” Lily said.

“Sure, but Sirius said his own mum was, and I quote, ‘too much of a bitch to actually give a shit about him,’ and so he would never mistake McGonagall for her. Thing was, McGonagall was standing right there.” Lily grinned. “Like I said, the stupidest smart person. Anyway, she takes him off to her office and we were expecting detentions or whatever, the usual deal, but he comes back and says they just ate biscuits and talked about his life.”

Lily let out a laugh. “She does have great biscuits in her office.”

“James always complains they’re too plain,” Remus replied. They were approaching the portrait hole and he slowed his steps.

“Of course he does,” Lily muttered coming to a halt.

“I just mean to say, Sirius never really had people before he came here. Well, except his brother and that’s all gone to shit now,” Remus added thoughtfully. Lily nodded, thinking of Petunia. “And someone needs to keep an eye on him.”

“And now it’s me,” sighed Lily.

“No, I don’t want to put that on you,” Remus said quickly, “but Marlene seems pretty up to the job, if I could borrow her.” Lily’s stomach dropped at the thought of Marlene. Remus seemed to see it on her. “Sorry,” he added.

Lily shrugged. “I’m going to head to bed before I manage to get in another fight,” she said quickly. Remus started to say something else but she waved him away quickly. “Night, Remus.”

He let her go then and she made her way up to the dorm. Mary’s curtains were drawn and Lily changed quickly and climbed into bed. She starred at the canopy of her bed for a long time before she heard the door open.

Marlene came in quietly and there was a soft rustle of fabric as she changed. The springs creaked and she sat for a moment on the edge of her bed, silhouetted against the soft light of the window. When she spoke, it made Lily jump. “I can tell you’re both awake,” she said quietly, an unusual waver in her voice. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry and we don’t have to talk about it anymore.” With that, she crawled into her bed and rolled over.

Lily was a bit relieved at that. She had been afraid this would result in more long uncomfortable conversations, explaining to Marlene what she had done wrong. Lily was quite sure she didn’t want to go through that.

It was restless in the sixth year Gryffindor girls’ dorm that night. Lily didn’t sleep properly and from the stilted silences and lack of snoring or even heavy slow breathing, Lily was fairly certain no one else did either. 


	7. Keeping Friends

The next day, Lily and Mary went down to breakfast a little after Marlene, who had hurried out of the dorm quickly in the morning. Neither of the girls talked at all on the long walk down to the Great Hall. For her part, Lily knew she couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t rehashing last night’s conversation.

Lily felt that she never wanted to talk about any of this ever again, but it felt like that would be easier with Mary than with Marlene. The shared experience of being Muggle-born at Hogwarts was something they had in common and talked about from time to time. Now they had shared an incident of discomfort that was hanging on both of their minds and they seemed resolved not to talk about it. This left a ponderous silence in their long walk together.

As they neared the Great Hall, Lily made a decision. “Mary,” she said softly. Mary turned toward her, looking tired and nervous. Moving quickly, Lily threaded her arms around the other girl and pulled her into a tight hug. Mary let out a slight squeak of surprise, but as soon as she realized what was happening she relaxed into the hug, a contented hum escaping her mouth. “We’re okay,” Lily said softly into her ear.

As they pulled away, Lily caught Mary wiping away a tear, but the girl was also smiling damply. Lily figured it was the best result she could hope for. She gestured toward the doors of the Great Hall and Mary, rubbing at her cheeks on last time, nodded.

As they entered, they saw Marlene, Dorcas and Sirius sitting together about halfway up the table. Mary looked at Lily, uncertain again, but Lily moved up the table and sat across from the two of them, Mary slotting in next to her. Both Sirius and Marlene looked a bit surprised to see her there.

The breakfast was a little strained, but by the end of it they were beginning to fall back into a natural rhythm. They got up and headed to the Entrance Hall together and began splitting up to head to their first classes. Lily suddenly come to a decision.

“Black, could we talk for a minute?” Sirius suddenly looked nervous, while the others peered at them curiously. Sirius nodded and she steered him out of the Entrance Hall into a small anti-chamber to the right, the same one where they had waited to take their OWLS.

She closed the door quietly, not quite sure exactly what she wanted to say. Black looked fairly jumpy in the face of her silence, so she started off as best she could. “Look, I’m still mad at you.”

“Okay,” Black said slowly, seemingly unsure what to make of this statement.

“But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t hang out with us.”

“Sure,” Black said, still uncertain.

Lily nodded to herself, still not quite sure where she’s going with this. “I just wanted to… I don’t know… make sure we knew where we stood.”

Okay,” he said cautiously, “I’m still allowed to talk to you, then?”

Lily nodded slowly. “Just maybe take it easy, hmm? Don’t crowd me too much.”

“Well, it’s good to know I still have some friends,” Black sighed a little dramatically.

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “The boys are still your friends. They just need some time.”

“Not likely,” muttered Black, a look of genuine defeat drifting across his face. Lily suddenly remembered what Remus had said the other night about Black’s family.

“I promise you, they’re not done with you. They’ve said as much.”

Black glanced up incredulously. “Oh really. Since when are you a confidant to the Marauders?”

“Remus talks to me,” Lily said defensively. “And you too now, apparently,” she added as an afterthought.

“What did Remus say?” Black said sharply, suddenly hopeful and excited.

“I don’t think it’s right for me to tell you. Just, don’t give up on them, okay?”

Black shrugged. “I don’t know how to make it up to them. I don’t know if they should even forgive me.” He looked so downcast and Lily was suddenly remembering Snape’s halfhearted apology in which he had said the word Mudblood all over again. Maybe Remus was right after all.

“Well, you can work on earning it,” she said encouragingly. He still looked downcast and a strange affection seized on Lily. “I’ll help you, how about that?” Lily almost expected to immediately regret the pronouncement but as Sirius looked up at her hopefully, with the start of a grin tugging at the corner of his lips, Lily found that she wasn’t sorry at all.

“Going to make me respectable, are you, Evans?”

“A task beyond even me,” Lily replied with a grin, “but I may try to nudge you toward the right track.”

“You’re like the annoying little sister I never had,” Black shot back. Lily thought of Black’s family and of her own sister and felt suddenly warm.

“Black,” she started adopting a mock serious tone, “Don’t ever call me your little sister again,” his face fell but she hurried on, checking points off on her fingers, “I’m older than you, I’m a prefect and I’m saving your ass with my superior wisdom. You are definitely the annoying little brother in this situation.”

“You youngest children, always trying to move up in the world,” he replied, positively beaming now. Lily realized that she was unused to such a sincerely emotional smile on his face. The moment felt large to her somehow.

“Whatever, let’s get you to class, you petulant child.” Lily stepped back out into the Entrance Hall and started toward class.

“You keep this up and I’ll throw a tantrum,” Sirius replied sharply. “I can throw a tantrum with the best of them.”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” Lily supplied. “Listen, Sirius,” Lily added pulling herself back down to serious matters, “I am still mad at you.”

Lily had expected, maybe even hoped for, a light teasing response, but instead Sirius deflated a little. “Yeah, I’m mad at me too.” Lily nodded and they walked in silence for a moment.

As they turned into the next corridor, Lily decided that he had had enough time to think over what he had done, and turned too tight so that her shoulder hit his, sending him toward the wall. He pushed her back, and by the time they made it to Transfiguration they were giggling again and fairly late. Lily tried to claim that she had apprehended him in an attempt at truancy, but the fact that she was still laughing rather spoiled it. They collectively lost five points from Gryffindor and were told to sit down by an irate Professor McGonagall.

James shot Lily a rather dirty look as she took her seat, but Remus leaned over and spoke softly to him and he subsided. Because of their lateness, Lily was forced to partner with Sirius but she figured it wasn’t so bad; he was clever, as Lily knew, and he seemed to have a particularly solid handle on the human transfiguration work they were doing that day. This was good, as Lily was a bit lost. The downside was that he kept joking about turning James into a deer, which was apparently the height of humor, until Lily reminded him that that might not help with the desired reconciliation.

Over the next few days, Lily talked Sirius through what he had done. He faithfully remembered her earlier comment about being nice to her and she found that she didn’t mind the talks at all. There was something a little cathartic about talking to Sirius about how to be a better and more respectful friend. Lily was able to say things that she had never said to Snape, or things that he had never listened to, but since she wasn’t the one that Sirius had actually hurt, she could be a bit more removed from the situation. It was nice to deal with a problem that she didn’t have to feel in such an intensely personal way. It felt like the final step in letting Snape go; reacquiring her ability to deal normally with something that kind of reminded her of the way he treated her.

Ultimately, between the two of them they decided that the main thing needed was time. Remus and the rest of the Marauders had had their trust in him shaken. They needed time to trust again. In the meantime, Sirius would need to get his head right to make sure something like this couldn’t happen again. Sirius made big promises about becoming a cautious, conscientious person but Lily told him not to overpromise. Remus was right. He didn’t have to fundamentally change who he was; just be a bit more thoughtful, a bit more careful.

Sirius continued to slot nicely in with Marlene, Mary and Lily. As Lily predicted, the others slowly came around. Peter was the first, and Lily rather got the impression that he had been waiting for some kind of permission rather than to get past any anger of his own. Strangely, Remus seemed to forgive Sirius before James did. This struck Lily as odd, but when she mentioned it to Remus, he just said something about James being hard to piss off but also hard to appease. Lily didn’t see James speak to Sirius until the night before the next full moon.

It reminded her of the earlier conversation when James punched Sirius. Sirius caught James as he came into the common room. They drew their heads together and spoke closely for a moment. It seemed they reached some kind of amiable decision because James stepped away smiling slightly. After a moment of indecision, he clapped Black on the shoulder in an oddly fatherly manner before turning and walking up to the dorm.

Sirius turned to watch James go and then moved over to where Lily sat. He settled in next to her, and Marlene and Mary joined them soon after. Peter waved to Sirius as he headed up to bed. Lily had quietly said goodbye to Remus before he went ‘home’ earlier. He had had an odd determined look on his face and she had hugged him. She had a hard time concentrating on work that night.

Slowly, the common room emptied around Lily. Mary and Marlene both drifted off to bed before it got too late, but Lily still struggled to focus on her work. Next to her, Sirius seemed to have given up the pretext of work and was alternating staring out the window at the moon and down at the portrait hole.

As midnight came on, Lily decided it was safe to speak to Sirius freely. “Is it like this every month? Just waiting.”

“No,” Sirius replied absently and then glanced up at her suddenly. “I mean, um… yeah. I don’t know.”

Lily nodded sympathetically. ”I would imagine it would be worst the first month after… you know.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Sirius replied, still looking a little shifty somehow. A thought suddenly occurred to Lily.

“Do you reckon Snape is still…? I mean he knows where to find Remus now.” Lily started to stand, unsure what she was planning on doing. “Did they find a new place for Remus?”

“No,” Sirius replied quickly, “but Dumbledore had a very firm talk with Snape.”

“You think that’ll be enough?” ask Lily uncertainly.

Sirius nodded. “He had a… firm talk with me. I… I know he mostly seems like a friendly old man but I wouldn’t want to cross him.” Lily considered this for a moment and then slowly sat back down. They sat in silence for a few more minutes. Lily trying to reapply herself to her homework and Black glancing out the window repeatedly.

After a period of this, Lily began putting her work away, giving it up as a bad job. “I’m going to go to bed, Sirius. You should too. You’re not doing any good for yourself sitting up worrying.” He shrugged, looking back at the portrait hole. “Come on,” Lily said, grabbing Sirius’ arm and giving it a gently tug. He shrugged her off. “Remus won’t be back until tomorrow. He never is.”

“I know.”

“Well then, go to bed.”

“No.” He glanced up at her defiantly. Lily sighed.

“Don’t make me go get Potter,” she threatened half-heartedly. “I’ll have him drag you up there if I have too.”

Sirius glanced up at her. “Don’t.” He looked slightly panicked and Lily felt a little bad, remembering their fight.

“I thought you two had made up.”

Sirius shrugged. “I think I’m on probation.”

Lily grinned at this. “Well, then I’ll go get Peter. I don’t think he could drag you up but maybe he can talk some sense into you.” Lily turned toward the stairs, half serious by this point, when Sirius spoke behind her.

“Lily, don’t go up there.” Lily glanced back at him. He was standing now, facing her fully.

“Why not?” she asked guardedly.

“They’re… Remus is up there,” Black replied.

“Bullshit. They can’t be keeping him in the dorm. It would be too loud and Snape couldn’t have gotten in.” Sirius glared at her for a moment. “What’s up there Black?”

“Nothing,” Sirius replied guardedly.

Lily glared at him for a moment. “What are they up to up there?”

“I told you, nothing.” Sirius looked like he felt fairly clever at the moment.

Lily considered the boy for a moment before a thought occurred to her. “Are they up there?”

Sirius’ smug expression disappeared for a moment and that was all Lily needed to confirm her suspicions.

“Where are they, Black?” Sirius looked properly panicked now.

“I can’t tell you, Lily,” he said, a hint of pleading in his voice.

Lily glanced back at the stairs to the boys’ dorms. “Do you guys always go to bed this early on the full moon? You do, don’t you!” Sirius peered at her, uncertainly.

“It’s to help Remus.” Lily froze at the confession. Sirius looked at her pleadingly. “I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s for him.”

“Is it dangerous?” Lily managed.

“None of us have ever been too badly hurt.”

“So that’s a yes,” Lily replied. She let out a low sigh.

“Look, Lily, we’re careful and we do what we have to,” Sirius said desperately.

Lily wasn’t really listening to him anymore. She pictured Potter and Black, tough, loyal and inseparable. She pictured Peter going along with anything they said. She pictured Remus after the last full moon, pale and drawn. She pictured how tired and guarded he could be, in a way that she had gotten used to. Remus had said that Lily didn’t know what Sirius had done for him.

“Good.”

Lily said it sharply and confidently. Sirius glanced up at her. “Good?” he repeated.

“That you’re doing what you have to,” she said simply. “I’m glad… I’m glad you’re looking out for him.”

Sirius smiled and she found herself smiling back. “I can’t tell you anything about it,” he said and Lily shrugged. If she was being honest with herself she was extremely curious, but she figured it was best not to push it at the moment.

Lily settled back into the chair she had been sitting in before and turned it slightly so it was facing the door. “So we’re waiting for Potter and Peter, hmm?”

“I’m waiting for them,” he replied. “You were about to go to bed.”

She shook her head. “I want to make sure they get back all right,” she replied, making a show of settling in. “So you weren’t invited tonight?”

Sirius shook his head. “Like I said, probation.”

“Will Potter and Peter be able to handle it just the two of them?” she asked.

“You need to start calling Prongs James again,” Sirius said quickly. “Potter and Peter really doesn’t roll of the tongue.”

Lily rolled her eyes and in her best concerned-mother-voice replied, “Are you avoiding talking about this because you’re worried?”

“Yeah, just like you’re avoiding talking about James because you know I’m right.”

“If you don’t stop bringing him up, I’ll…”

“What, stop waiting up to see if he makes it home safe?” Sirius said, now grinning madly.

“Oh shove it, you,” she replied halfheartedly. “I want to know if Remus is all right.”

“Well, we’re all worried about Moony,” he said, “but I think you’re a little worried about James.”

Lily rolled her eyes again for lack of anything better to say. “You know Moony is a terrible secret nickname for a werewolf.”

Black nodded. “James is in charge of all terrible nicknames. You’ll have to take it up with him.”

“So if Moony is a wolf, and you’re Padfoot, what does that make you?” Lily asked quickly, moving the conversation away from James again.

“A dog,” Sirius said promptly.

“And why are you a dog?”

“’Cause my mom’s a bitch.” Sirius grinned at her.

“I thought James was in charge of terrible jokes?” Lily shot back.

“You called him James!” Sirius crowed. Lily shook her head and reached into the bag to pull out a book.

“When will they be back anyway?” she asked.

“Once the moon sets,” Sirius replied, nodding to the window and looking suddenly thoughtful. “A few hours yet, I suppose.”

Lily glanced out at the window and watched the slowly westering moon. She and Sirius fell into a companionable silence and Lily’s eyelids grew steadily heavier. She must have dozed off at some point because she was woken by the sound of soft voices.

“…didn’t tell her much,” that was Sirius speaking, “and besides Moony trusts her.”

“Are you going to keep telling people things, Padfoot? Haven’t you done enough damage yet?” That was James. Lily began working to drag her eyelids open.

“Well, that’s not quite the same,” came Peter’s quiet voice. “She definitely isn’t Snape.”

“Nah, I have better hair,” Lily managed from where she was lying, dragging her head up off the table where it was fallen. The three boys were clumped tightly standing across the table from her. When she spoke, they glanced up and James huffed out a surprised laugh.

“That is definitely true, Evans,” he said, grinning at her, “but we don’t keep Snape at arms’ length just on account of the hair.”

“Though that is a factor,” Sirius added, grinning as well.

“Is Remus okay?” Lily asked. The mood changed quickly back to somber.

“He’s good as can be expected,” James replied.

“And you lot?” James nodded again, though both he and Peter seemed to be wincing a little any time they moved.

Lily nodded and then pulled herself to her feet. “Well, then I’m to bed. Night, all.”

She turned to go but James called after her. “Lily, you can’t tell anyone about this.”

“As long as it’s for Remus and you’re being careful,” she shrugged and continued moving to the stairs.

“Concerned for me, are you?” Potter shot after her.

“Just don’t want Remus to get food poisoning,” she threw back, grinning to herself as she made her way up the stairs. Behind her, she heard several incredulous laughs.

“Jesus, Evans!” Sirius called after her retreating back.

The next day, the Marauders joined the girls at the lunch table, all of them together. Lily glanced up just in time to see Potter slotting himself into the seat next to her. She turned to look at him and he was grinning hugely at her. She felt her face take on a stony set. After a moment of staring, in which Potter’s face fell, he budged over so that a tired-looking Remus could slide in between them.

Lily resolutely avoided looking at Potter’s hurt expression after the fresh rejection and instead focused on Remus. Remus returned her greeting and started to fill his plate before something seemed to occur to him. “You think this food is safe for me, Lily? I wouldn’t want to get food poisoning.” Lily felt briefly embarrassed at her joke of the previous night but Remus was smiling so she figured it was probably okay.

Lily was aware that her slight of Potter was obvious to everyone around them, but no one said anything for the rest of the meal. She was not surprised, however, when Remus brought it up. Lunch was over and the two had peeled off to go to Ancient Runes. They were the only Gryffindors still taking it at the NEWT level.

“You’re still mad at James, then?” Remus asked, taking in Lily’s demeanor at the mention of Potter’s name.

She nodded. “We’ve been over all this already. After what he did last year, I just want some space.”

“I’m not trying to step on that, I just figured that things had changed,” he replied mildly.

“What do you mean?” Lily hedged. She was fairly certain she knew exactly what he meant but she was hoping she could stall this conversation for the time being.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work. “Well, you’re friends with Sirius again. He did pretty much the same stuff as James.”

Lily sighed at this. It had occurred to her, the hypocrisy of her behavior, but she still felt weird about James. A needling sense of unease played at the back of her mind. “Well… that’s different,” she tried, “after everything that happened, you know?”

“Everything like Sirius making a stupid reckless decision that almost killed someone and might have gotten me thrown in prison? That everything?” Lily glanced up at Remus, suddenly uncomfortable. He seemed to have forgiven Sirius, but it would make sense if he wasn’t over what had happened; but Remus simply looked incredulous and a bit annoyed, with a sarcastic glint behind his eye.

Lily shook her head and speed up, ducking into the Ancient Runes classroom. She took her usual seat. Unfortunately, Remus and Lily shared a table and he simply slotted in beside her. He looked ready to ask her again, so she made a great show of setting out her books and paying attention as the teacher bustled in.

“Very well class,” the professor started, “today we will continue working through our translation of Ajhad’s _On Human Transfiguration_. We’ll discuss findings at the end of the class.” Lily sighed. This was a common enough assignment; Lily suspected that the professor had a lot of grading to get through when they were given in-class work. The downside, in this case, was that as long as they kept their voices down, talking was permitted. Lily could practically feel Remus’ attention rotating back onto her.

“So what is the difference between Potter and Black?” he whispered pointedly. Lily knew that if she told him to shove off Remus would respect that, but she suddenly found that she did kind of want to talk about it.

“It’s… I’m not sure what the difference is, Remus,” she sighed. “I guess I need to figure it out, yeah?”

Remus shrugged. “Maybe not a terrible idea.” He grinned slightly, causing Lily to roll her eyes.

“They did the same stuff, I just, it bothered me more with Potter. Surprised me more, maybe?” Remus raised his eyebrows at this. Lily shrugged. She felt a bit stupid suddenly. Of course it wasn’t surprising. Potter and Black had been getting up to the same stuff for years. Lily sighed and turned back to her work. As she tried to decode the reprinting of the ancient spell book, her mind whirred. She was quite sure she was only barely understanding every third of fourth sentence, but her mind was filled with James Potter.

Her thoughts moved back over their past relationship. Over the months that she hadn’t been speaking to him, he was the main focus of her anger. It was always Potter and also Black; it was never mostly about Sirius. She thought back to the day by the lake. Potter had talk to her more but he hadn’t done anything worse to Snape. Was it because he asked her out? That was a massively stupid time to bait her like that, but it didn’t seem out of place for them.

Lily thought back further. She had used to talk to Potter more than Black she supposed. Black was a friend, but not a close one. They had been classmates more than anything else. The last few weeks were the closest they had ever been. Mostly, she watched Black make dumb jokes and do stupid stuff and either laughed or got annoyed.

Lily wasn’t sure what she and Potter were. They were friends but, like with Black, they weren’t exactly close. Despite this, they did a lot together; they competed and drove each other to be better in class and out, they worked surprisingly well together, they shared a sense of humor a lot of the time and they never used to miss a chance to talk. They had a kind of stilted repartee with a lot of teasing and banter that wasn’t really how either of them naturally spoke, but it felt so natural for the two of them and it made their occasional moments of frankness feel all the more special. He wasn’t someone she confided in generally, but she also felt like she could if she wanted to.

“I felt betrayed by Potter more than by Black,” she said quietly, causing Remus to glance up. “It wasn’t more surprising, it just mattered more.”

He nodded. “That makes sense.”

“Does it?” Lily replied, “Because I’d love to have it explained to me.”

Remus grinned. “Well you and Potter always had your… thing.”

“Rivalry,” supplied Lily. Remus looked like that was not the word he had in mind but shrugged and moved on.

“And Black is… how do I put this: a known idiot.”

Lily let out a shout of laughter and quickly smothered it under the sudden gaze of the professor. After a moment, she judged the coast to be clear again.

“Potter isn’t really a confidant but… I don’t know.” Lily shrugged. “He felt like someone I might be able to count on? And that made it hurt more.”

“So maybe tell him that?” Remus suggested.

Lily felt panic rise up. “No, absolutely not.”

“Come on, Lily…” Remus began.

“I didn’t have to talk to Black,” Lily retorted. “It just sort of worked itself out.”

“Right, but that’s Sirius,” Remus rejoined. “Anyone but James or I try to start a conversation with him about something serious, and he’ll just make puns about his name until you let him leave.”

Lily snorted. “I honestly don’t know why I like him,” she muttered.

“Oh, you don’t know half of it,” Remus replied, but he was smiling when he said it. “But you said James was someone you thought you could trust. That’s he’s someone you can talk to.”

“What are my other options?” Lily asked slowly.

“Never speak to him again, seems to be the way you’re going,” Remus replied. “And I don’t like that one, but I’m not going to tell you that you have to talk to him.” Lily felt grateful until Remus added, “because then you would probably avoid him forever out of spite.”

Lily glanced up at Remus, and then back down at her text. The conclusion came to her slowly, almost gently, and then with sudden force. “I don’t want to never speak to him again.” Lily thought about the day by the lake. Nothing about it had changed. Black, Potter and Snape had acted awfully, each in their own way. She had had cause to be angry at all three of them, but the fact was she couldn’t stay angry forever. It was unsustainable and, frankly, exhausting. Being angry could carry you through a lot, but it took something in return.

She wasn’t angry anymore, not at any of them. Well maybe a little bit, sometimes.  She also hadn’t spoken to any of them for months after, which gave her some perspective. When she started talking to Sirius again, she was surprised to find she had missed him. He was funny and nice to have around; an easy person to be friends with. Under all that, he was loyal and she was glad she had him on her side.

The other thing that she had been surprised by was how little she had actually missed Snape. He wasn’t kind or caring. He took care of her but he didn’t really care about her. It had taken her a long time to understand the difference. He would always do what he thought best for her, with no respect for what she wanted. He only liked people he decided were good enough; there was an admissions process to his respect and he was a harsh judge.

After they stopped being friends, Lily missed their friendship but only as a point of nostalgia. Beyond that, she found she had so much more energy. She had realized slowly, just how exhausting their friendship had been. He had taken and taken of her energy and her emotion and her time and he had given less and less in return.

What slowly dawned on Lily now was that she missed Potter, but not in the same way she had missed Sirius. With a shock, she realized that by the same token that she was angrier at Potter than she was at Sirius, she also missed him more. Her relationship with James took lots of her energy, but in a different way. Where with Snape she had to tread carefully through the minefields of his insecurity, with Potter she had to run to keep up with the boundless energy that he threw back at her and it was exhausting but it was also, purely and simply, a whole lot of fun.

James cared about people so much. He was nearly the polar opposite of Snape’s harsh judgment. James was someone who trusted everyone almost to a fault. His trust could be lost and he had an unfair bias against Slytherins ( _possibly unfair_ , Lily amended in her own head, thinking that Snape had always been the least awful SLytherin in their year to her eye), but he would give his all to people when first meeting them. Sirius may have been the most “cool” of the marauders and the most fanciable, at least from an outside prospective, but Potter was always the most popular with the first years, letting them in on the joke and making them feel welcome. He was like that with anyone who would let him.

Lily wasn’t sure how long she had been staring at her translations but when she glanced up, Remus was still looking at her out of the corner of her eye and quickly matched her stare. “Fine. I’ll talk to him,” she sighed. Remus grinned.

They settled into their translation, which they were both now woefully behind on, and worked in silence for a few minutes before Remus glanced up at her. “I thought maybe you were bothered because of the similarities with Snape.”

Lily glanced at Remus. “Similarities? I don’t know.”

“Well, they’re both smart and opinionated,” Remus supplied.

“I suppose,” Lily replied, “but Snape doesn’t respect anyone else’s opinion unless they’re agreeing with him. James likes disagreement.”

“Well, he likes when you disagree with him,” Remus said with a chuckle.

“He doesn’t get mad at other people just for contradicting him though.”

Remus shrugged. “That’s true.”

“I don’t think they’re very similar.”

Remus sucked on his teeth thoughtfully for a moment. Lily was about to tell him to spit it out when he did. “There’s also how flirty you and James are.”

“Flirty?” Lily asked, nonplussed.

“Well, he always used to ask you out.”

“As a joke,” Lily rebutted. Remus look at her strangely for just a moment.

“Okay, sure,” he said sardonically, “but that’s not a normal joke. That’s a flirty joke. Plus there’s the constant bickering and teasing. I don’t know.”

Lily mulled this over in her head. Was it flirty? Maybe a bit, she figured, but not on purpose. Was it possible to flirt on accident? Suddenly, another thought diverted her from this line of questions. “Wait, Remus, what does flirting have to do with Snape?”

Remus looked at her oddly and then suddenly looked awkward. “Well… you know.” Lily continued to peer at him, uncomprehending. Remus sighed. “Well, he was into you, right?”

“What? No,” Lily replied automatically. “We were friends. We’ve been friends since we were kids.”

Remus shrugged noncommittally. Lily scrambled through her head, weighing the implication of Remus’ statement. Snape had always made a point of complimenting Lily. She always told herself it was rather sweet but she had never seen Snape take much interest in anyone’s appearance. Goodness knew he didn’t do anything to cultivate his own.

Another thought crossed Lily’s mind. Snape had always been a pragmatist. He didn’t stick his neck out for anyone and he had always said that he befriended the other Slytherins to make living there easier. Lily had wondered at their continued friendship occasionally. She was aware of the opinions held by Snape’s friends, even as she tried not to be. She had occasionally let herself wonder why Snape would stick his neck out to be friends with her. Remus’ suggestion would offer an explanation; he wanted something very specific from her. 

Lily filed these thoughts away and tried to concentrate on her Rune translations. She and Remus both did poorly by the end of the class, but Lily was so busy with her thoughts that she barely even noticed. The day wore on and Lily weighed what Remus had said.

At the end of the day, Lily retreated to her room, her head still abuzz. Mary and Marlene were slowly preparing for bed as well. “I was talking to Remus today and he said something… interesting,” she tried. The other girls glanced up.

“Well, that’s ominous,” Marlene said sardonically.

“What did he say?” asked Mary at almost the same time.

“He said Snape was,” Lily fidgeted a bit. She hated even repeating it out loud. “That he was into me.” She glanced up quickly, gauging her roommates’ reactions. The room was permeated by a complete lack of surprise. “Seriously?” she asked weakly.

“Well yeah, probably,” Marlene replied with characteristic bluntness. “I mean we aren’t exactly in his confidence, but…” she shrugged.

“I figured you knew,” Mary added quietly.

Lily let out a slightly hysterical laugh. “So this whole time he was, I don’t know, lusting after me?” Lily shook her head. “I sound like my mom. This is fine.” She glanced up at the others for confirmation. “This is fine, right?”

Marlene shrugged. “I mean, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” Lily tried to smile and glanced over at Mary. The other girl peered at her for a moment.

“I don’t know, Lily, is it?” she asked with annoying calm.

“Well, sure,” Lily replied, trying to still her voice, which was shaking a little. “There’s no reason this should be a problem.” She sat down on her bed, trying to calm herself, aware that the others were still watching her warily. They were right; there was no reason this should be weird, right? Their relationship was over. At the thought of this, her mind spun off in another direction.

“What was our relationship?” Lily was surprised to hear that she had said this out loud. She looked up to see that she was still being watched.

“Well, you guys were just friends, yeah?” Marlene offered, looking a bit confused.

“I don’t know,” she replied, feeling lost, “was he ever my friend really? Or was he just trying to get in my knickers?”

The girls looked a little unsure what to do with this.  “I mean, we were friends for years,” Lily said a little desperately, “at some point he must have actually liked being friends, right?”

“Probably,” Marlene supplied uncertainly. Lily wasn’t as sure. She thought that Snape just had an intense way of looking at people, but maybe that was wrong. He had always looked at her oddly, almost hungrily. She felt herself blanch at the thought. Had he always wanted something or had he ever just enjoyed her company?

“He always used to tell me I was pretty. I figured he was sweet, you know, just complimenting me to make me feel good,” she glanced up at her dormmates. They both still looked worried. “He used to tell me I was smart too.”

“Well that’s better, right?” Mary asked encouragingly.

“I’m not sure,” Lily replied, “He didn’t…” Lily paused and roll the words around in her mouth. “He wouldn’t listen to my ideas unless he agreed with them. If we disagreed, he would just say I was wrong and leave it at that.” She shrugged. “I sort of took it for granted, but that’s not really… normal, is it?”

Mary shook her head and Marlene growled, “no, it is not.” Lily sighed and deflated a little.

“It sounds like he didn’t really respect you that much, Lily,” Mary supplied quietly.

Lily nodded slowly, shame rising in her gut. “I should have seen it. I should have known.”

Mary was beside her in a moment. “Hey, hey, no. You trusted him. You shouldn’t be embarrassed for trusting someone. It’s a good thing to do.”

“Doesn’t seem so good now,” Lily muttered.

“Well, good things don’t have to work out well all the time, I guess,” Mary reasoned.

Lily nodded at that slightly. Marlene stepped a little closer from where she had been standing back.

“Listen, Lil,” she said with uncharacteristic gentleness, “You’re one of the kindest people I know. You’re all sarcastic and stuff but under that… and you may not be soft kind like Mary,” Mary started to grumble something at this but Marlene waved her off, “but you’re still incredibly... well… kind.” Marlene was growing steadily redder. Lily felt a tugging sensation in her chest. Marlene was complimenting her! She didn’t know what to do with this but it was wonderful. “I just don’t want you to lose that, you know?” Having run out of things to say, Marlene looked away quickly. There was a moment of stretching silence.

“What are the odds I could seduce you away from Dorcas?” Lily asked finally. Mary let out a laugh.

“I’m telling her you said that,” Marlene said, grinning a little now, “she’ll be dead offended.”

“I can take her,” Lily replied.

“If you hurt her you’ll lose your chance with Marls though,” Mary said mischievously from beside her on the bed. Lily giggled at this. Silence fell again as Lily’s mind drifted back to Snape. The thought she had entertained over the summer, that he saw her as a beautiful animal; wonderful but not quite human, returned to her now. His probable crush on her threw fuel on the fire of her unease.

Her thoughts must have shown on her face because Mary touched her arm gently and said “Forget Snape. He’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve you.”

Lily smiled weakly at this. “Dating doesn’t have to be like this, does it?” She glanced up at Marlene as she said it, she was the one with experience in that area after all, but it was Mary who answered.

“I don’t think so,” she said reassuringly. Lily glanced over at her. “You just have to find people who respect you. And there are plenty of those about.”

“Yeah,” Lily said, “yeah. Even Potter manages to respect me most of the time.” She glanced up and saw Mary and Marlene exchange a look at this. Admittedly, she thought, it was odd to choose Potter as an example in the context of the conversation. By way of explanation she quickly added, “Remus and I talked about him some too. I promised Remus I’d try to mend fences a bit.”

The other girls looked quite pleased at this. Marlene smiled openly while Mary tried to look supportive rather than relieved and didn’t quite do a good enough job to fool Lily.

“That’s a good decision, I think,” said Mary gently.

Marlene muttered something that sounded an awful lot like “thank God.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I will be posting a supplemental short scene in the middle of the coming week that fits in this narrative but isn't from Lily's point of view.


	8. Reconciliation

The next day, Lily didn’t immediately go talk to James. He seemed to be giving her a reasonably wide berth after her most recent repudiation, and while the Gryffindor sixth years all ate in a group, he did not try to directly interact with Lily. As it turned out, he was the only one willing to wait patiently; Lily kept getting significant looks and prodding from Mary and Marlene and she could feel Remus watching her quietly. By lunch, Lily was pretty sure that Sirius and Peter also knew, as they spent the whole period staring. Lily would have sworn that even Dorcas, who was eating with them at the Gryffindor table, was staring, though she had never managed to catch her. Fortunately, through it all, it seemed that no one had told Potter of her promise.

Unfortunately, Potter was not an idiot. “So what did Evans do?” he asked as they left lunch.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Mary quickly.

“Nothing yet,” Sirius muttered.

Potter glanced at her in confusion and she shrugged. They had Transfiguration all afternoon and Lily sat as far from James as possible. Afterwards, he hurried up to the tower to change so that he could be the first one to the Quidditch pitch to prepare for practice. The season didn’t start for another month but he was already at it, according to Remus, and nervous about his newly acquired captain position.

After a brief whispered argument with Mary and Marlene, Lily hung back outside the portrait hole while the rest of the Gryffindors climbed in, casting her a wide variety of significant glances ranging from supportive (Mary) to suggestive (Sirius).

Lily stood outside of the door and tried to collect herself. She was very nervous and figured that a little rehearsal might help. It was then that she realized, with horror, that she had no idea what she wanted to say to Potter. She definitely needed to say something, it was just that she had no idea what it was.

Lily was immediately consumed with the thought of what a prat she would look like, talking to Potter without a single damn thing to say. She felt her palms grow damp with sweat. She was about to duck away from the common room and let James pass her by when he came out of the portrait hole and nearly walked right into her.

“Lily!” he exclaimed in shock.

“James,” she replied just as sharply. They stood frozen for a moment standing close enough together for Lily to notice the way he smelled.

“Well I should…” James pointed vaguely down the hallway. He turned and started walking down the hallway.

“James, wait!” Lily called after his retreating back, before she could second guess herself, “can I… can I walk you down?” That was safer than the dreaded phrase ‘we need to talk.’ James looked confused for a moment before nodding.

“Sure, if you like.” Lily found herself nodded back as she hurried forward, ignoring the slight smile that appeared at the corners of James’ lips. 

They turned and began walking and Lily wracked her brain for something to say. “So to what do I owe the pleasure?” James asked her, hitching up his best winning smile.

“Well, I was hoping to talk to you,” Lily hedged. James continued to peer at her questioningly. Lily sighed. “I’d like us to be friends again, I think.”

“Okay,” James grinned. “Happy to.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“Happy about it,” Lily replied. James’ face fell.

“Look, if this is about how we always have to spend time together, I can back off, you know? Just because we have friends in common…” he trailed off. “I’m not trying to force anything on you.”

Lily let out a small laugh. “Where was this last year when I had to tell you to back off every day for about two weeks?”

“Well that’s not fair,” James replied sharply, “we used to fight and make up all the time.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Well sure, that explains the first time you came back. Maybe even the first few times. But that was weeks James. Weeks of not getting the point.” James didn’t seem to have anything to say to that. A long silence reigned. Lily was just starting to think that maybe this was a bad idea when he spoke again.

“Sorry.” James said it quietly but in an oddly confident voice. Lily glanced up at him searching his face for sincerity. He looked up at her. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have crowded you I guess.”

Lily nodded. “Thanks.” She didn’t know quite what to say after that. There was still an odd tension drifting between them. She wanted to talk until it disappeared, to sweep it away until they were back to how they were before. She wondered if that was even possible.

“How did you do on your OWLs?” he asked suddenly, in a rush.

Lily glanced up at James and there was hope behind his eyes. “Almost all Os,” she allowed. “Es in Transfiguration and History of Magic.” James looked up at her, eyes widening and then he let out a massive ‘HA!’ that echoed down the empty hallway. Lily looked at him incredulously. “Did you beat me?”

“No! Better! We tied!”

“How is that better?” Lily asked incredulous.

“I don’t know. I’m too flushed with victory to think straight!” James crowed.

“It’s not a victory!” Lily rebutted quickly. “We tied!”

“Semantics,” James replied waving his hand dismissively.

“I’m not convinced that you know what that word means.”

“Words mean what I damn well tell them to mean!” James snapped imperiously. “You’ve got to remember to show those words who’s boss.”

“So when you say ‘we tied’,” Lily mused, “did those words actually mean ‘I, James Potter, got all Ts and only managed to come back for sixth year because of my wealthy parents?’”

“Yes, they made many large donations. The Great Hall is going to be renamed the ‘James Potter memorial food room’,” James fired back.

“Don’t you have to be dead for it to be memorial?”

“It’s precautionary, I assure you,” James replied hotly. “My parents are sure I won’t make it through the next year and a half.” Lily found herself giggling.

“What were your Es in, you tosser?” she asked trying her best to sound long suffering while still giggling.

“History of Magic and Potions. So if you need a really condescending Transfiguration tutor you know where to find me,” He replied still grinning like a loon.

“I’m perfectly good in Transfiguration,” Lily replied quickly, “It was just that the test was the day after…” she pulled up short. It had been the day after their fight and that was why she had not done as well as she hoped. She didn’t want to say that to James, but judging by the look on his face she didn’t need to. 

“Lily, it seems like you’re still kind of mad at me,” James said cautiously, not quite making eye contact. There was a sharp retort on the tip of Lily’s tongue but she managed to bite it back quickly.

“Maybe you’re right,” she supplied softy, “and I have good reason to. But I don’t want to be, you know?”

“You sound like Remus.”

Lily smiled. “I think I may have had the same conversation with him that you did.”

“Well, I would also like us to be okay,” James said gently. “You and Sirius seem to get along again.” Lily nodded. “Well, what did he do?” James asked hopefully. “How did he make it up to you?”

“He didn’t really,” Lily allowed guardedly. “We just sort of started talking again.”

“Well, can we just start talking again?” Potter asked.

“Apparently not,” Lily sighed. She glanced up at Potter and saw a mix of hurt and confusion drifting across his face. “Well, don’t be like that,” she muttered.

“Well, what should I be like?” Potter replied, sounding subdued.

Lily shrugged. “Black didn’t need to make it up to me because… I don’t know.” Lily sighed. “Black’s kind of an idiot.”

“He is not,” James replied sharply. Lily glanced up and found him looking at her with defensiveness and annoyance apparent in his face.

“Well, okay, yeah he’s not,” Lily replied quickly. Clearly this line of thinking went over better with Remus. “But he does stupid stuff all the time. I’m used to it.”

“And you’re not used to it from me?”

This brought Lily up short. That was an excellent point and there was no real refuting it. “But you’re…” Lily trialed off. “We’re friends.”

“But you and Sirius are friends,” Potter replied. Lily wasn’t looking at him anymore but from the corner of her eye she could see the beginning of a smile. 

“Well, yeah… but we’re…” Lily hedged. “Well, you know.”

“Are you trying to say that you have a special fondness for me?” James asked, now positively beaming.

“That makes it sound like you’re an old rich person’s favorite dog,” Lily replied in her best acrid voice.

“I’m telling everyone you said I was your best friend,” James shot back.

Lily let out a relieved breath at the phrase ‘best friend’ even though there was obviously no reason to feel relieved. Remus must be getting to her head with all his talk. Lily put the thought aside and went back to teasing, always safe ground with Potter. “Go ahead. No one will believe you. Plus, Black’ll be dead offended.” James laughed, but Lily charged on, desperate to get all of her thoughts out. “I guess I rely on you a bit. We’re rivals but… well, look, I don’t think there’s a way to say this without sounding like I’m trying to be your mum, but I expected better of you.”

James suddenly looked very serious. “Well, good. I mean, I want you to expect better of me. Or to expect a lot. And then I can do a lot.” He glanced up at her. “You know what I mean?”

Lily realized that at some point they had stopped walking and were standing facing each other in an empty hallway. By this point they were just a little way from the Entrance Hall. “Good,” Lily replied quickly. “I mean, yes. I know what you mean.”

They stood another moment longer. “I’ve been…” James began uncertainly before stuttering to a stop and running his hand though his hair. “Since everything with Sirius I’ve been thinking about, like, responsibility and stuff. Some things can’t be fixed, you know?”

“Like werewolf bites,” Lily supplied softly.

“Yeah,” James replied, still very serious, “Or death.” He glanced up at her and Lily felt her heart speed up. There was something so vulnerable in his eyes in that moment. “It’s… I mean, we’re growing up and with everything going on,” he motioned vaguely out the nearest window toward the edge of the grounds and the world beyond it, “There are consequences.” He finished with a shrug. Lily glanced out the window. The reality of the wizarding world, largely forgotten in the recent drama rushed in on them like a hollow, dry wind.

Lily nodded, not quite sure what she wanted to say; feeling distinctly like there was something else. “But even if it’s not permanent,” she began, “there are consequences. Magic is,” she waved her hand in a wide sweeping arc as if to encompassing everything. Magic was Lily’s whole world. It had elevated it and remade it. It had redefined what life was and what it could be, “it’s amazing but sometimes I think it makes fixing things too easy. You can do so much to someone and then McGonagall can put it right in a second. I’m not sure if that’s good.”

James nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe you’re right.”

“You can’t just destroy something, even if you fix it after. It’s not the same.”

The two of them stood there not quite looking at each other. The tension in the hallway was palpable. Lily wasn’t sure what she wanted from James. This was completely uncharted territory. There was no getting around this with a joke, it was too raw. She didn’t know what she wanted but she was aching for it, whatever it was.

“I think you’re right,” James said softly. Lily felt her eyes pull up to his. “I still remember the first time I broke my arm. I was eight and I’d just gotten my first real broomstick, like full speed capabilities and all. I flew it straight into a tree and then fell off about twenty feet.” Lily noticed that James was rubbing a small circle on his lower arm. She was fairly sure he didn’t know he was doing it. “My mom put it right in a jiff but I can still remember how it felt when it snapped. The bones moving in the wrong direction.”

Lily, who had never broken a bone, nodded mutely. That was it exactly, she supposed, the thing that frightened her most about the kids who had grown up with magic. “I’m scared, James,” she heard herself say it, quiet and pleading, before she ever realized she was going to. “It’s so bad out there, and every time I read about a Muggle-born getting attacked I just want to run and hide.” Suddenly, he was hugging her. He was a bit taller than her and she found her mouth jammed awkwardly against his shoulder. In spite of this, it felt wonderful and she twined her arms around his middle. They stood like that for a moment and then Lily let out a breath. “Don’t you have Quidditch, James?”

“They don’t need me,” he said stubbornly into her hair.

“Aren’t you the captain?” he huffed a laugh against the top of her head and pulled away.

“And here I was thinking we were having a nice moment.”

“It’ll be a nice moment when you leave,” Lily muttered, trying to bring her old bravado back. She was pretty sure it came out more like a whine but he laughed anyway.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint,” he replied, turning away, “Later, Evans!”

“Try not to fall off your broom Potter!” she called back.

“I grew out of that habit!” he was at the end of the hallway holding the banister of the stairs down to the Entrance Hall, “Plus I wouldn’t want to ruin my pretty face.”

“I’m more worried about you hitting your head! I wouldn’t want to beat you too easy this year!”

“Cocky for someone who could only manage…”

“Will you two shut up!” bellowed a portrait of a severe looking old wizard in the middle of the hall between them. “It is nearly seven thirty pm. Some of us like to get to bed early.” James let out a laugh and disappeared down the stairs while Lily tried to keep a straight face. As she turned away, she was fairly sure she heard the portrait mutter. “Can’t abide shouting after dinner. Bad for the digestion, I say!”

Lily hurried back up to the common room trying to look as normal as possible. She found that she was having trouble stopping herself from grinning like an idiot. She collected herself as she climbed through the portrait hole, only to find herself facing the entire rest of the Gryffindor class of 1978. They appeared to have stopped just inside the portrait hole and arranged themselves over the nearest chairs they could find. Sirius even appeared to have pulled a chair that normally had its back to the portrait hole around to face it, creating then sense that Lily was standing on the stage of a small amphitheater. As she climbed in, the whole group turned to face her expectantly. Lily felt her cheeks flushing red.

“All good!” Lily said quickly. She could see Sirius opening his mouth to say god-knows-what and so she quickly added, “Right well, I’m off to bed.” As she hurried toward the stairs, she realized that it was still quite early and that that was probably the strangest thing she could have done. The weird energy of her encounter with James still buzzed around her head.

As she busied herself around her trunk, pulling out some homework and figuring she could do it while sat on her bed, until a more reasonable time to try and sleep, she heard the door open behind her. She supposed that she should have assumed that retreating upstairs wouldn’t totally put off questions, but at the least the group entering could not contain Sirius’ pushiness and Remus’ astuteness.

“Hey, Lily,” Mary said somewhat gently. “You guys are okay, then?”

“Me and James? Yeah, like I said, all good.”

“Well, that’s good,” Mary said. Lily could see her smiling out of the corner of her eye, Marlene hovering just over her shoulder. For a moment there was silence and Lily thought that she was going to get away with it.

“Why are you being weird, then?” Marlene asked sharply. Lily supposed that she should have known better than to be relieved. Marlene was as bad as Sirius sometimes.

“I’m not,” she said quickly.

“You kind of are, though,” Mary replied calmly. “It’s okay if everything didn’t go well, you know. I know we wanted you guys to make up, but if something happened…” Mary trailed off sympathetically.

“No. No, it went really well, actually,” Lily replied. “We’re friends again and everything.”

“So this is you after a good conversation with James?” Marlene asked incredulously. “You guys and your whole thing are so weird, I swear.”

Lily decided that she didn’t want to know what their ‘whole thing’ was, so she just shrugged and turned back to her work. After a moment, the girls seemed to decide that there was nothing more to be had out of her, so they settled down. The three of them had a fairly productive night sitting in a circle on their dormitory floor and working on homework.

The next day, Lily’s world fell into something like its old routine. All seven of the Gryffindor sixth years sat comfortably at breakfast together, taking up too much space and being loud enough to get annoyed looks from the teachers’ tables; a sight that hadn’t been seen in the Great Hall since the previous schoolyear.

Lily had half-expected the boys, and particularly Sirius, to grill her at the first chance they got but they didn’t treat her oddly at all. Lily suspected that James had made them promise not to, which she quite appreciated. Nevertheless, Lily decided to try and avoid being alone with the Marauders at least for a little while. She found that she rather hoped that James hadn’t told them about their talk in any kind of detail.

She managed this fairly well up until the evening, when she had patrol with Remus. Lily was glad that Remus would be the first of them to talk to after everything. If James had said anything, Lily knew Remus wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

They fell into easy conversation as they began their patrol. Remus talked lightly as if he wasn’t wondering about the whole situation with James. Lily slowly realized that it was possible that she was the only one who was obsessing over the conversation. It was possible that Remus was genuinely disinterested and simply happy that his friends were getting along once more.

After a period of deliberation, Lily decided that she should just ask. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? “Remus?” she said suddenly.

“Lily?” he replied, looking up at her.

“I’m dying to ask about what James told you about our talk,” Lily felt her cheeks heat up but she determinedly held Remus’ gaze. There was nothing wrong with being direct.

Remus leveled a thoughtful gaze at Lily for a moment but then shrugged, dropping his eyes, a small smile playing on his lips. “Go on, then.”

Lily looked at him for a moment, incredulous and then let out an annoyed huff. He was going to make her ask. “Really? Fine. What did Potter say about our conversation?”

Remus grinned. “Very little. He seemed pleased though.”

Lily nodded. She wasn’t sure what she had hoped for anyway. “That’s good.”

Remus grinned at her. “You seem keen to be friends again, suddenly.”

“I’ve been keen on it for a while, I just wasn’t sure if it would work.” Remus smiled and shook his head Lily swatted at him with annoyance and Remus suddenly froze. For a second Lily thought she had done something wrong and then she realized that he was looking over her shoulder. Lily suddenly didn’t want to turn around. She could feel the ominous presence of space behind her. She was standing in the entrance of a long hallway. Remus looked very pale. After a moment, he stepped forward past Lily and she turned to follow.

The scene that greeted her stopped her short. Lily saw Mary kneeling on the floor staring up into the face of the worst of Snape’s friends, Mulciber. He was half-turned away from where Lily and Remus stood but she could tell that he had his wand extended. It looked as if Mary was being pushed down into the floor. From the corner of her eye, Lily saw Remus reach for his wand, strictly against Prefect protocol, but before he even had it out of his robes, Mulciber flicked his wand in a complicated motion and muttered a spell that Lily did not know, his voice laced with malice. For a second, it seemed like nothing had happened, but then Mary let out a strangled cry and reach up.

As she raised her hand, Lily saw it disappear. It did not scar or cut and it did not vanish messily as with a Splinch or a transfiguration accident. It simply was as if it had never been, no scaring and no blood, it was simply gone. After a moment, as Mary raised her arm further, the disappearance spread up toward her elbow as more arm vanished. Mary reached out as if to clutch her vanishing arm with the other hand, but her hand scrabbled pointlessly against the stump. At that moment, she began to scream.

“Mulciber!” Remus shouted, raising his wand. At the call, Mary and Mulciber both started around and Mary’s scream snapped into silence and then she opened her mouth again but Mulciber flicked his wand lazily and no sound came out. The shout also shook Lily out of her shock and she scrabbled for her wand as well.

As she drew it out, Mulciber turned and addressed Remus lazily. “Ah, Lupin, see you brought me another Mudblood to play with.” He shot Lily a grin that sent a chill through her blood.

“Put down the wand,” Remus intoned, his voice a hard forced calm. “You’re outnumbered.” Lily inwardly wondered if it would be enough. Mulciber was a year older and, though he’d never done too well in class as far as Lily knew, he had always had a pension for a certain kind of extracurricular magic that left people in the hospital wing.

“You two can still just walk away,” he replied calmly. “I’m not going to damage it permanently.” It took Lily a moment to realize ‘it’ meant Mary. She glanced down at the girl. Mary’s mouth was still opening and closing soundlessly and her eyes were wide, pleading. She raised what was left of her arm as the absence of arm crept past her elbows and Lily felt something snap inside her.

A sting of hexes flew through her head and she must have said at least one of them aloud because there was suddenly a flash of light. Mulciber threw himself to the side of the hallway, away from Mary, and a blast of red light leapt forward from his wand. Lily was already rushing up the hallway toward Mary and it flew over her shoulder. Something bright passed the other way as well, and Lily dove to the floor toward Mary.

From the corner of her eye, Lily could see Mulciber stepping back along the hallway, so both she and Remus were in his field of vision at once. Remus had apparently joined the fray with abandon because Mulciber had been forced to cast a shield charm in front of him. It flickered for a moment, pale and transparent.

Lily traced her wand along Mary’s arms, forcing her panicked mind to focus on the human transfiguration work they had been doing this year. Somehow it seemed impossibly distant, but she was pretty sure she was doing it right. Nevertheless, the malady progressed. Lily distantly thought that the fact that it was still moving up Mary’s arm despite Mulciber’s concentration going elsewhere probably meant it was a curse.

Lily heard a yelp. Glancing up she saw that Remus, who was nearly beside her, had doubled over clutching at his shoulder. Mulciber laughed and raised his wand for another stroke, but Lily waved her wand at him sharply and he was forced to divert his attention to deflect her hex into a wall beside him.

Lily flicked her wand down toward his feet hitting the stone behind his heel. Mulciber raised his wand, stepping back and as his foot hit the stone where Lily’s spell had impacted it slid as if on ice, sending him spinning into an odd crouch, both hands planted on the stone floor.

Lily flicked her wand and thought ‘Levicorpus.’ At the same moment, over her shoulder she heard Remus shout, “Repulso!”

Mulciber barely had time glance up as both spells struck him in quick succession. He spun as he was lifted by his ankle and his face hit the ground with a wet crack. As he spun into the air, Remus’ spell hit his chest with a flash of light. It caused his upper body to shoot back while his ankle maintained it newly acquired placed in the air. He swung like a pendulum and his back crashed into the ceiling. The last proved to be too much for Lily’s spell and, with a resounding crash, Mulciber fell heavily to the floor.

A ringing silent stillness descended on the hallway. Lily could suddenly hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears, sounding so loud is seemed as if Remus must also be able to hear it.

After a moment, Lily’s brain shuddered back into gear. “Remus, help me,” she called over her shoulder, turning back to Mary.

Remus was at her side in a moment and began waving his wand in a complicated pattern. Lily, for her part, muttered every counter curse and anti-enchantment she could think of. Despite their combined efforts, the nothingness continued to travel up toward Mary’s shoulder. Mary looked up at Lily with silent pleading eyes.

“Remus, go get someone,” she snapped. Remus had gone stalk still and was staring down at Mary’s arm. “McGonagall or…” Remus shook himself and scrambled away. Lily looked down at Mary.

“Lily, please,” Something in their efforts must have broken the Silencing Charm. Mary’s voice was soft now, intoning.

Lily scrambled for something to do, wracking her brain. It wouldn’t transfigure, countercharms had failed and Lily didn’t know the counter-curse. Lily suddenly, perversely, wished that Snape was there. He knew his defense. Though odds were he’d probably taught Mulciber the curse, Lily thought bitterly. Suddenly, her mind shot back to the night before the OWL studying with Snape in the library. An odd notion struck her. She leveled her wand at Mary.

“Mary, this will probably hurt and it might not work.”

“Help me,” Mary muttered through gritted teeth.

With a twirl of her wand, Lily cast a Freezing Charm on Mary’s arm. A blue light spread across her skin and remained. For a moment, Lily thought the vanishing had stopped but then she realized it had only slowed considerably. The Vanishment Curse was still creeping its way up Mary’s arm, but Lily’s spell was buying time, how long she didn’t know.

The area where Lily had cast her spell was now frosted with ice, and Mary, looking pale, had begun to shiver. Lily’s first instinct was to warm her but she dared not.

“It’ll be all right, Mary,” Lily said, struggling to keep her own voice from breaking. “I’ve got you.” Lily began to reach comfortingly for Mary’s retreating arm and then thought better of it. After a moment, Lily clasped Mary’s face in her hand, holding her firmly. “I’m here.”

“Lily, please,” Mary’s voice had gone soft and she was pale and faint. Lily wondered what the sudden disappearance of an arm did to circulation or if this was the effects of Lily’ own spell. “Please, Lily. Please. Please.” Mary’s voice faded to silence but her mouth kept working and her eyes never left Lily’s face.


	9. Surviving

Lily’s knees were going numb. She was crouched on the floor beside Mary, her eyes fixed on her face. She wasn’t sure how long she had been there, it could have been a moment or hours. Cold was radiating from the flagstones up into her legs, and the floor was hard and uncomfortable. She began to try and shift her weight, her legs barely responding to the sluggish command of her brain, which felt oddly like it was underwater.

“Move please, Miss Evans.”

The voice was calm but forceful. Lily spun awkwardly, raising her wand, and found it trained between the piercing blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore.

Lily let out a breath that she thought she must have been holding for several minutes at least. It came out sounding something like a sob. She scrambled to the side and, despite his age, Dumbledore dropped quickly, almost gracefully to the floor beside Mary’s now still form.

Lily suddenly realized that she didn’t know when Mary had gone still. The girl looked as if she was asleep, except that her eyes were half lidded revealing a strip of empty white at the bottom in place of iris and pupil.

“What happened?” Dumbledore asked, still firm but not unkind.

“Mulciber did something to her arm. It was vanishing. I don’t know,” Lily took a breath and managed to slow down. “We tried to stop it but we couldn’t.”

“We?” Dumbledore asked as he began to preform and complicated motion with his wand over Mary’s arm.

“Remus and I. He went to look for someone.”

“And the Freezing Charm?”

Lily swallowed. “That was me. I hoped it would help.”

Dumbledore smiled. “A clever idea.”

Lily breathed out again. “Will she be all right?”

“Yes. In fact…” he made a final swish of his wand. To Lily’s relief, Mary’s arm in a sudden spurt began to regrow. “No real harm done, I should think. Not to her body, in any case.” He smiled sadly just as Remus came clattering around the corner with a very disheveled-looking Professor McGonagall.

“What is going on here?” she demanded in a peaky voice, slightly out of breath from her run. “Albus! Thank goodness.”

Dumbledore glanced up at her and said, “Minerva, excellent!” as if he had been anticipating her arrival. “You and Mr. Lupin take Miss McDonald up to the hospital wing and have Poppy summon Horace. I have reversed the effects of the curse for now, but we may find ourselves in need of a Disenchanting Draught in the morning.” To her credit, Professor McGonagall only looked overwhelmed for a moment before she sprang into action, conjuring a stretcher from thin air.

Dumbledore, meanwhile, hurried over to the supine form of Mulciber, calling Lily after him. “What happened here?” he asked her.

“We had to duel him to make him stop,” Lily said somewhat sheepishly. Official Prefect procedure was to get a teacher in a dangerous situation such as this one. Dumbledore just nodded and glanced at her expectant. “He hit his head on the ceiling,” Lily continued, “and fell pretty hard.” Dumbledore nodded and waved his wand quickly over the nasty gash on Mulciber’s head. It knitted itself closed promptly.

“A Restorative Draught will be required after a hit on the head like that. And perhaps a blood replenishing potion,” he allowed, and Lily suddenly realized that they were standing in a pool of blood. “Beyond that, I should think a little bruising will be the worst of it.”

Lily nodded mutely. She was relieved that she hadn’t hurt Mulciber any worse, for both his sake and her own. On some level she felt mad at herself for that, as if she should revel in his suffering after what he had done to Mary. Mostly, as she help Dumbledore load Mulciber on another stretcher and carry him to the hospital wing, Lily simply felt tired. As she stumbled into the infirmary, Lily caught sight of the clock on the wall, and realized that less than half an hour had passed since she and Remus had been talking about her friendship with Potter. It felt days before somehow. 

The next few hours passed in a blur. Lily stood uselessly near the door of the hospital wing. Teachers came in and out, peering at Mary in her bed and muttering softly with Dumbledore. Lily quickly got the impression that, however cheery Professor Dumbledore had sounded about his counter spell and Mary’s prospects, the problem was far from solved.

Mulciber woke up about an hour into Lily’s vigil. He had been put in the furthest bed from Mary and screens had been pulled around both, but Lily heard his voice. Dumbledore went behind his screen for a few minutes and emerged looking pensive. He spoke closely after that with a distressed-looking Professor Slughorn, who was Mulciber’s Head of House. 

Slowly, the stream of people going to Mary’s bed slowed to a stop. Remus, who was sitting a little way away from Lily, came over and nodded at the bed. “I reckon she’s all right now. It seems like they’ve done what they needed to.”

“Or just what they could,” Lily muttered. She was feeling rather bleak and hopeless, but despite all of that she supposed Remus was probably right.

“Pomfrey looks happy,” he said, nodding to the young matron as she emerged from behind Mary’s screen and walked back to her office. She did indeed look pleased and when she entered her office, Lily saw the woman sit heavily in her chair. It was the first time she’d sat down since before Dumbledore and Lily had turned up with Mary.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked. Lily was pretty sure he could tell she wasn’t, and this wasn’t really supposed to be a yes or no question. She shrugged.

“It’s just… Hogwarts is supposed to be safe. But this is the war. I mean, not exactly, but this is what we read about in the Prophet every day. An attack on a… on a Muggle-born.” Lily found she was barely able to say that last part.

Remus nodded slowly. “I suppose that’s true, isn’t it.”

Lily was suddenly glad that he hadn’t tried to argue with her. There was a relief to naming these events, to admitting what was happening.

“May I speak to you two in my office, please?” Dumbledore was suddenly standing in front of them again. Remus nodded and Lily stood quickly and followed the old man out. As Lily went, she glanced back at the two screens in the hospital room. She saw that between them, Professor Slughorn had set down a chair facing Mulciber’s screen with his back to Mary’s. He sat there like a statue, looking unusually serious. Behind him, McGonagall stood also facing Mulciber’s screen, also directing between it and Mary’s. As the door closed behind her, Lily noticed that they both had their wands naked in their hands. Her own words came back to her. The war had come to Hogwarts.

Lily’s mind was so full that she barely registered anything until she found herself being directed to a chair beside Remus, in a round room that must be Dumbledore’s office. The headmaster took a seat behind a large desk across from them.

“Tell me what happened, please,” he said politely and sat forward with his fingers steepled, peering at them expectantly. At the question, Lily suddenly felt exhausted, the whole night washing over her. She glanced at Remus. Luckily, it seemed that he had recovered himself somewhat. He glanced at her and smiled reassuringly and then launched into his story. Lily did very little talking, only adding commentary occasionally, when she felt he was leaving something out.

Dumbledore listened politely. Remus ground to a halt with Lily sending him to find a teacher. “And then I ran straight to McGonagall’s office. I knew a secret passage so it wasn’t too far.” Dumbledore nodded and then turned his focus to Lily. She realized that she was expected to round out the account at this point.

“I… well, I sat with Mary, and I cast the Freezing Charm on her arm. Then I waited and you showed up pretty soon after, Professor.” Dumbledore nodded at this.

“Well done, under the circumstances,” he said gently. “I think that will be all for tonight. I must ask you not to speak to anyone about this.”

“But sir,” said Remus sharply, “don’t you think people have a right to know?”

Professor Dumbledore’s blue eyes rotated heavily to Remus. “Discretion is the better part of valor, Mr. Lupin,” he said. “In any case, I daresay this is Mary’s story to tell.”

Remus looked like he was about to protest, but Lily was overcome with worry. “She’ll be alright, won’t she sir?”

“She will,” Dumbledore replied firmly, “though it may take her mind much longer to heal than her body, I’m afraid.”  He stood. “If there are no more questions, I think you two should be off to bed. It is past curfew, you know.” They stood and walked to the door, but as they neared it, Lily glanced back. “Was there something else, Miss Evans?” Dumbledore asked glancing up at her.

“How did you get there so fast, sir? I mean, how did you know to come at all?”

Dumbledore smiled. “There are many watchful eyes at Hogwarts, Miss Evans. One of the paintings saw what was happening and ran to find me.”

Lily nodded. As they left the office, Lily was aware of the eyes of the paintings around them. It was a little creepy, though she was glad it brought Dumbledore tonight. Lily and Remus walked back to Gryffindor tower in silence.

 As they climbed through the portrait hole, Lily glanced up to find herself being watched. James, Sirius and Peter seemed to be waiting up for Remus’ return. They hurried forward at the sight of them.

“Evans,” said James quickly, seeming not to want to miss an opportunity to greet her.

“Potter,” she replied. “Others,” she tried to adopt a light teasing tone. She didn’t want to talk about this at the moment. James looked at her oddly, but everyone else seemed to be fooled.

“I liked it better when you two were fighting. At least I got some respect around here,” Sirius drawled lazily.

“No one respects you,” James and Lily said simultaneously, almost automatically.

“Good lord,” Sirius muttered. Peter giggled.

“Is everything all right?” James asked, rushing on, apparently not distracted by Sirius’ comments. 

Sirius perked up at this. “Yeah, what had you guys out so late? Were you overwhelmed by the number of people making out in empty classrooms?” He paused and seemed to consider something. “Were you making out in an empty classroom?”

 “Ew,” Lily responded somewhat dramatically, once again hoping she could avoid answering questions.

“I feel the same way, Lily, but you don’t have to sound so disgusted,” Remus rejoined from behind her, finally jumping into the conversation.

“Well, thank god for that,” said Sirius with no other explanation. “So, Remus, what were you two up to?”

Remus glanced up at Lily.  She sighed and shrugged. “Hey, they’re my friends,” Remus muttered.

“What’s going on?” James asked sharply.

“There was a… problem… tonight,” Remus said guardedly. All three boys spoke at once.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, seemingly directing the question exclusively at Remus.

“Was anyone hurt?” James fired at them.

“What happened?” Peter added to the din.

Lily shushed them, as people around the common room had glanced up at the cacophony. “Everyone is going to be okay,” she added softly. The group tightened at her quiet voice. Lily supposed that the Marauders were well used to secrets.

“Going to be?” James asked apprehensively. Lily glanced at Remus.

“Like I said, I can deal with this lot,” he said, not unkindly.

“Okay,” Lily replied, then a thought struck her. “I never asked: how’s your shoulder?”

Remus made a dismissive motion with his hand. “Pomfrey patched it right up. She was done before you got up there with Mary.” Lily nodded, but this exchange only drew new questions from the others.

“Pomfrey?” Sirius shot at Remus.

“Where’s Mary?” Peter asked, glancing around the common room.

“Go to bed,” Remus muttered to her. “I’ll fill this lot in.”

Lily nodded and turned away from the group. The common room had started to take on a hazy, too bright quality in the last few minutes as her exhaustion settled over her. As she stumbled to bed, Lily heard Marlene say something to her, and felt a little bad for a moment at the prospect of leaving her guessing, but as she fell into her bed, all thought went out of her mind. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

The next few days were disjointed and strange. It seemed that by breakfast the next days, news of the attack had spread to the whole student body. Lily wondered if the paintings were to blame. She avoided talking about what had happened, except with Marlene and Remus, but she overheard enough conversations to become aware of a split in opinion.

Some people bemoaned the horror of what happened, but in other conversations that Lily overheard, a counter-narrative was developing. She heard people talk dismissively about the incident as a prank. She heard that year’s Defense teacher, who Lily had never really liked, say something dismissive about kids causing problems. People brought up how it had easily been set right. A very subdued Mary returned to class two days after the attack, and people pointed to that as proof of the triviality of the curse. Lily had never seen Mary seem so unlike herself, quiet and tense.

Mulciber had not returned to class. He had been suspended since the incident. The rumor was that Dumbledore had tried to have him expelled but that the board of governors had blocked the action. When the subject was broached, Sirius had much to say on the topic of pure-bloods and bitterly assured them all that Mulciber would be back before long.

His prediction, sadly, proved to be right. As October faded into November, Mulciber did return to class, though on intense academic and behavioral probation for the remainder of his last year at the school. Fortunately, they had no classes with seventh years, but Mary still tensed up when she saw him in the hallways.

At first, he had taken up the perverse habit of greeting her in a friendly way every time they passed in the halls, something that invariably ruined Mary’s composure and mood for the rest of the day. After several of these incidents, Mulciber spent another few days in the hospital wing, having been Transfigured rather badly. According to rumor, it took McGonagall all night to work out what had been done to him and set it right. After that, he gave Mary a sufficiently wide berth in the halls. Lily had never been happier to suspect the Marauders of something.

In general, Mary was in a sorry state. She was nervous and twitchy and she never went anywhere alone. Apparently, she had been on her way back up from the library where she had been studying with some friends from Hufflepuff. Mulciber had happened on her alone in the hall and attacked.

The randomness of the attack seemed to hang on to Mary’s mind like a leech. Often, quietly and almost to herself, she would mutter, “I wasn’t doing anything. I just wanted to go to bed.” Whenever people would bring the attack up to Mary, something that happened quite often at first, she would repeat this phrase. “I just wanted to go to bed.”

Lily took to shooing people away from her and eventually resorted to handing out detentions. The rest of the Gryffindors all seems to have their own way to defend Mary. Eventually it worked, or else people just got bored. Lily still stuck close to Mary, finding that she had to help her keep track of homework assignments and remind her to eat. At best, Mary seemed distracted and nervous. On her worse days, she seemed completely disengaged from everything around her, drifting though her life.

The next few weeks went by in a way that made Lily feel odd. The strangest thing was how normal everything felt outside her closest circles. Life in the castle went on as usual. The attack on Mary was quickly dropped as gossip in the lead up to the first Quidditch match of the year, Gryffindor versus Slytherin. The idea that Lily couldn’t shake, that the attack fundamentally changed things at the castle, seemed at first not to be shared. Eventually, however, Lily realized that perhaps this was not the case.

There was a fanatic fervor to the way people talked about Quidditch. It had always been a point of pride and excitement for a lot of people, but now it reached new heights. There was an intensity in the way people in Gryffindor tower talked about the match; a seriousness that Lily had never seen before. It wasn’t until a few nights before the game that Lily made the connection.

She was sitting with James quietly doing her homework, an activity that she had slipped back into like it was the most natural thing in the world. As she worked, Lily half-listened to a fourth year talk nervously to Potter about the match. James loved to talk Quidditch and was at his personable best when discussing the game. People would always come up to him in the days before the match to discuss his team’s prospects. Lily thought that this sort of attention would make her nervous, but James seemed to feed off of it. As the conversation was winding down, the fourth year said, “And with everything, you know, it’ll be good to remind them what we can do.” He looked nervous and extremely serious when he said it. James nodded, and the kid walked away.

“Sorry about that,” he said, pulling his homework toward him again. This was the fourth interruption of this sort in the last hour.

“It’s what I signed up for, Mr. Popular,” Lily muttered and James grinned at her. She felt herself grin back. He wasn’t someone you could just not smile at, in her opinion. “Do you get that a lot?” she asked.

“Get what a lot?”

“The whole ‘show them what we can do’ bit.”

James paused and thought for a moment. “Only just this year,” he concluded. “With everything, people just need an outlet. Especially since…” he trailed off. Lily hadn’t talked much to anyone about Mary. She thought again about her newly discovered tendency to put up walls in her life, to not talk to people about things. She figured maybe sometimes it was okay, but in this case she didn’t particularly want to.

“After Mary,” she finished resolutely.

“Well, yeah,” he said.

“It’s a novel idea.”

“It was your idea,” he said, and Lily looked up to see him grinning. “Ages ago, you told me I should settle things out on the pitch.”

Lily remembered that conversation more that she wanted to admit, since it was just about their last one before they stopped talking. “I guess it was. You should listen to me more, Potter,” she grinned.

He let out a laugh. “Please, I hang on to your every word.”

“Sure you do,” she was still grinning at him but he suddenly looked serious.

“You were right about another thing. Just because we can put something right with magic doesn’t mean it’s okay that it happened in the first place,” he looked embarrassed, almost ashamed. “Mary hasn’t been… it’s been hard for her.”

Lily, who could hear Mary’s nightmares from her bed, nodded. James was looking down at his lap now but Lily couldn’t stop looking at him. “Well, at least you can kick their asses on the field tomorrow,” she said. He looked up at her and his face split into a wide grin.

“You’ll cheer for me?”

“I always do,” Lily said, and she could feel her ears turning bright red as she buried herself back in her work.

The day of the match dawned icy clear. The ground was frozen hard but began to grow damp as soon as the sun rose over the mountains. Lily woke bright and early and feeling strangely nervous. The conversation from the night before was still running around in her head and she felt, strongly in her gut, the need for a win. Something to make her feel less helpless in the face of the changing climate at the school.

When Lily got down to breakfast, she got the distinct impression that she was not the only one feeling that way. A palpable tension hung over the Gryffindor table. The team sat up at one end clumped close together. Lily wandered up and sat down beside Marlene, who was decked out in her Quidditch uniform and playing nervously with a piece of toast. She looked a little ill and Dorcas was sitting on her other side, rubbing small circles on her back.

“How is she?” Lily asked Dorcas.

“I can still talk,” Marlene muttered.

“So how are you feeling?” Lily replied, shifting her focus to Marlene.

“Good, good. Fine. Good,” said Marlene in a higher than usual voice. Lily smiled and glanced up at the rest of the team.

“Sure you are,” Dorcas cooed in a voice so serious it might just be bitingly sarcastic.

“You’re no help,” Marlene muttered.

“Sorry, I’ll just go,” Dorcas replied, but made no move to stand. After a moment of silence, Lily decided she had waited long enough that she wasn’t interrupting.

“Where’s James?”

This seemed to focus Marlene for a moment, “Well it’s nice to know what I’m worth, Lily.”

“What?” snapped Lily, “I was just asking.”

Marlene grinned and shrugged. “He went down to the pitch already. Said something about checking conditions.” She took a bite of toast and Lily congratulated herself on the distraction. “He seemed pretty rough, more so than usual.” Marlene took another bite and reached for the jam.

Lily wasn’t quite sure what to say to all this. She had hoped to say something encouraging to James before the match. She sighed and reached for some toast herself.

“Go on,” said Marlene unexpectedly, causing Lily to glance up.

“Hmm?” She had a mouthful of toast and couldn’t respond properly.

“I know you want to go check on him. It’s probably good if someone does.”

“What about the Marauders?” Lily asked halfheartedly.

“They went down even earlier than James, said something about getting ready,” Marlene responded. “They looked a bit shifty too.”

Lily rolled her eyes and filed this information away for later. “You think I should?” Marlene grinned and nodded. “Right, right,” Lily said quickly, grabbing a stack of toasts. “Got to do my part for Gryffindor. She tried not to seem too much like she was hurrying out of the hall. She thought she heard Marlene stifle a giggle as she left.

The cold hit Lily unexpectedly as she stepped out the front door onto the great lawn. An icy mist was clinging just at the surface of the grass as the sun hit the accumulated freeze on the thin blades. Lily was used to the cold weather at the school but, as it did every year, its first appearance took her by surprise. She immediately wished she had brought her gloves.

Chastising herself to focus, Lily scanned the grounds for a sign of James. He would probably head straight to the pitch, but you never knew. Seeing nothing, she hurried in the direction of the large bleachers rising out of the clinging mist. The entrance to the changing rooms was on the far side facing the forest, so Lily began making her way around the great grey bulk of the stadium.

As Lily circumnavigated the great bulk, she began to hear raised voices. They echoed oddly off the curve of the building and sounded muffled and diffused in the air dense with mist, so Lily was not fully prepared when she passed a little further around the stadium and was suddenly upon the speakers.

One of the speakers was James, he was near the entrance to the locker room with his back to Lily. He looked tense and stiff and unnaturally still. The other person was Severus Snape. Both of the boys looked like they were hovering on top of the thin layer of mist and the oddness of the sight stopped Lily dead in her tracks for a moment. Unfortunately, Snape was facing her, and as soon as she appeared around the corner, his eyes snapped to hers.

“Lily!” he breathed out. There was a closed off expression on his face and Lily wasn’t sure if the exclamation was one of happiness or distress. James turned where he was standing. He looked both relieved and nervous to see her there. Lily only registered James’ reaction for a moment before she realized, looking past James as he turned, that Snape had his wand naked in his hand. Lily felt herself tense but she stayed calm.

“What’s going on?” she asked, only a slight waver in her voice.

The two boys stood frozen for a moment and then Snape spoke smoothly, “Potter was harassing me, Lily.”

Lily considered this for a moment. She pictured Snape helpless on the ground. Potter’s laughter as Snape choked on a slurry of bubbles. “Why’s your wand out?”

“Self-defense. Come on Lily, you’ve got to believe me. You know how he can be.” James was shaking his head at her.

“I didn’t, Lily, really,” he intoned. Lily stood frozen for a moment. Snape looked pleadingly at her and everything flooded back in; all the years together as best friends. But those memories were tainted. They couldn’t be trusted. Snape couldn’t be trusted. And James was a lot of things, but he was not a liar.

Even on that day by the lake, James was honest. ‘Well, it’s more the fact that he exists.’ Lily’s stomach turned at the thought of those words, at the memory of that day, but she also knew them to be true. She knew it was true because James had told her so. James and Severus had had similar shortcomings at fifteen. Both cruel, both arrogant, both a little high on their own power. James had changed somewhat, and Lily didn’t know if Snape had or not, but there was that one key difference. James was honest and trustworthy and Snape was a consummate masterful liar, able to manipulate the people around him with skill and aplomb.

“Come on, Lily,” said Snape, smiling slightly. His cheeks were slightly flushed and behind his eyes there was a shimmer of excitement. 

“James, what actually happened?” Lily watched as the blood drained from Snape’s face at her words. 

Lily was sure that James almost grinned with the relief flooding his voice. “I came down early to check out the conditions but Snape must have followed me down. He caught me in the locker room and backed me out the door. Said he was going to curse me.”

“Liar,” Snape spat.

“He’s not though, Snape.” Snape glanced up at Lily, shocked. “He’d tell me the truth.”

“And what about me?” Snape suddenly looked unspeakably sad, but all Lily thought was _this trick again_. “We’ve known each other for years.”

Lily sighed. She suddenly felt tired. “Yes, and I know more about you than I want to. Look, Snape, just put your wand away and go back up to the castle. Come back down with your friends when it’s time for the match.”

James, who had remained quiet and watched the interaction carefully up to that point, smiled slightly at Lily. “Thanks, Lil.”

She felt herself start to smile too and opened her mouth to say something in return, but Snape was moving fast behind James, his arm racing out like a striking snake. She was aware of shouting James’ name and reaching forward, but suddenly James wasn’t in front of her anymore and she felt Snape’s spell, hot and with an ozone smell like lightning, move past her cheek. James awkwardly crouched beside her, yanking his wand from his robes. Lily was suddenly glad that Quidditch required such good reflexes.

The two of them froze for a moment, James in a crouch with his wand leveled at Snape, Snape in turn standing ready, his own wand on James. Slowly, Snape’s eyes rotated to Lily. “See?” he hissed. “He’s the same as ever! Always ready to duel.”

“Yeah, because you tried to curse him, you jackass!” Lily shouted. She suddenly felt oddly embarrassed. “Have you gotten more transparent, Sev, or have I just gotten a lot cleverer?”

Next to her, James huffed out a very slight laugh. “If I say he was always this transparent, will I get in trouble?” he asked, a teasing edge to his voice.

“Yes,” replied Lily, caught between embarrassment, exasperation and amusement.

“Okay, then I definitely won’t say that,” James shot back and Lily barely managed to stop herself from laughing out loud. She glanced back at Snape. He had gone red right to the tips of his ears.

“What are you doing?” he demanded. “What is going on with you two?”

“We’re friends,” Lily allowed coolly. At her side, James straightened out of his crouch, taking advantage of Snape’s consternation.

“After everything?”

“Yes! Because in his case, ‘everything’ included a halfway-decent apology and a being less of an ass,” Lily snapped. Her pulse was pounding in her ears but suddenly she felt annoyed at herself. She was done expending emotion on Snape, had been for a while.

Lily reached into her robe pocket and calmly fished out her wand. Immediately, Snape’s eyes snapped to it, and she leveled the tip at him, taking a deep breath. “Leave, Snape, now. Or I’ll hex you and then write you a detention.”

Snape looked at her with a hurt pleading stare. His eyes flicked between her and James. “Come on, Lil.”

“No.” Lily raised her wand. “It’s two on one Snape. Leave now. Last warning.” She felt James tense beside her.

Snape’s face ran through a quick series of emotions; shock, hurt, fear, anger. It finally settled on an ugly hateful expression as he rounded on James. “You did this! You.” He turned to Lily, with a look of poisonous pity. “I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you understood.”

“I thought so too,” Lily replied. “Go.” Snape hesitated for a moment and then turned and stalked away. James and Lily kept their wands raised until he disappeared around the curve of the great stadium and then they both let out a slow breath. There was a pause.

“You’re not…” James began, “I mean, you don’t object that I was ready to fight?”

Lily glanced at James, a little shocked. “After Mary?” she asked, incredulous.

“No, you’re right. Stupid question. It’s not like I picked a fight or anything.”

“I was most mad at you when you were an arrogant ass, anyway,” Lily muttered.

James nodded, looking contrite. “I really was awful sometimes.”

Lily nodded back. There were better and worse reasons for hexing someone. “Keep yourself safe, okay?” James nodded. He was staring at her oddly. There was an intense expression on his face. After a moment, Lily had to look away. “So, how are the conditions?”

“The what?” James glanced around and seemed surprised to find himself standing next to the Quidditch pitch. “Oh right, the match.”

“Yeah you came down here to check them because you were so nervous, right?”

“Yeah, I was,” James allowed slowly. “Somehow it doesn’t seem so important now. People keep telling me to win, you know? Like you said, ‘solve it on the pitch’, but I don’t think this can be solved any way other than with wands drawn anymore.”

He glanced at her, and Lily found herself nodding. “You might be right. I hope not, but…”

“Everyone’s going to be so excited and I can’t even see the point of the game now.”

“I think that is the point,” Lily replied thoughtfully. “People will be excited, and it won’t solve anything, but it’ll make all those people who came up to you feel better.” Lily reached out and gave James a light push on the shoulder. “We might even get Mary to enjoy herself a bit.”

James nodded, a warm, genuine smile spreading over his face. “Yeah.” He glanced at Lily, “I guess I am providing a valuable service. Bit of a hero, really.” He winked at her.

“Oh sod off, Potter,” she muttered. “Go get changed and check out the conditions or whatever. And don’t forget to keep your wand close. I won’t always be around to save your ass.”

“You sure you don’t want to come keep an eye on me while I get changed?” James replied with a lascivious grin that could match Sirius, “You know, for my own safety.”

Inexplicably, Lily felt her ears heat up. “You better win, I’m counting on having a party tonight,” she snapped back.

“For you, anything!” James called as he disappeared into the changing room. Lily watched after him for a long moment after he had gone.

Gryffindor did win, by an almost embarrassingly high margin of nearly 400 points, and the fans jubilation was only heightened by the launching of several dozen spectacular fireworks which no one could ever satisfactorily prove belonged to the Marauders. As James had said, it didn’t actually change anything concrete, but as Lily had said, it did seem to make people feel a lot better. The attitude in the common room improved drastically and even Mary joined in the laughter that night when a footstool was charmed to follow Sirius around, barking and humping his leg. James was blamed, of course, but Lily had seen Remus doing some surreptitious spellwork shortly before the pursuit started.

As the night drew to a close, Lily found herself sitting in a corner, watching James and Marlene try to simultaneously play Gobstones and wizard chess on the same board, to the consternation of the pieces. Dorcas, who strictly speaking was not supposed to be in the tower, had materialized at some point and was now curled cat-like against Marlene’s feet.

Lily felt an odd simultaneous disconnect and oneness with the moment. She knew she was sitting on the edge of a war that she was coming to accept would consume her life for the foreseeable future, and in comparison this little moment felt oddly insignificant. But at the same time…her whole life was made of such moments. As a dozing Mary shifted in the arm chair beside her, and Peter sleepily hummed snatches of a Maurader-written ditty about lions eating snakes, and Sirius allowed the stool, whose enchantment had mostly worn off by this point, to curl up in his lap, Lily figured that that might just be all right with her. With these people on her side, she could make it through anything.

A Gobstone bounced off of a knight and rotated unexpectedly, spraying James in the face with black goo. Lily let out a snort of laughter and James glanced up at her, bedraggled and grinning. Lily realized that she found that smile more comforting because she also knew how his hand looked, knuckles lightened to a pale yellow brown, clenched around the handle of a wand.

Maybe with enough moments like this, the rest can be survivable, Lily thought. More than that maybe, it can be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you liked it! The whole thing is finished but still needs to be proofread. I will be posting chapters once or twice a week as my friend has time to fix my many many spelling mistakes.


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